Yoga on the Inside

Lost

2012-01-10T20:57:00.000-08:00

The teaching that has blossomed for me at the Juvenile Detention Center began 4 years ago, and there has been many kids, many circumstances, many joys, many trials, and many classes. There have been stories, promises of never to come back, promises of a changed life-- all of these promises are made with the purest of hearts who have no support, no direction on the outside, so the constant in their lives is jail- 4 blank walls, a stainless steel toilet, and a stainless steel shelf that makes as a bed with a mattress no bigger than a yoga mat; yet more stable than going home. One student, 4 years ago, a young slight boy walked into my class, scared to death of everything and everyone, he could barely fit into the prison outfit he was so thin-- Sunday would be the last time I see this boy, as he became a "man" at midnight and transferred to County jail, where he will await his transfer to the maximum security prison in Boise. In Juvenile Detention the kids can only stay 364 days, then a "plan" for release needs to be in place, the system does not want kids to remain in institution for too long, become to accustomed to the regimine. These kids, boys and girls come in and out with a regular beat, I've known this boy for a long time, he never spoke until Sunday.He rolled mats at the end of class, he said, "I'm leaving tonight, thank you for being my teacher." and walked off. One of the guards said to me as I was leaving, casually do you know why he's here, why he's been here in and out so many times? I didn't know, I don't ask questions of the kids, I don't want to sensationalize their stories for the other kids, the younger kids who are there becuase they stole cigarettes or a candy bar. The guard went on to tell me that at 12 years old, that skinny pimply faced kid was shot up by his babysitter of 16 with heroine, and she raped him, and became impregnated by him-- He became a Dad at 12, and a heroine addict that day. The baby entered the foster system addicted to heroine at one hour old, cared for by strangers, he is now 6 and has never met his Dad. This boy fell "in love" with his babysitter and they coninued their relationship of stealing to support their habit and his running away to try and support her. Two years later they had another child together, the mother now 18 somehow kept her heroine addicted baby, and one day while the mother and this boy were out getting drugs, left the baby home alone ---all day--- and the frail infant died, the mother high on heroine slashed her wrists and died, and this boy was arrested repeatedly and brought to juvenile detention to serve a "sentence", and he sat in yoga, quiet, not speaking ever. Upon a release last year, he was placed in foster care, he fought with one of his foster brothers and killed him-- this quiet boy who has fathered two children before the age of 18, was not a deemed a murderer, he tired self defense, which is what it was, the foster brother was a sex offender and was forcing this boy to have oral sex with him, so this boy armed with a public defender, foster parents who really had no interest in him, and not a sole to stand up for him pled guilty to manslaughter and received 8 years upon his 18th birthday in maximum security prision. Upon completion of this story, I felt punched in the stomach, literally sick for this kid, who will not make it in prison, he is maybe 110 pounds, he was lost in the system his life lost in the system. This sweet soul never looked so small to me as he did walking back into the cell block, he is trying to get tougher before going to Boise, he had been in 3 fights that week; he recieved more time for these fights-- But really how much can one soul take, at what point does a person snap, this kid, broken and lost has no one to help him-- no one to write to on the outside, no one to visit him, he is forever lost in the system. It was a very sad day, and I was up until midnight, chanting sending him positive energy, holding him in my heart because his soul was lost at 12 years old---

Boundary of Love

2011-10-06T16:28:00.000-07:00

It's almost mid terms at NIC, I had to have the talk with the students about absences and how I grade them. I have the reputation of being the strictest yoga teacher for absences, I am. Not because I'm a crazed don't care teacher, but because I'm a crazed love my students kind of teacher. The first day a tone is set for the class, a container is formed for learning, a container that hopefully sets up a clear boundary for freedom of expression, freedom to make mistakes, freedom to know that we are all in this together and we will persevere in the midst of the normal things that come up when you begin a yoga class.The boundaries set at the beginning of class are for protection not punishment, a boundary of love. I remember my first yoga class, it was terrifying to walk into-- TERRIFYING, I sat next to the bitch who could do every pose, and then add her own flair, I felt about 2 inches tall, and about 1000 pounds. Her pony tail perfect, her outfit perfect, her body perfect, and her yoga PERFECT-- I hated her... but I came back, because the minute we began to chant I felt a connection to something I could not explain, I knew that on my mat, in the midst of self hatred, the midst of not feeling good enough, I did feel good, and I knew I did not want that to end, skiny perfect yoga bitch or not. My teacher created a boundary for me, and I knew that if I ever became a teacher I would want students to feel safe, protected and worthy of each movement.The reality is, most of the kids take yoga because they think it will be easy, they are not really searching for meaning, or the big picture, they aren't the least bit ready for a heart opening, but maybe that is exactly why the process of yoga at NIC works, because they are not expecting the beauty of what is happneing and they, surrounded by the boundary of love , feel safe enough to open to it. We are studying the Bhagavad Gita this semester-- a very blessed book, with blessed ideas of understanding self worth, love, selfless service, wisdom, and action-- but most of all the idea of STANDING UP, in the Gita, there is no choice of whether you step into your life, the choice comes as to what kind of life you want-- you're already in it-- Stand Up and Live Your Life. It seems to be working, the kids listen intently and they are starting to see the parallels between them and Arjuna. Without the boundary of love, I don't know if we could dive this deep into this text, get deep enough into the safety of their hearts-- so yes, I am the strict teacher about showing up, but again just like the Gita, Stand Up and Life Your Life--

My Grandmother

2011-09-17T16:54:00.000-07:00

On my Grandmother's 91st birthday, I wanted to write her a letter, thanking her for all she has done for me, all she has meant to me -- but as I sit here, words seem so insignificant. When I was 8 years old, my parents divorced and my mother left my brother and I in the care of my father, who with two children 8 and 6 was less than equipped to handle it. I spent many weekends at my grandparents house-- many days after school many blissful moments with the one woman who would shape my life and plant seeds of worthiness that would not have enough room to sprout until now. As most children of divorced parents I held myself, the oldest completely responsible-- as a daughter of a mother who pursued her life over the lives of her children I held bitterness against her for many many years-- I wondered around rootless disconnected from everything I knew most of the time. The only memory of connectedness came from my grandparents and their undying love for me and my brother. I had great weekends at their house, weekends where every Saturday the entire family except my mother would get together, have dinner and then we would all go to 7:00pm Catholic Mass, I was shown the true aspect of devotion in these church outings. I spent the night on the floor in the living room in sleeping bags with my cousins watching Dallas, mesmerized by the beauty of the women on screen and then schooled in the ways of the world by pretending to sleep but really watching 20/20 with my grandparents. Sundays were hard because I knew I had to return to a place where I felt abandoned, deeply at the root of myself alone-- surely something was wrong with me and I'd go to school and look forward to Friday to start my weekend with my Teachers, my grandparents. My Grandmother for the 41 years I've been around is a woman of strength, perseverence and fierce love of her family-- these are the qualities that I hold sacred to me, these have been my gifts from her. When I became pregnant at 18, she never judged me, she prayed for me to be strong, she prayed for me to endure, and she prayed for me to be loved-- all things she radiated daily. My Grandmother loves to take care of her family, she and my grandfather would become my teachers in hospitality-- teachers in the concept that if you have enough, you have enough to share-- there was always people over to talk, to eat, to share in this oasis of worhtiness. At 12 my mother brought me to Idaho to live with her and my stepfather, I was desperate for her approval, but empty at the loss of my secret solice. My grandparents made the trip to Idaho twice per year for many years, well into their 70's to visit. When my Grandparents would get here, my heart felt safe, I knew I wasn't alone- I felt connected. On my return back to her home to say a final goodbye to my beloved Grandfather, she held me in the same church that I made my first communion in, and I told her how she saved me-- i don't think she really understood what that meant, but her love surrounds me everyday and I am reminded that every action I take needs to involve strength, perseverence and fierce love and that being welcoming is a virtue that many don't share-- she helps me understand that in order to feel connected, you need to be connected to something bigger to a love where you are loved-- As I look back, she was my first spiritual teacher, the holder of my light-- she kept my light bright in times where many kids feel dark, dim and worthless. I know that God gave her to me to show me what my parents were not capable of, I know that she and I are connected always, and when I have the opportunity to plant seeds in someone I hope I take the time to understand that each day, every person we meet, may need their light held as well.

Not special, yet essencial

2011-09-12T16:55:00.000-07:00

It is interesting to sit down with my blog, which started to focus my attention on my Seva of teaching at the Kootenai County Jail, as I read through the blogs there is definatly love and challenge that pours through. And then abruptly I stopped, not because there was less love, but because I felt for a while that the kids and the place where I teach every Saturday is really just another yoga class, full of dedicated students, just like there is in every studio around the world, a gathering of hearts in celebration of the One Great Heart and it seemed to me, that writing of this work was maybe not such a big deal. And the words faded........ and today as I continue to teach at the jail, I am more in love with the kids than ever, but to speak of their trials and tribulations seems really I don't know....boring, everyone has trials and tribulations to overcome when they step on their mat, they may not be in jail, but there is obstacles, not enough time for a "full practice", too much time, I can do it "later", I'm too tired, I'm not centered enough--- we all have an obstacle, and yet we all come to the mat, and remember the One Great Heart-- we all must Stand Up with a Brave Heart to remember that we are the connection to each other-- so maybe the kids who are connected to each of us in this way, are not so special., yet we are all essencial, the kids and each of us who step on our mat, and celebrate our heart. This journey gets sweeter every day that I teach, not because of where I teach, but because through connection we bring breath into our heart. A qoute:Yes, we are looking for someone to hear us, but we want a place to belong too…a place where we can shine inconspicuously with the other lights on the tree while we trudge through what comes at us.--Elephant Journal

My Teacher!

2011-04-06T15:43:00.000-07:00

My beloved teacher came home from a 2 week retreat, she glowed today, litereally sparkled with joy-- she is radiant. It was a blessing to see her, it was as if she filled me with that same joy that she radiated with just by her warm welcoming hug, I missed her but even as she was gone I felt connected to her very goodness. I am honored to teach at a fantastic studio named Garden Street Yoga, blessed to be with my teacher almost everyday, and blessed to teach with the most talented teachers in the area-- well hell if not the whole damn world. Everyday as a teacher we honor the seat of the student, we honor that which brings you off the couch and into a space where we ask you, what is most beautiful to to you today? I need to back up, set the stage so to speak, our studio is beautiful, it breathes beauty and radiance that is rooted in our teacher and therefore rooted in us. Garden Street is a traditional yoga studio, there is no hot yoga, no core yoga, no acro-yoga, no nude yoga, just tradional Anusara yoga. As teachers we chant, we help to illuminate with philosophy and we teach, but mostly we are students- deeply rooted in the underpinning of Anusara and Tantric philosophy -- therefore before you step on your mat, we know that you are worthy of every breath you take. We as teachers are just here to help you navigate the path, to be your tour guide to remind you that when life gets messy, and it will, that you can hold strong to your illuminous center and remember your innate goodness.

This deep rootedness comes directly from our Teacher Karen, she as well is the ultimate student, she is so open, so welcoming and so loving to each student and to each teacher who is given the opportunity to teach, she genuinly wants to see us succeed-- she is my mentor. Her deep roots in the tradition of yoga has helped me deepen my roots and find my footing and also remember that I am worthy.

People come to yoga for a million reasons some of which are to find sanctuary, to open their heart, to illuminate from the inside out, to move to remember that even at 81 they are not old, and to hold strongly to their innate goodness-- walking into our studio is like a breath of fresh air to most people, when you walk in you are surrounded by love and light-- and you remember that you can stand tall in who you are because we honor you for your gift of presence.

Our roots are deep, therefore our flowers are beautiful!

Spring

2011-03-12T21:36:00.000-08:00

There is a goodness, a Wisdom that arises. sometimes gracefully, sometimes gently, sometimes awkwardly. sometimes fiercely, but it will arise to save you if you let it-- and IT rises from withing you, like the force that drives green shoots to break the winter ground, it will arise and drive you into a great blossoming like a pear tree, into flowering, into gragrance, fruit and song, into the wild wind dancing, sun shimmering, into the aliveness of it all, into that part of yourself that can never be defiled, defeated or destroyed, but comes back to life, time and time again, that lives- always- and does not die-- You rise from yourself into the Divine. --The Bond Between Women China Galland

Spring ahead night always takes me back to this paragraph of this amazing book. Like green shoots that break the winter ground-- is there nothing more beautiful than that image-- Energy-- Shakti rising up, from the ground and saying "hello" nice to meet you, I've felt your warm presence all along and today I get to meet you. Yoga has been just like that in my life- a warm glow and if I tap into myself, find that part of me that has never been defiled I find peace, like the green shoots I rise with Shakti and greet myself.

In Anusara Yoga we have energetic loops, there is ankle, shin, thigh, pelvic, kidney, shoulder and skull these are secondary principles that guide the body like the green shoots into blossoming into beauty into their connection to the Divine. I have studied Anusara for 5 years, and this year I have devoted myself to understanding the physicality and the beauty of these energetic loops and their ability to blossom even the basic pose of Tadasana.

Yoga is beautiful, and the loops guide your body into an awareness of itself that is so amazing. In it's raw form the loops guide your body into your core- your nerve center, your worthiness. It's as if your core, has been ready to receive these gifts, patient, waiting, and so beautiful like the fertile earth at springtime. I am fascinated by this, all parts come together to join as a whole, to celebrate and to remember that life at it's purest form is to join- to yoke- to yoga.

My Beloved Teacher Karen talked this week of how Saraswati is the teacher, the educator, the one who sets things in order, and so I know that she is at work in the loops. Saraswati always her masterful self, knows exactly how ankle loop sets the foundation of your leg, how shin and thigh loop are the reinforcement, and how pelvic and kidney set the pilar of stregth for your heart to be revealed by shoulder loop and how skull loop ties everything together like the blossom of a flower--

In nature we are all connected, in nature we all begin as a seed and we all want to break fertile ground to blossom into who we are-- it's masterful!

Our core, like the earth is always ready to receive, our core never lets us down it waits until we are ready to come together and when we do, magic happens and we blossom and we radiate beauty and we live fully.

Arrows

2011-03-06T20:12:00.000-08:00

There is a story of how Arjuna became a great warrior, how Krishna lined up the great warriors and said calmly, plainly and without great enthusiasm, "draw your bows and hit the target". There was no mention of the target, just the directive to find it. Many of the warriors drew their bows and shot every arrow they had, every arrow they could find and shot everything in sight, everything that moved, searching aimlessly for the target to impress the mighty Krishna, and yet, Krishna never acknowledged what they hit, never once gave a satisfactory, "Yes" as the arrows filled the sky like a swarm of crickets. and the arrows stopped and the warriors weary from the action stood there, dispondant. And there was Arjuna, holding his only arrow still transfixed forward-- and finally after great patience, he drew back his bow and it hit-- he turned to Krishna and plainly said, "Krishna, the target was not the tree, the branch, the leave, the rabbit, the fox, etc. Krishna the target was the bird's glisening eye who sat in the nest deep in the forest which sat on a branch surrounded by leaves." "Ahhhh yes," said Krishna "You Arjuna are the greatest warrior." This is one of the greatest stories about focus about knowing that you can stay on point even when the rest of your inner circle are searching aimlessly, we like the warriors take our arrows out everyday and without focus on the target, any target we shoot our arrows and hope-- hope they will land on the target any target.

Everyday that I enter the JDC, I see the kids stand on the edge of the forest and shoot their arrows, metaphorically, at any place that they will stick and there is so much hope that they stick to the right spot to their target. I see lost kids hoping someone will give them direction, they want to hit their taget in life, they live for it--

I told this story a week ago, I shared the frustration of the warriors and the calmness of Arjuna- I thought they would have focused on the warriors instead they focused on Arjuna and his steady skillfull holding of the point. It was really incredible to share with them this small aspect of vulnerability-- even though they didn't feel that way.

There is a moment in everyone where we long to be focused on the point-- the target, but what happens is life gets in the way and we shoot our arrows at what other people's expectations are --we lose the point, the target- these kids are very focused on making people happy-- it sounds wierd I know but they really are-- they are in search of themselves like Arjuna. And they are faced everyday with a battle, just like Arjuna, and they are faced with having to side with or side without people that they love-- everyday they fight the battle of who they are and in jail, they are safe, there is no battle. They are joined in community with others who are lost and searching for the point. I had been sick these last two Saturdays and the kids have been asking about Yoga-- Yoga has become their point, their target-- I am still after 3 years amazed that Yoga has taken hold--become an arrow in thier aresenal to the point of themselves.

Magicians

2011-02-24T17:24:00.000-08:00

As a kid I was fascinated by David Copperfield I would be mesmerized by his prime time specials making all kinds of things disappear and reappear and his illusions. I always wanted to see the man behind the curtain-- even today I can't handle not knowing how something works, as if I'm the only one who isn't in on "it". I am reading a book titled the Alchemy of Transformation by Lee Lozowick and in the beginning he speaks of the mystery of a Master Magician-- that there are two types of people who seek the knowledge from a Master Magician type 1 is a person who really doesn't care but has a habit of asking for the answers, he will ask for the answers to questions but never seriously pursue or share the answers from the Master, then there is type 2 who is absolutely interested, absolutely responsible, they type 2 person will do whatever it takes to gain the knowledge of the Magician even before the secrets to the tricks are revealed. The people in between says Lee, "dangerous material" to deal with. The third type is the person who seeks knowledge for their own personal enrichment and will sell the secrets to make themselves look better or to feel important, they will never value the information in fact they could even go so far as to devalue the Magician because type 3 knows "better". If I was to be brutally honest, I have been all three types of the people who seek knowledge, in my 20's I definatly wanted to "know" things to seem more important, be closer to the Master, on the inner circle-- and for years I was on the inner circle amongst very great people- I just wasn't smart enough or open enough to know it, I fought for every piece of information, even ones that were readily available to anyone who wanted to know it-- see information or secrets of a Master are not really secrets but keys to open the doors of yourself-- that is the secret. Now that I'm older I see where my ferver to be "the one" closest set me on a path that was the 'hard' road, I didn't take teachings from the Masters of my life-- I took opportunities to serve and turned them into opportunities to look better, and there were times I even tried to look better than many of my Master Magicians, trying to prove them wrong, I mean I was 20 how could anyone know more than me. Also and because of this one fact, many things came easy to me, therefore I did not have to work at understanding them so because of my EGO which has in the past been very large, I ran with information that should have been kept contained, I shared secrets of people who trusted me and I used what i could to further myself and then disrespect the Magician.

I am brought to this realization because I am struggling with the kids at JDC, they are very much type 3 with everything, but as I meditated on this I realize they are scared, and trying to know everything, even a little bit of everything makes you feel strong, like you have a little more than everyone else-- I get them. To hope that one day they will realize that their Master Magicians have opened the doors for them, the cool thing is one the doors of knowledge are opened only you alone can close them.

Next time you run into the type 3 person, the one who needs to know everything, step back and remember they only want to peek behind the curtain-- which is a huge responsibility and when they are ready all will be revealed to them,

Courage

2011-01-21T22:14:00.000-08:00

We do not believe in ourselves
Until someone reveals that deep
inside us
something is valuable
worth listening to
worthy of our trust,
sacred to our touch
Once we believe in
ourselves we can risk curiousity,
wonder, spontaneous delight
.....anything that reveals the
human spirit.

EE Cummings

I listened recently to a talk on TED, about Courage, instantly I thought about the kids in JDC. At one point in the talk, this amazing woman spoke of vulnerability- stating that what makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful-- and also that in vulnerability lies the birthplace of joy, creativiy and love--- and yet, vulnerability many times also is the birthplace of shame and fear.

I remember being 5, one of my first days at school, I remember wearing a yellow dress and really uncomfortable shoes-- my hair a mop of curly frizz, I was so excited to go to school, to meet other kids, to see people my own size-- I was at that time an only child, and the first in the long line of grandchildren-- at five I was a princess and my beautiful yellow gown proved it. I sat at my desk, proud, knowing I would meet so many friends, because that is what I was told by the grown-ups in my life-- but only if I didn't appear too eager, too shiney, to loud or to.... well what I heard was me. I didn't care, I knew that I would make friends, I sat in my seat, and didn't notice that I had peed my self, except for the kid next to me who showed me the nile river flowing from underneath my fancy yellow dress. I remember that moment, I felt so small, so vulnerable, so not a princess. The teacher at the time came and scooped me up and fixed it all, I went to the restroom, I got dried off and I returned to my seat with all the kids laughing and making fun, I returned to me seat and in the vulnerability of myself, stood up and said "my name is Jenifer and I'm a princess it's very nice to meet you all and to have you all come over and spend time with me." Yup I have never been shy and that moment at 5 has defined me, I DO NOT at all like to be made fun of, I don't like to be different, and I don't like to at any moment feel less than. However in the vulnerability of my heart there have been many times where I have felt less than, not worthy and have had to summon the courage to walk around and through the many moments of life.

When I teach the kids at JDC, I see them, everyone vulnerable and hiding behind this "not toughness", the "not toughness" is their courage, it's what keeps them moving through life-- vulnerability can be paralizing, and when you sit in JDC, defined by the color of your shirt, scared and vulnerable.

I guess that is what connects us, I became larger than life, or so I thought to mask my vulnerablity, they become "tough" we are all connected by whatever brings us courage and that's what makes life beautiful-- our vulnerability makes us beautiful.

Keep Talking or Shut the FUCK UP

2010-12-07T07:17:00.000-08:00

I'm lost
I'm scared

Sit down on your mats

What the fuck?

Close your eyes

In here, close my eyes in here?

Settle into your breath

Settle, what are you saying?

Innate goodness

Shut the fuck up, I'm not good,
I'm lost,
I hate everything
I'm scared
Where am I?
HOw did I get here?

Notice your breath,
inhale
exhale

I'm not breathing
I can't breathe
My heart is pounding
I'm SCARED
CAN'T YOU SEE ME

Release your sit bones

She is wacked, sit bones?
I'm dying
Can't you see me
I'm scared to death
I just want to go anywhere but here

Release your shoulders

SHUT UP, SHUT THE FUCK UP
I'm screaming
Can't you hear me
SHUT UP, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN
I'm not good, I'm nothing

Return to your breath

This is a joke
Why is everyone sitting here
I could kill them all
They are all looking at me

Inhale, Exhale

Inhale, Exhale, Inhale, Exhale, Inhale, Exhale

For a minute let it all go

Inhale, Exhale, Inahle, Exhale, Inhale, Exhale
Don't leave, stay with me
teach me how to breathe again
I feel still, quiet, no one is
looking at me
Keep talking, don't leave

Your body settles and you find inside the place of peace

Inhale, Exhale, Inhale, Exhale
Breath, I remember
quiet I don't know,
Just keep talking

Breathe into your heart

Inahle, Exhale, Inhale, Exhale
Screaming has stopped,
breath is here
Keep talking, don't stop talking,
I never want to stop breathing,
and I will if you stop talking............
Inhale, Exhale, Inhale, Exhale, Inhale, Exhale, Inhale, Exhale

From a male inmate 12-3-2010

Gratitude

2010-10-23T20:51:00.000-07:00

It's been a while for a blog, it's been an interesting time with the kids. I find myself, with a big knot on my head from hitting it into the brickwall that is the current population at JDC. These last two months have been hard, walking through fire is an understatement. I am grateful and ever blessed to have my teacher Karen to help me navigate these waters.

After long contemplation and meditation, this process of fire, alchemic change has stuck with me. There has not been a large population of kids, there has not been a huge turnover, there has been a fire, an opportunity for a teaching.

Long ago I knew that teaching in JDC is where my heart was, kids who are broken need the message that they are good. I have carried that torch of greatness into the jail for almost 3 years. And today I sit in understaning that I may think the kids are great, I may feel they are perfect, but they do not-- and here in lies our alchemic change. It really was a matter of time, a quote that keeps coming to me is " The Divine breaks your heart until your heart breaks open." The kids of JDC, have had their heart broken, several times in their life, they are used to it-- and because they have had it broken they have a very thick and well adhered scar---when I would say they were good and wonderful and perfect, even in thier imperfection-- there's no way they could understand because they have no direct experience in those feelings-- not saying that they don't exist in them, just that at this moment their direct experience is different.

My heart had to make the change, I had to make the shift in my teaching, and then my heart broke. How could I have placed the responsibility of their greatness on them? How selfish and unfair of me to even suggest that I their "great and powerful" teacher could possibly think that my teaching, my "brillient, well thought out" teaching could ever possibly break the shell that houses them--their armour, their protection. That is not my job, my dharma is to teach and hold them in light and even if they cannot see it, I still need to hold the fire.

I was who was lost, I am who is trying to force and there in lies the alchemic change, who am I to think that I could do this. Force without reciprocation is just that, force and these kids have felt forced their whole lives-- into every kind of situation that you can imagine--

I went back to the foundation, the way I taught in the beginning, when I was excited just to spend an hour with these great kids, and today we laughed, and joked, and moved in a different rhythm-- I didn't force, they didn't force-- we flowed in and out of poses, and in and out of each other.

I forgot, and I projected that onto them-- teaching yoga is about the transmission of unconditional love, love of my teacher, love of being a student, love of my patient and kind students, love of knowing that together we traverse the spectrum of Grace. We traverse, not drag kicking and screaming.

Today was a change, and today remembrance came into my heart-gratitude to the teachers who forged the path, gratitude to Karen who holds my light as I sit in the seat of the student.

More is Possible

2010-08-31T16:32:00.000-07:00

Only a great shock will penetrate the level of our being. Self Observation, Red Hawk

It's been a tough month at JDC and it has been a glorious month at JDC. The beauty of seeing the kids once a week for 2 1/2 years has been a joy and seeing the kids return has been the thorn. Each of the kids at JDC are really amazing, and vibrant, they live a life that they cannot see how amazing they are, they live under the blanket of regret, guilt, and calousness. It seems harsh but this summer in particular, there has been a strong "return to jail" crusade among the kids. Each week I say good-bye to one or two kids and they promise to never return, "You'll see me on the outs" they say; and two months later they return to JDC, a little more broken than before. It becomes easier to return to jail, what they know, for some to return "home".

Maybe their great shock is leaving, maybe that is what penetrates them and leaves them feeling alone and afraid, in turn subconciouslly returning to JDC where they know the routine, where they feel they have "family" in the guards. One of the guards explained to me that one of the long time kids, who had been in JDC about 8 months, calls every night at 10:00pm just to see who is working, and how they are doing-- the connection to the facility of JDC is stronger than the connection to staying on the outs--- that is fascinating.

Red Hawk describes "habits are a loop", when I read this to the boys class they resonated with it clearly. One boy said, "Jen, my thoughts are my habits, I cannot think of one good thing until you have us sit-- and in that moment, my thinking stops, and for the first time I breathe." WOW, that is true, I understand that of my JDC friend, we juggle all day thoughts, feelings, words, actions, committments, and on the mat, it's just us with our Sadhana-- moving our body, breathing, and yet the identification with the tape loop slows down. I also read, If you see it you don't have to be it- the boys looked at me like I have 5 heads-- they told me I was crazy and that I don't understand their life, and they are right I don't but I resonate with the idea that we all have a loop, and if we don't identify with it, it cannot take hold and in that moment we are in control of our thoughts, feelings and actions. And in that moment maybe there is the great shock-- we can stop the tape, we can control how we are everyday and we are in control of our reactions to things so that when we have a moment to receive a teaching we are ready. More is possible for the kids, and I'm honored to be along for their ride-- maybe my friend Eli can hold them dear as they move onto the "big" jail, as he has mentioned he'd like to teach there......

It is war all the time

2010-07-02T17:31:00.000-07:00

You are a soul in a mammal body. --Lee Lozowick

The central nervous system is the first reponder of all mammals, this is where your survival instict lives, this is the beginning of the fight or flight center. Your central nervous system is a hot and powerful center it decides right now if you are in the mode of fight or flight-- it is the action of survival at it's rawest form.

The kids in JDC lived with fight or flight their entire existance-- imagine your whole life, your whole life being fight or flight, your whole life an act of instinctual survival-- eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth. I find when I'm in fight or flight mode there is no exhale- only being on the outlook for predators. My breath is short, my body is tense, and I'm continually uncomfortable-- I want to fight through--- many kids in JDC opt for the other flight option-- they want to get away from everything, especially themselves. Many kids hide behind depression because depression makes it someone elses problem-- and you are a victim-- helpless.

There is a syndrome that many kids who come from neglectful homes have upon the first few weeks of birth called Failure to Thrive, this is flight to it's extreme, 2 week old babies will not eat, they will not make eye contact, in their own fragile way they are in flight-- they want to disappear because the idea of fighting to live is so grim, even to their 2 week old bodies-- this Failure to thrive is instinctual you will find it in animals as well, I wonder if it's a situation where even at 2 weeks old, they know that their situation their family or even their surroundings are not safe, I wonder if Failure to Thrive is protection.

A prevention to Failure to Thrive is brought about by kangaroo's, if you hold a premee baby or a Failure to Thrive baby skin to skin on your heart so that their heart beat begins to match yours the baby will begin to want to live-- the beauty of being held actually calms them by the beat of another person's heart-- this person does not have to be their parent-- in a way, don't we all just want to feel a connection to something bigger than ourselves, in that moment of the kangaroo hold, a baby immersed in flight comes home to their heart and they want to live. Maybe fight or flight is a opening to something bigger if we immerse ourselves in the idea that we are all the same, a heart beat wanting to belong.

That's how the light gets in.........

2010-06-18T13:02:00.000-07:00

Love is unity; the moment it is divided, it is no longer love. --Red Hawk

I generally have a "loose" plan for my classes in JDC, not having consitant students opens me to a freedom of class that does not happen in any other class i teach. This Monday was no different-- one of many new students filed in-- the regulars took their spots on the mats, the new kids walk around like deer full of muscle energy and ready to react at any moment. I calmly break the silence and fear with a cheerful-- "Welcome to class find any mat you'd like and sit down." They do just that, still on red alert.

One of the boys who filed in was told by one of the guards where to sit, they began by telling me he was slow and that they would need him to sit by them-- this is my favorite student, one who the staff feels they cannot control, but one who responds well to yoga-- many of the "most out of control" kids have the greatest response to the attention that yoga brings.

We begin by talking a few minutes about what they are thinking right now, and some kids say they are thinking they are excited, some are thinking of twhat they just ate for dinner, some are thinking that they just want out of there. My new friend, said he's thinking of me--- "Why are you so nice to me?" he asked, "why did you bring me this mat and what are we going to do?" He then proceeded to go immediately into a handstand like pose and the guards set him back on his mat-- I gave them the "please don't interrupt my kids look" and they moved away from him. I asked my new friend if he ever did yoga, and he said yes-- but he meant no, and I asked him if he could wait until we were ready to get started, he agreed and sat PERFECTLY still until after the centering. We began with breath, I could hear him breathing, shallow, short breaths, the breaths of anxiety, I went and stood behind him and put my hand on his back, he softened, not a lot but a litle and after a few moments we began our class.

My pseudo-plan for this class was to talk about how our beliefs are formed about anything, so after a few warmups we spoke about Vira II, and if the regular kids could talk about how it feels to do it, and one boy said I feel strong, I feel like a warrior and then I asked them how they felt the first time, and one boy said, stupid, like I looked crooked like yoga was for girls. After transitioning to the other side, I asked them again how they came to think that it was stupid, or that they looked crooked if they had never done it and that it was for girls-- and they couldn't answer, one boy said, "I guess maybe because I was told that this yoga was dumb by a nother kid and I just thought it was cause he said it and I just wanted to be with the big kids so I believed him."

My new friend, worked hard at the poses, he was a ball of energy for sure, but he worked hard, calling me over every pose to see if he was doing it right-- I put one of my most studious boys next to him and they worked togehter-- my new friend said," I don't think it's dumb I never thought about it before, I jsut thought we were coming out to play and I wanted to play so when they said Yoga, I didn't know what it mean, I just followed the other boys."

The boys worked hard, we worked with hip openers, they hate those, they are so tight-- but they worked and in meditation, as the other boys sat, breathing, I walked over to my new friend who was breathing again with great anxiety-- short top of the chest breaths, barely an inhale and barely an exhale-- but he sat trying.

At the end of class he walked around and collected all the eye pillows from the boys, and thanked them for coming ( so sweet ). The boys were going to make fun of him, but didn't when I commented on how much I appreciated his help.

As the boys left, my new friend shook my hand and said see you later, you can read me a story I like you-- it was heart renching to see him walk to his cell knowing that there is no story, just his room, the dark and the thoughts going through his head.

One of my fav guards came up and said, "He ran away that's why he's here, he ran away from his mom because they have been living in a dumpster-- we've had a lot of problems with him hording food, we don't know what to do with him-- He likes you, he has never even spoke to any of us.. that's the most we heard him talk, we thought he couldn't talk."

With my mouth hung open, I couldn't speak, each of us who come to our mat, have a story, as a teacher I cannot forget that, we come with a belief system and we come with expectations and we come cloaked and scared--

Keep your eye on the bandaged place
That is where the light gets in
--Hafiz

She's not trying....

2010-06-03T10:35:00.000-07:00

Knowledge is the depth of our being and we get to knowledge through observation-- clear, honest, unbiased observation. --Lee Lozowick

Coeur d'Alene is a small town, roughly 30,000 people-- on a few occasions I get the opportunity to interact with the kids parents from JDC, this week I met a Mom- who recently was released from jail serving 100 days. Her daughter was a runaway and the police came to the mother's residence asking for her daughter-- previous to this conversation the mother did not know her 15 year old daughter was missing. This young child lives with her father through a custody arrangment, her mom has been in and out of jail for years because of drinking and drugs-- of this childs life of 15 years her mom has been incarcerated a total length of time of 6 years. Knowing that I teach yoga at JDC she asked me to relay messages to her child-- one of the boundaries I do not cross at JDC-- the kids have to trust me and if they think I'm sharing their time and words with anyone the yoga will suffer.

As I entered the facility last night, and welcomed the girls onto their mats, the daughter of this Mom, said "Hey aren't you my mom's landlord?" Of which I did not respond-- Instead, I used the theme of the class as a slow sweet teaching of habit. I began the class by asking the girls if they know what habits are-- and one girl said smoking, one said drugs, one said sex (that for another post) and one girl who has been with me for a while said--"Jen I think a habit is defensiveness." So we expanded with defensiveness-- and I asked the girls when they feel they are using defensiveness as a habit-- one girl said, "I was called in to the principles office and I knew I was going to get my assed chewed, I hadn't done anything, but I still knew I was in trouble-- it turned out that I had left my lunch on the bus-- you know what was weird, I wasn't in trouble, but instead of taking my lunch, I immediately denied that it was mine-- that's weird right Jen, like I denied it was mine because I was afraid of getting in trouble."

These kids have been taught since they were little that no matter what they are in trouble-- their parents have patterned for them that they are in trouble-- no matter what-- which I think comes from the fight or flight center they are constantly in --survival mode, therefore they cannot understand a moment when they are not defensive. Imagine living your life in constant fear of everything. Another girl said, "When I was young, we lived in some apartments where the police came all the time-- whenever they would come, my mom would shut the curtains, and tell us to hide in the cupboard-- and stay quiet. Ever since then if a knock comes to my door and even here, I instantly want to hide--- that's what you mean right?"

We talked more about patterned and habits and how the girls feel about things, they really questioned why they feel certain ways. In the practice, we worked the idea of habits and tendencies in poses-- for example, in Tadasana it's easier to stand slumped over because that is a tendency than it is to stand straight which is your given architecture. And when the daughter of the mom wasn't trying, another girl turned to her and said, see that's a habit right- she's afraid to try. I thought this would turn into a bad situation, but the girl not trying stopped, and said "yeah I do that a lot-- why try, I'm going to end up the same way my mom has drunk and with someone who is not my kid"-- and then she stood there, you could actually see her thinking, and she said "but I have a choice, I could try and see what happnes." And she did- she really listened to the asana instructions and she tried every pose to it's fullest-- at the end of yoga after savasana she sat up and looked straight at me and said, thank you ---nothing more nothing less, she walked taller than she did when she came in. She observed her behavior with clear unhonest unbiased observation and she saw herself for the first time a confident, strong young woman.

Studentship

2010-05-22T14:21:00.000-07:00

The girls in JDC have been very attentive to the reading and talking about Self Observation-- to show me how much they are loving the foundational messages of Notice, Find Yourself, Don't try to change, just observe and relax-- they thought this Wednesday they would be the teacher and each of the girls found 5 quotes that summed up how they can observe without judgement of themselves and those around them. the girls told me that they have these quotes in their rooms, to remind them that they are worthy of greatness. I am humbled by them --- they are amazing bright beautiful spirits. Here is their compilation:

Everyone has in them something priceless that is in no one else.
-- Martin Buber

Be faithful to that which exists nowhere but in yourself
--Andre Gide

Compared to what we might be we aer only half awake
--Williams James

We grow a little every time we do not take advantage of somebody's weakness
--Bern Williams

You don't have to blow out the other persons light to let your own shine
--Bernard Baruch

If you don't like what you're getting back in life take a look at what you're putting out
--Pamela Dryer

The willingness to accept responsibility fo rones own life, is the source from which self respect springs
--Joan Didion

If the people around you don't believe in you, if they don't encourage you, then you need to find some better people who do
--John Maxwell

If you know what you want you'll recognize it when you see it
--Bill Cosby

No one can give you wisdom, we must discover it for ouselves on the journey through life which no one can take for us
--Sun Bear

you failed many times, although you may not remember you fell the first time you tried to walk, you almost drowned the first time you tried to swim....Did you hit a homerun the first time you swung a bat?
---United Technologies

Obstacles don't have to stop you if you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up, figure out how to climb it, go through it or work around it
--Michael Jordan

What you give, you get ten times over
--Yoruba Proberb

These beautiful girls spent their week, combing through books, magazines and the internet to find the perfect quotes to show me they understand the teachings--- that is studentship--- They plugged in, and without judgement saw what could bring out greatness in themselves--

Practice LIke A Warrior- What are you a Disciple To?

2010-05-04T15:37:00.000-07:00

People generally learn in 5 ways, observation, repetition, modeling, trial and error and play-- When you begin your journey to the center of yourself your beginning of self observation uses all 5 openings. The kids and I are on Chapter 8 of Self Observation-- Chapter 8 delves into the idea that your fight or flight reaction comes from your central nervous system and your reaction to the feeling of flight or fight comes from your habitual tendencies and those tendencies of those who raised you-- Most people live their lives in Survival Mode, the kids in JDC understand this deep within their cells-- the idea of turn the other cheek in the question of fight or flight is not an option they take, they will fight every time, they have been fighting their whole lives. They are in a constant understanding of fight away pain.

A poem was shared in yoga tonight, in response to our reading of Self Observation by Red Hawk

We walk in
Warriors of Life
We are cloaked by sheilds
We are cloaked to hide
We are cloaked to forget
We are cloaked in the decisions of our fathers
We are cloaked in the pain of our fathers
We are full of shame
We want to see
But a Warrior holds his true identity secret
No one can see if we are hurting,
No one can feel our inner scars
We hide, we are always observing the outside
We never feel
In our silence we scream for a response
In our silence we feel trained for battle
In our heart we are like a rabbit
Afraid to move, and afraid to not move
Cloaked we walk in
Ready for battle
Ready for yoga

One breath and we shed
One breath and we begin to feel our heart beat
One breath and we live unmasked as kids
Forgotten kids
Who have to come to practice
Like a Warrior

Self Rememberance

2010-04-15T11:39:00.000-07:00

Self Observation Chapter 3

Your work is to discover your work
and then with all our heart
To give yourself to it.
--Buddha

The first sentence of this chapter was a very powerful one this week to share with the kids-- "The practice of self observation includes the practice of finding yourself, locating yourself in time and space, in the body but not as the body, and then managing the body: this is known as self remembering."

I mean, hello it is a juicy nugget for sure-- and the kids were like, " I know myself, I'm right here- I know myself I'm a badass, I know myself.... etc you get the picture. As we unfolded the sentence and worked it through the boys did something they have never really done before they became really quiet--- I really wanted to inject wisdom into this quietness, but I held back because I realized they were doing just what we read about locating themselves in time and space and managing their body.

Many people don't realize, but the kids in JDC are extremely smart and their persona of anger and rudeness is really just a mask of protection.

As the boys opened they turned to what they know best, their like/dislike mechanism-- facinating because this amazing book talks about this alot. It is called the illusion of separation between myself and an action-- for example, you say something mean to someone and then you beat yourself up for saying something that hurt someone. Blame becomes a vicious cycle of downward spiral. There in lies the nugget, if you identify with like and dislike all the time, you turn on yourself therefore the act of self remembering gets covered up by judgement. When you judge the separation can become strong enough that you prevent yourself from seeing and feeling your behaviour this not taking full responsibility for it. Judgement is like looking through dark glasses-- you can make out the shadow of yourself, just not your true Self.

The next nugget we mined for was what Self Observation calls, the "law of maintenance." What goes unfed weakens and what gets fed grows stronger. In JDC terms become focused so as to not live on auto pilot--- when your attention remains steadfast on the art of self remembering, you don't drop like a rock into the fight or flight mask of protection.

I had the boys settle into meditation, which we have been doing for 5 minutes before savasana over these last weeks of reading this book and gave them the nugget of what settles you? For the first time since we began this practice, the boys actually became quiet and held into stillness for the entire 5 mintues, all of them-- there was no fidgiting, there was no knuckle cracking, there was no laughing or looking around-- they dove into the pool of self rememberance and it was beautiful to be witness too.

Thank you so much to my teacher Karen and her teacher Lee for the opportunity to open the hearts and minds of these kids to this beautiful artform.

Jenifer, There is to be NO MORE HUGGING after Yoga!

2010-04-08T16:14:00.000-07:00

Yup, that was the verdict from the powers that be in JDC, and I will expect their wishes--I am a guest in their facility, I will however respectfully disagree for the main reason that no one hugs the kids in JDC, the staff is not allowed to, their parents upon visits are not allowed to and now their crazy yoga lady is not allowed to either. A part of me aches for the kids, NO HUGGING, NO SUPPORTIVE TOUCH of any kind-- it's no wonder that the kids are so longing for a "herd" and when they leave JDC have a return rate of 3.5 days. Understand that this hugging ban will not curtail the benefits of teaching yoga in JDC, it will however take a moment to get used to seeing the kids run up to hug me and then have to respectfully decline.

Exerpts from The Wonderful Effects of Hugging Our Children--Tanisha Burke

Hugging a child is one of the ways of show affection and love. Any adult can share hugs with any child. It has powerful effects that can transform the physical and emotional well-being of the child.

Hugging:

* Helps the body’s immune system
* It cures depression
* It reduces stress
* It induces sleep
* It revitalize

In addition to the above effects children also benefit from hugging as it:

* Makes them feel better about themselves and their surroundings
* Makes them more loving and affectionate
* Induces and is an expression of forgiveness
* Positively affect their development and IQ
* Increases their sense of security, safety, trust and happiness
* Relieves pain
* Relieves loneliness, frustration, anxiety and other negative
emotions
* Opens doors to feelings that children may need to share – reducing
the likelihood of explosive behaviours
* Overcomes fear
* Eases tension
* Imparts feelings of belonging
* Transfers energy and gives the child hugged an emotional boost

It is amazing how a simple hug can transform the emotional well-being of our children.

This is supported by scientific research that suggests that every human being needs:

* Four (4) hugs per day to merely survive, that is, minimal emotional
level
* Eights (8) hugs per day to maintain oneself at a strong emotional
level
* Twelve (12) hugs per day to grow and become a better person

In his book Touching: The Human Significance of Skin, Dr. Ashley Montagu examines the importance of touch on all aspects of human development. Through an analysis of the study of mammal, monkey, ape and human behaviors, he concludes that just as breathing is a basic physical need for these species, touch is a basic behavioral need and when this need remains unsatisfied, abnormal behavior is a likely outcome. He writes:

"Both the hugger and the person being hugged benefit because they have the immediate positive outcome of feeling good. Hugs are heartwarming and can have the effect of leaving one energized and rejuvenated. A caregiver's hug accurately expresses to a child feelings of love, acceptance, comfort and a desire for closeness."

He continues.

"Hugging is health-enhancing because it reduces tension and stress, aids the immune system, helps with sleep, assists in building self-esteem and best of all has no negative side effects. When we open our hearts and arms to others, we inspire them to do likewise."

Inner Warrior

2010-04-06T16:37:00.000-07:00

Self Observation Chapter 2, The Mammal Instrument-- Inner Process

WOW! The kids asked last night if I was going to read the next chapter of our book, Self Observation! Wow-- of course, I told them-- one of the boys said, that he thought about his habits for the last couple of weeks, and really paid attention-- he realized that he did a lot of things the same way, he realized that " his thoughts had the most habits, like when someone talks to me I think it's going to be bad-- everytime, so I don't even listen to them in fact I just get mad-- I just know that if someone wants to talk to me-- it's bad-- but yesterday Easter, I watched my thoughts- I didn't get mad, and when someone came to talk to me, we talked, about how crappy the food was, but we talked-- is that what you mean?"

I found a portion of chapter 2 which talks about the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle-- the act of observation changes the thing observed-- self observation changes what is observed within-- observation honestly and without judgement. In yoga terms-- where your mind goes your Prana goes-- we tried this with the idea of paying attention or notice your tendancy, and then open yourself to the idea that you are great! We worked with shoulders. In JDC, shoulders are a huge deal because EVERY kid is slummped over, everyone is in full protection mode to get the kids to stand up is a HUGE deal. Since I couldn't use belts because of safety reasons, the kids stood with their back against the wall to feel their shoulders-- one of the kids said, "I noticed that when my shoulders are back, I feel 10 feet tall-- like a warrior. Wow that Heisen guy knows his stuff" We worked most of the class by the wall-- each child got to see around the room, how each boy felt more warrior like and it stuck-- as we moved back to the mats, the boys still stood 10 feet tall-- they observed and they opened without fear and without judgement. Now, there is no mistaking that the boys are still in fear and still judge, but for a moment in time they didn't and they remembered what it was like to feel strong within themselves-- they got to celebrate their inner warrior.

War Plant

2010-03-29T22:28:00.000-07:00

Written by one of the boys--- he faces many years in the adult prison system.

War Plant

I've got this pencil in my right hand
and this lonesome paper on the table.....
As i road the vast plains of my land,
I'll tell you the bit of my fable.

I was born with brown skin
Growing like a plant, but full of sin
with exteamly rich soil, and very bright colors
Rejected by family, accepted by brothers

Exausted and stressed as the sun goes down
i've got great ambitions to own the crown
but now it's dark, scarry, with a clouded moon
Shade all my colors, but red
for the predators come soon.

Run! Run! All the little critters say
I am a war plant, and stand too strong to decay...
But the unknown is an adversity I face
more or less I fear.........

The Herd

2010-03-28T13:54:00.000-07:00

As I entered a new Immersion with my teacher Karen, there was a new reading list-- VERY EXCITING! One of the books is called Self Observation by Red Hawk. To say that this book is incredible is like saying the Grand Canyon is just a little hole--

This book begins:
Knowing Others is wisdom:
Knowing the self is enlightenment.
--Lao Tsu, Tao Te Ching, Sutra 33

WOW! right, two sentences full of incredible openings. I decided that this would be good for the kids at JDC to have read to them, that's right I said read to them--- not because they cannot read, but because being read to is a comforting experience and hearing the words deepings thier understanding.

It would be easy to say the kids sat and listened to the first chapter, but they didn't and I'm ok with that, the first chapter is about being part of the herd-- that as mammals we are herd animals, therefore driven by a leader and very suseptible to habits-- moving in circles constantly repeating them. In JDC it is very much a herd mentality-- the kids are always following the "strongest" one-- right or wrong they want to be part of the crowd-- to think for themselves would mean breaking away from the herd, and a loner in jail is looked at as weak-- therefore picked on because the herd is not "ok" with someone thinking on their own-- the loner might actually change the minds of some of the herd.

I say I'm ok with them not listening to the first chapter because they live it-- every day and have their whole lives, each family is a herd, and each of these kids out of survival has had to conform to the herd even if they do not think what the herd is doing is right-- and kids who do not have strong family support turn to the herd of their freinds, where no matter what they cannot stray and be alone-- it's too scary being alone.

Each member of the JDC herd makes a contribution, and in some weird way the kids feel like they are part of something-- good or bad, each of us wants to feel included in something, these kids are no different. What happens in a herd mentality however is that each member loses a small part of their "basic goodness" because they cease to listen to their true Self and give up their thoughts for the acceptance of others.

Even though the kids did not listen or what I perceived to be listening, there was conversation during yoga about fitting in-- and what it really means. One boy asked me, if I ever followed a herd (busted) and I said yes, we all have the basic instinct to "fit in" not feel left out- but one day I decided that I wanted to make decisions about my life for me-- and even though I'm still friends with many of the people i don't live my life to impress them. Another boy asked, what if you can't get out of your herd-- what if you pledged to stay with them no matter what-- what if you will be hurt if you leave-----WOW! I have to be honest that in that moment I had no answer for that, I know and he knows and everyone knows what he was talking about-- gangs-- and that is a herd that I don't understand, but yet I do because we all want to feel included, and when you are so alone that anything feels better than being alone-- a gang feels good in the beginning, and you feel safe for maybe the first time in your life because you have someone to protect you.

Knowing others is wisdom;
Knowing the self is enlightenment.....

Boys Will Be Boys

2010-03-02T15:49:00.000-08:00

I had the pleasure of having my teachers son Eli who is an aspiring teacher himself come into the jail with me last night and teach the boys some rockin arm balances. It takes a very brave soul to walk behind the razor wire of JDC and spend time with 14 teenaged boys-- learning to teach in JDC is kind of like your first solo flight ever being in a Blackhawk helicopter. There is turbulance, a lot of nerves, a feeling of complete panic, and somewhere back in your mind, a remember of in order to see it through-- you will at some point have to just take off.

He did amazingly, Eli is 20, and the Editor of the North Idaho College newspaper, the Sentinal-- he is one of the most amazingly bright 20 year olds I know, and he has this inate ability that when you are talking to him, you feel like he is really listening-- like no matter what is happening in the world, he is focused and present with you.

As he entered JDC, he was BEAMING with excitment, he was so excited about his class. The cool thing is that Eli knew some of the kids from his last visit during our 3 hour extravaganza-- so they were so happy to see him. Besides me, he is one of the only visitors many of these kids will have. Many of the kids do not have parents that come to visit-- so we are it, me and Eli..... visitors.

What started as your typical yoga class, centering opening, Eli's sweet present voice melting over each boy, turned into a rockin, high flying arm balancing extravaganza-- one of the best parts of the class, was when Eli went to teach Bakasana, and then one of the kids said, "hey can we do that and turn it into headstand and then twist and turn it into that legs out arm balancing thing". At that point it was on, the kids were totally into working the arm balances-- they were totally ready to "bust a move"--- the music went on and they were off-- sharing like friends in the basement of their best friend house the tricks to pulling off the yoga tricks they learned. Rock music blared, they each had beautiful bright-- open faces and the words of yoga melted into them, and they worked hard-- really hard and at the end of class, where there should have been savasana, they said, "please let's keep working-- this is fun." All barriers were broken, no class differenciation, no gang differenciation,, no tribal differnciation--just boys being boys-- hanging out listening to music, and sharing. A bond was formed last night with Eli and the boys that will remain between them for a long time. Eli became part of our jail kula, and they welcomed him with sweetness. It's easy to forget when you see the kids hanging out that some of them are in there for crimes-- but maybe the crime is keeping them from realizing that they are worth so much more, and once a week, I love that we bring them the ability to just be kids-- hanging out listening to music, and doing yoga and remembering that they are worth every breath that they breathe, that they are worth every minute of attention that they receive, and that they are worthy of every minute of our "visit."

Survivor

2010-02-28T17:26:00.000-08:00

I couldn't believe it when I arrived at JDC Wednesday-- one of my original flowers returned. She was with me originally for about 200 days, and Wednesday she told me that she is returning for another 267-- 60 she will serve in JDC, and 200 she will serve in the big jail because she will turn 18. When she left, she was eager to start her new life, it seemed she made some progress- she was off drugs for 200 days. A good start, but as many addicts of anything know, if you're not ready to accept responsibility-- you're not ready for recovery. She hugged me for the last time about 2 months ago, and she hugged me again Wednesday-- for about 5 minutes. She weighs about 80 pounds and the track marks on her arms tell the story of her long road back to JDC-- she is a meth addict, she shoots meth, and her 35 year old girlfriend is in the mix as well. Her mother would prefer that she be with her girlfriend, because I'm sure that it's easier to be alone with no responsibility for your daughter than actually being with her and pretending you cannot see what is happneing.

She told me she longed for yoga on the outside, that she wanted to come see me but her bodies craving for her drug was more powerful-- she is a lost girl, searching and hiding from herself.

We began yoga, just simple breath, there were only 5 girls on this night-- 5 girls who have been together for a while in and out of JDC, girls don't have the opporutnity to hide in JDC, they dress the same, they cannot do their hair and there is obviously no make up-- vaseline on the lips that is it. There is no hiding when you are here, you are definatly your raw self. Everyone can see when you have been, and because no one wants to acknowledge their dificiencies, they walk around paying no attention to each other-- they talk, but they exist, that's it. They look young and so old at the same time, withdrawn, as if they have given up. Their hair from drugs is stiff and course, their skin from drugs, especially meth is weeping. Meth is made from very unhealthy things like Drano, hydrogen peroxide, sulfer, and obviously amphetamines--- there is even a process where you extract it from pee, but that's a story for another time. So meth is not metabolised, it is forced out of the body -- so sores appear, you actually begin leaking meth.

As we began breathing we began moving and with arms overhead, the sleeves fell down and the track marks were evident, maybe for the first time, the girls are faced with what they have done to their bodies in the sweetness of yoga. This is the hardest part for me, because I want to shake them and tell them that there is a better way-- but I can't and won't because we join together in yoga, I have become no threat to them, and therefore as they do yoga they open more than their bodies, their hearts begin to remove the protective layer and we talk-- about boys, parents, drugs, how hard it is when you have to grown up at 7 and take care of yourself-- how hard it is to not know from one day to the next who you can rely on, and how hard it is to know that without the tools to live, you do have to rely on yourself-- so it is easier to turn to drugs that make you forget or boys/girls who make you feel like your worthy even if it is only for one night. These kids search for what we all search for the ability to be happy.

Each of these girls is in need of so many things, and yet they are staunch survivors, victims yes, and many of them for life, but maybe through yoga they will survive a little-- and remember their inner beauty.

Yoga is what they look forward to in jail, they tell me this, but i really believe it is that they look forward to time and attention from someone who wants to do nothing more than breathe with them--

We continue our class, and we do Virabhadrasana II, and i talk about how strong they are, and how as you look down your third finger of your front hand, hold strong to the strength in yourself-- and my flower says, "Yeah give your problems the finger-- and then stand strong in yourself!"

Journey Home

2010-02-06T09:01:00.000-08:00

There is a story about a Basque countryman who decided one day to walk from Spain to Kathmandu, India-- he began walking with no money, only a toothbrush, diary and a pen-- He made it-- I love this story, walking home-- the bareness of the road, the simplicity. Imagine leaving somewhere and then not having to worry about so many things first, before you leave. This countryman just started walking-- he knew that outwardly there was not a lot he needed, but inwardly he had the ferocity of intention to complete the journey.

Many of the kids at JDC leave the home they know (JDC) and walk into a life they are not prepared for with nothing more than they were booked with, when they were booked, this could be one week, or one year later-- outwardly some would say they were in need, no one worries abou them inwardly-- no one wonders where they will go, they are just gone. Many of the kids that I have an opportunity of getting to know, are scared to death of this moment, they long for the simplicity of JDC, like the Basque countryman, they love not having to worry about so many things first, they are just walking through life, with no outward need--- their life before JDC had a ferocious need to complete anything and JDC is their journey and they LOVE it-- they love the structure (muscle energy), the ability to have certain times of the day where they know what comes next-- many people would argue that the kids don't have to think or make decisions in JDC, but I would argue with tenacity that the kids now have the time to think, to sit with themselves and decide how they want to live (organic energy). Yes kids are bitter at first, but they are in mourning, they mourn their old life, no matter how hard or scary, or unsafe it was, it was theirs-- and they miss their parents no matter how absenct, how scary, how abusive, or how high they were, they were theirs. In JDC you are given a boundary (muscle energy) and you have the opportunity to grow from there (organic energy). Most of the kids love the idea of boundary, they become kids, they don't have to be parents and kids at the same time, they get to hold onto the boundary(muscle energy) and find themselves. Talk about a journey home a ferocity for inner intention. These are put in place in JDC, they places for the kids to feel safe, muscle energy brings about safety, a boundary to open against with integrity. In response, the kids like the Basque man walk, on a journey, they just walk into or away from their lives.... the journey is not outward, it is inward they walk inside the heart of themselves.

Grizzly Bear

2010-02-02T16:03:00.000-08:00

There is anticipation every time I enter the razor wired fence of JDC, my heart starts racing, and I begin to feel anxious-- my palms get sweaty, I really kind of have a little anxiety attack-- then I remember I get to leave. I don't have to stay in the room where I teach, coverd in peas from dinner, and many leaves of lettuce that got moved around by the mop, but never picked up- as I enter I know that this is where I'm supposed to be, this is the best place in the world to teach-- this is where the yoga magic happens.

It has been a couple of weird weeks at JDC, lots of new kids pushing the limits of their boundaries, and one new guard who feels it is his duty to remind every one of the kids how completely clueless they are--- which to me is completely funny becuase this no less than 350 pound man screams at the kids to work harder at yoga as he sits and watches them work hard-- after Savasana, last night, he screamed for 10 minutes at the kids because they don't listen enough-- and then told them to give him a reason to get mad....... come on, this ranting is what they've had their whole lives, helllooooo they are not listening to you crazy screaming man-- they don't care who you are, you are just another screaming hebeast amoung the many hebeasts that have crossed their paths.

I'm drawn to how ironic this whole situation is, the kids just get out of a 10 minute Savasana, they are calm, they are quiet and then whammo screaming crazy man-- WTF? As I tried to melt away my angry feeling and profound sadness for the kiddos, I am reminded of the two principles of Anusara Yoga which are muscle energy and organic energy-- the spanda of life, the vibration that brings life and spouts greatness. Too much muscle energy and you close off the opening, too much organic energy and you end up with flacid movement. Last night, as the kids were in Savasana, the ultimate form of passive organic energy, they softened, that is when they actually get to feel-- many of them cry into the eye pillows because they actually soften to the point of rememberance---

This grizzly bear of a man, however loud and shouting he was, never did disturb the beauties, they looked at him with blank stares, rolled thier mats, put their eye pillows away and lined up-- each one thanking me for coming-- maybe their muscle energy is so strong that these words from a loud clueless person really didn't permiate their beautiful extention-- could their organic energy field, hold strong enough to not let the words get in--- probably not, I think that maybe someday the yoga will help them remember that they are more than words-- that their perfection given from birth is their gift --

As I leave the same way I came, through the razor wire, past the chain linked fence, out the gate that buzzes me in, I'm filled with gratitude to the grizzly bear who growled so loud that the earth shook, because in his growl, you could see that he is scared too, he's not sure how to handle these kids because he has never been handled with Grace and Gratitude--

Chill Time

2010-01-19T16:06:00.000-08:00

There is a change in the boys as JDC, there are ALOT of new kids, now this I'm used to-- never knowing who I'm going to take on the journey that night, but last night there were like 15 new kids-- 15 kids who at that of the realization that they were walking into a yoga class with an old lady and that at that moment they felt like yoga class was their personal hell. Normally I have a few "tough" kids, those boys who are feared because their crime or their version of their crime is urban legend, and the new kids know not to mess with them, but secretly want to be like them, hence my dilema last night, my "tough" kids have either aged out of JDC, or moved up the street to the big jail. No help! So for the first time in a very long time, I was left with boys who would rather do anything, anything than find their inner selves, is it weird that this is what inspires me -- I love the scared deer in the forest, always have, mostly because I've been there, I've been in the forest, and searched for a guide-- in this crazy roller coaster we called life. At one point in the class, one of the boys sat down and said, "I'm not doing gay yoga-- I'm not bending over and having everyone check out my ass. I'm not a faggot!" As the guards approached to remove him for language, I quietly explained, that we are in a square, no one is going to check out any part of you because you are all bent over to the cetner of the room-- towards me. I love when the boys try to get me to react, to act like everyone else in their life, like they are an inconveneicne, because at no point do I ever feel they are-- he bent into Uttanasana and thanked me after class for the "chill time". Is there really anything sweeter.........

New kids means chaos-- controlled chaos, New kids means that my "authority" will be challenged at every word, and that for most of the time, I will be stared down-- not listened to, stared down as if at any moment if the right words came out of my mouth I would burst into flames. Again, this I love, I love to see the toughest kids come in, hate me, hate yoga, and then magically after a few weeks soften to their perfection, soften to the fact that they are what they are in jail for, they are in fact Good! New kids also mean that they do not listen to any instruction, the new kids want to "show off" their yoga skills, they want the hardest poses to muscle into to show up the other kids-- if you didn't know this already, I am not that kind of teacher, I do not teach kids to muscle into anything-- because that is what they have done their whole life, and those around them have muscled them their whole lives. So instead I teach them to try and soften into their poses, to Open to their Highest and then at some point they do begin to listen and the work begins. This is heaven to me-- the transformation the fact that yoga can take the toughest ego and remind anyone that no matter what they are surrounded by love and that their goodness no matter how much they want to hide it finds its way out.

I'm Not Opening-- Fuck Her

2010-01-06T21:38:00.000-08:00

I'm not Opening--Fuck Her
T- Juvenile Detention Inmate

Open she said,
To something bigger--
Open she said
Find the beauty of your heart!

Open she said
Know that you are worthy of greatness
Open she said
You are born of perfection

She doesn't know me,
Fuck Her
I'm not perfect,
I'm here--

Closed I looked at her
Closed I looked through her
Closed I hate her-- Fuck Her

Open she kept saying,
Open and feel the difference

Closed I yelled in my mind
Closed is where I belong
Closed is comfortable
Fuck You

Open and feel your breath
Open and feel your body respond

Closed I felt my breath
Closed my body needs to remain closed

Closed is safe, protected
Open to the breath,
What if she sees my heart--
I feel her look into me

When she brings in her mats
I'm safe
Fuck Her
When she says, take a nice seat--
I soften
Fuck Her
When she says, Good Evening Beauties
I know that she is here for me
Fuck her

I start to breathe,
and I Open
I start to move
and I Open
I feel the mat under my feet
and I feel safe

The yoga she brings
Every week,
maybe she's right,
After 49 weeks,
After many poses
After many "Open your heart" lectures
I think maybe I've opened
And all that's left is me
And the mat feels safe,
And the words feel safe,
And because of that
My heart feels safe.
I open
I'm scared
Fuck her
For brining on the feeling
My hands meet at my heart-
Anjay Mudva
I feel my heart against my thumbs
It beats
Fuck her
I don't want to feel,
What is happening
Why does she keep coming
Fuck Her

Fuck her
She's right
I don't have to put my heart in prison with me
I am worthy
I know I'm safe on my mat
I've opened
I've opened
I've opened

Christmas Morning

2009-12-28T08:26:00.000-08:00

Christmas for me came Dec. 26 when my good yoga friend Buck came to guest teach at the JDC. The kids love him, he's a sweet beautiful practitioner who has fallen in love with these kids as I have. This time I brought Eli, my teacher's son to help with the practice and also to show the kids that this hip 20 year old man who yoga has touched his entire life, is cool-- and they saw it, and they loved him.

Christmas has always been a weird time for me, I've never really been into the orgy of gift giving-- it all seems so completely weird to buy things for people who really don't want them, and to receive gifts from people that you could get for yourself if you really needed them. As a single mother at 19, there has always been the pressure of money. I come from an upper middle class family who never understood why at 19 I didn't have money to shower my daughter with gifts--- and so the pressure to give her the latest and greatest stroller at 3 was pretty intense. In order to fulfill these kinds of things I worked alot--- I worked when I should have been parenting, I worked when I should have been doing anything. I was really blessed with a good work ethic from way back in my family history-- my family from Northern Minnesota came from working people-- both sets of my grandparents were immigrants and working was their life-- my grandfather-- who has always been the love of my life, worked and then retired with an incredible pension and benefits that have served him now longer than he worked to earn them-- it's a remarkable story for another time.

This great work ethic has served me well over my life, and that is why I now can spend the day after Christmas with the kids at JDC-- my life has transformed from working for a paycheck, to what I like to call sharing, growing, and living to breathe life into the hearts of the kids of JDC---

As Buck, Eli and I were in the gym of JDC, I was litterally trembling with excitement, this Christmas Practice was all these kids had to look forward to over the last weeks, and I couldn't wait to see their faces-- this was Christmas to me, kids running in to find their mat, and open the presents of their heart.

Buck has been to JDC, 3 previous times, and many of the kids have seen him all 3 times. Buck has a strong presence about his yoga, he is an amazing practioner, and he is a beautiful teacher-- his strong love for yoga comes through in his confidence with his teaching-- the kids were silent during the beginning of the practice, watching, really drinking in all that Buck could give them--- the front row compirsed of many of the kids that Buck has seen, and they all had uncontrolled smiles on their faces. Having a man come into JDC who is a practioner, is a big deal-- after 2 years, some of the kids hear the voice of Charlie Brown's teacher when I talk-- I love to infuse them with Buck's voice and wisdom-- it breaks the monotany of an old lady who really is into the placement of their feet ;) Buck teaches Ashtanga, an ass kicker of a practice designed for young teenage boys-- and they eat it up, it's face paced, jumpy, floaty and really fun--- it's a strong practice, one I like to visit, but really would not like to live, at 40 I'm not into jumping--- Buck is amazing at his craft, really skilled teacher, and his yoga is stunning-- he has a quiet confidence about him that puts his students at ease and in that moment of ease he has them open and he fills them with yoga-- it's humbling to watch and I feel more blessed everytime he comes.

Eli was a new addition, he also has a quiet confidence that puts everyone around him at ease. He settled into the 3rd row next to one of the kids who is heavily medicated, and well kind of "not his best self", but Eli in his beautiful way, talked him through a lot of poses, Eli was quietly guiding him into the best poses he could do. It was pretty auspicious that he was next to this boy, because through the last year of my teaching him, he laid on his mat, with an occational manic outburst-- but with Eli, he listened, and he did most of the 3 hour practice. Eli has lived yoga, his beautiful mother is my Teacher, and you could definatly see her shining through him-- it was spectacular to be witness too. Eli has said many times that he's not sure if teaching yoga is in his future, but if I had a crystal ball I would tell you that it is, he's a natural teacher because his heart is so big.

The true heros that day, were the girls, 7 of them who all hung in for the entire 3 hour practice, the did all the poses, the were AWESOME! Buck was stunned many times at the talent of the girls-- kapotasana is one of their off the shelf poses, and they ALL did it beautifully-- and it was amazing for the boys to see that the girls could do arm balances better than some of them, and that the girls didn't care what the boys were doing, they just quietly did their yoga-- practice over a long period of time with devotion--- It was awe inspiring to watch!

Another beautiful Christmas-- as we rolled the mats, I can honestly say we were all wrapped in love-- which is really what Christmas is about..... sharing your heart with those that need it most.

Hugs

2009-12-06T16:51:00.000-08:00

Before I begin, I am compelled to thank everyone who helped me keep steady on this path for my kids, there have been bumps in the road, there have been gale force winds trying to sway me away from JDC, and there have been bright beautiful flowers who are the reason I keep digging deeper into the depths of my heart. I must however thank my teacher Karen who's unwavering belief in this process of transformation that Yoga really takes you on. I have been blessed with great amazing teaching from Karen, and because of her being my anchor, I have had the ability to shine the light of awareness on the children of JDC whose lives may or may not be touched but whose hearts for the moments we are together are undoubtedly full of their goodness.

On Wednesday night I had a class of 40 boys, many boys who have been with me on and off my entire time at JDC, and of course new boys-- scared, and wondering what the Hell does Yoga have to do with jail.

One of my longtime students, who is quiet, reserved, plainly he is broken-- he makes no eye contact and has not looked at me for 18 months-- not one time, he is scared of everything but mostly himself-- came up to me after class-- he asked to speak to me and one of the guards was clearly nervous about this-- this boy speaks to no one. After a long pause of counting the rows of boards in the floor, he looked up at me-- not just at me but inside me and he said "Jen, thank you for coming here, thank you because my dad died, and this Christmas my mom is dying, and I'm here-- and this class helps me forget that everything in my life is falling apart." I couldn't speak, I looked at him for it felt like an hour-- I held his heart in my eyes. He continued, " that music you play about Ghandi (MC Yogi) Be the change you want the world to be, I say that over and over because I want to be the change, do you think Yoga can help me?" Of course, I whispered holding back a flood of tears. "Will you keep coming here, because when my mom dies, I have no one else who will come, please keep coming here, he said. Of course I whipsered there is no place I would rather teach--- He said, " with this class I think i can change at least in here, it's safe in here." And then he hugged me-- not the ususal jailhouse hug, but a hug that felt like he tried to melt into my arms and be safe, secure, and vulnerable. He held me so tight, I could not breathe, but I did not let go, I held him until he let go and the guard took him away-- back to his cell.

Thank you to my friend Beth M who gave me this CD by MC Yogi to try and bridge the gap between yoga and hip hop and to try and reach these boys-- Beth comes with me every class in that CD, she is a part of my teaching, all of my strength for these kids comes from the people in my life. Hugs to everyone of you-- Hugs!

Yoga Goddess

2009-11-17T16:43:00.000-08:00

Yoga to the girls of JDC, is a sweet process of opening to their best self. Yesterday, I had the opportunity to witness a miracle--

One of the girls in JDC, is mentally challenged, she is bright, beatiful, and very eager to befriend anyone (this is one of her issues). She is mentally challenged not because she was born that way, but because her mother used so many drugs while she was pregnant that her daughter's brain did not develop.

The last couple classes, the girls who have been in JDC a while, began to pick on her, and this picking lasted for days-- she was worn down when she came to class-- vacant.

This beautiful flower transforms during class, her magical smile comes through-- she LOVES it, she is held in a special observational room during the day, and she doesn't get to spend much time with other kids, for her safety and for theirs.

She works the hardest of any kid I've had in jail, she is really into her breath, she begins to blossom in yoga. She transforms through her practice.

Last night we had a new crop of girls in class, they were 15-- that being said, they know it all, have no desire to listen, and hate everyone around them. And they are mean, not only to each other but to everyone, and secretyly to themselves.

We were working on Shin Loop last night, getting to really feel the lift in the calf, finding that the calf, is the stabalizing force behind working from the foundation to a standing balance pose--- and it happened....one of the mean girls, looked at this beautiful yoga flower who she said was stupid not 4 mintues before and said--"S-- you are my yoga hero-- how are you able to do all these things-- are you some sort of super hero?" If I could describe the joy that came bursting from this girl-- I would pale at the actual seeing of her joy explosion. She lit up-- she woke up-- she realized in that moment that someone SAW her--she filled with light. For the rest of the class, they kept asking "S am I doing this right?" It was AMAZING!! I had to hold back tears of joy for her and hold back tears of gratefulness for the other girls. This beautiful girl, whose had nothing but complete searching for belonging to something and anyone, found her place amongst the "mean" girls. She blossomed into a Yoga Goddess last night, and she radiated with strength.

People in the jail have told me that the room we teach yoga in, has become a place of peace--they can feel it. That even if kids are not getting along-- when they enter this classroom, that the kids completely calm down and seem to leave their uneasiness at the door--- I love the power of SHAKTI!!!!

Awake

2009-11-12T15:50:00.001-08:00

In class recently with my teacher Karen, she made a statement that really hit home with me--- well all her statements do, but this one in particular. As we were working she said, "It was asked of BKS Iyengar if he thought he would ever get cancer, he's 92, and he said NO, cancer could not hide inside me, my body is fully awake." WOW! And it got me thinking, how do we know we are fully awake?

I pondered this questions to my JDC kids, and their looks of "WHat the hell are you talking about!" really hit home with me. When I was a kid, there was no internet, there was no cool video games, well there was pong, but nothing like today-- no cell phones, nothing to suck your energy except good old fashioned playing outside and living strong inside your imagination.

What does it mean to be fully awake inside yourself? I thought about if I was truly awake, I mean, I do yoga, I teach yoga, I read the Yoga Sutras, I live for Light on Yoga, I am becoming an anatomy junky-- but am I awake to my highest potential? Or do I walk around in a fog of what Christina Sell names the "Downward Sprial?" Is it easier to be good at what I'm good at, and numb to what challenges me?

It seems to me, as I really studied people this week, that many of us are walking around in a fog until some catastrophic even jolts us AWAKE! Then we begin to take stock into what the heck we have been doing-- in yoga this would be "removing the veil from the mirror of your heart." My daughter for example, lives in Las Vegas as a UNLV student, who recently driving around in a fog of text messaging, hit the back of another car. In that moment, she tells me-- Mom I will never text message while driving again, I will not tailgate, and I'm going to be a better driver. My response to her was why were you not a better driver in that moment before the accident-- she says I don't know I guess I just wasn't paying attention. Paying attention is being awake to all that goes on around you-- paying attention to ourselves and others is all we have-- what are we robbing from inside our hearts if we are not paying attention?

With awareness of all that supports you in life, understanding that to live your most beautiful radiant life, you need to be awake to the best part of yourself-- well that seems easy-- but in retrospect it's easier to walk around in a daze, just bouncing from thing to thing like a ping pong ball-- and then finally sitting in front of the TV, watching David Letterman, and secretly happy that his life right now at this moment is somehow worse than yours-- watching crazy reality TV to feel better about not living from a space of awakening. It seems to me that we are wasting time until our last breath, when maybe we awaken for a split second to the best part of ourselves. But is living our best live in the last moments enough-- why wait to open ourselves, why wait to become the person we want to be?

To me that's not enough, every day we get a new 24 hours as a gift to wake up! WE get to open ourselves every morning to the brightness of our heart and to look inside to tap into our source and then expand from there. If every morning we knew that all we had to do to awaken was to give our best self to others to look inside everyday and say, "Yes today I live from my awakened state of beauty."

To answer your questions, yes after this explaination to the kids in JDC, they still had the look of "Can we get to the asana, please crazy awake yoga lady?" And then I snuck in the lesson of awakening your poses through Ankle Loop-- how Ankle Loop can brighten any standing pose because if you are awake in your 4 cornered feet with the strength of your arch working to sustain your beautiful architechture-- then taaadaaaa your leg awakens to its highest potential-- Proudly I will report that all kids awakened to Padangustasana for the first time, steady grounded and aware of all that supports them-- so for a moment they were AWAKE!!!

Trauma

2009-10-27T16:08:00.000-07:00

In a CDC article it was written that when children have a traumatic event in their lives if the trama is not dealt with, over time the trauma settles in the person and takes hold. This article showed that of the people who contract Auto Immune Diseases such as multiple sclerosis, rheumatoid arthritis, Hashimoto's thyroiditis, pernicious anemia, Addison's disease, systemic lupus erythematosus, Sjögren's syndrome , lupus erythematosus, Graves' disease and celiac disease if the people were abused as children, their likely hood for contracting these diseases raise 70-100%. I was floored--trauma in childhood actually creates inflammation and autoimmunity in adulthood. It makes sense, the kids I see at JDC are riddled with medication for behaviors. But is medication the answer, medication I feel is the easy way--- medication helps to cover up but never really treat the symptoms that these kids deal with everyday.

Think about it, these kids, most of them have come from ridiculously hard childhoods, and they are still children! If you are 14 and for over 10 years you have dealth with abuse and neglect that is all you know, it becomes a part of you, and your body doesn't know what to do in order to fight disease, it esentially shuts down and you become a shell, a lost , broken shell of a person who in order to be "dealt" with gets medicated so that the people in your life, can deal with you.

I shared this information with the kids this week, it was a raw time for them, not many people discuss their past, it seems that the system just wants them to "pull it together enough" to float through their day in a cloud of medication.

Yoga, helps these kids understand that they are not patterns of abuse, not an abandoned child, and so much more than their laundry list of medication.

One girl, on Monday was very clued into this line of thinking, she has had a life that no adult could live through and shes 13!! Her entire life has been riddled with abuse of a physical nature, abuse of a mental nature, abandanment from everyone she knows, and she sits mouth hanging open from her medication that is used to "calm" her. She has been a girl who really doesn't try-- life has shown her you don't have to-- her body understands that if it just is "quiet" then she gets through her day-- that is her coping skill-- just get through the day so she can take her alotted Ambien and fall into a coma like sleep. But Monday, she perked up, she told us many things about herself, she felt safe, and after a few poses of opening, she broke down, and lifetime of trama began to break free. She felt safe. She explained it was her first time crying since she could remember. Her beautiful heart, that had been wrapped in guilt, and trama, and medication, let a flicker of light in, and she saw herself for the first time as a beautiful human being.

I explained to the staff that this was a break through, that for the rest of the night, she will be vulnerale, and need someone. They didn't get it, they may never get it, but a break through for that moment will cleanse this sweet blossom for a long time. Yoga gave her the strength to remember her sweetness, yoga brought about a beginning of the healing, Yoga opened the door to her heart. I am humbled and blessed to be part of this beginning.

The Stanky Leg

2009-09-28T07:44:00.000-07:00

For the last couple of months I have been on the kick that muscle energy is "it" in terms of understanding the power of poses. Most people have a hard time hugging into the best part of themselves, my opinion is that they have forgotten the best part of themselves so they don't know exactly what to hug into--

In JDC, this is more a challenge to my teaching than any other class, muscle energy is almost non existant-- it's not that the kids are not able to grasp the concept, it's that they don't understand why. I've noticed that to them, hugging in, finding the strength inside invoked a sense of anger. Anger became the one emotion they could access and still protect themselves from actually feeling, anger in JDC is the default emotion-- when you're frustrated because you're beginning to actually feel something, anger is the one emotion that they are framiliar with. So it is easier to get angry than to feel and open.

Last week in the girls class we were working Vira II, with an emphasis on the strong brightness that comes from muscle energy-- I used all the good words - strength, power, capable, honor, engage, etc. and still no no avial their back leg the power leg, the leg that lends itself to become the looking glass into the best part of yourself remained like a limp peice of iceburg lettuce. I kept on this idea that getting the kids to tap into that greatness that they were born with, would make somesort of shift--

I demoed, great responsible back leg strong and full of energy demo's and still when it was their turn, back leg limp, back leg falling apart-- At one point I felt that maybe they were sending me a message-- the big "F" you message that no matter what thye were not going to try-- not today--.

The one of the girls, said out loud, "Miss Jen do mean not to have a "stanky leg"?" Not to come off as not in touch with my cool side, I said, do you mean stinky--the girls laughed, no I mean Stanky she replied, and my non-cool old lady came out and said, tell me what you mean. "Well, when we are dancing, their is this move called the "stanky" leg, and it's where you let a leg jsut kind of hand there doing nothing, you now it's so much more than stinky, it's stanky. So is what you want is for us to not use the stanky leg, but to keep it straight and strong." Feeling like an old, out of touch, realizing I'm not hip and trendy, and for pete's sake, maybe as uncool as my mother---"I meekly replied, "Yes!" And then it happened, a miracle, Divine Intervention the back legs of these beautiful girls went from "stanky" to strong and the poses looked stronger than ever and their hearts shined like the light of 10000 suns.

Honor Status

2009-08-27T08:02:00.000-07:00

There is an honor system in JDC, whereas when you are a new guest, you walk in with orange status( not many privliges), you are able to earn our way up the chain by good behavior, helping when asked, and overall pleasant attitude. The kids are able to work up to dark blue status ( more privliges, picking activities etc) which takes the kids a while and means that they have earned it because it is not easy. You may reach the dark blue level, but there are mishaps that may bring you back down to a lesser level such as room grades, behavior, etc. There are many kids who achieve but cannot attain dark blue-- it's hard you have to obey the rules and not get aggitated into bad behavior by others. For all intenseive purposes, rules are being put on kids who generally have not had any, so a boundary for them is very hard to understand much less maintain. But when understood, Saucha, clean lines and boundaries are a helpful and necessary part of life. I use this teaching a lot in the themes because reinforcement of good behavior is very powerful for these kids. Most times they have been crushed emotionally and really have not feeling one way or another about how good or bad behavior effects themselves as well as others.

Which brings me to the cream of the crop "Honor Status", this is the holy grail of status in JDC, this status is the highest you can attain and you pretty much get to do whatever you want (in reason). You get to watch TV, you get to have a radio in your cell, you get to pick whatever activity you would like or not like to do. It is the ultimate in freedom. Kids who have achieved this level understand why they are in JDC, and have stopped fighting against themselves and everyone else. They are peaceful and accepting of responsiblity-- these are changed kids-- I would venture to say they have found the solice in the boundary. Most times they are kids who have been in JDC for a long period of time. Honor Status is not important to reach it's important to maintain. Because of life circumstances, it's easier to stay out of control than to maintain saucha-- a taste of freedom can be a very poison drink and one that brings about fear in many kids. You see, once the kids understand they have freedom, something good in their lives, they get scared of losing it so they self sabotage-- it has become easier to be in trouble.

One of the yoga boys has acheived this status and wears it proudly around the jail. He ran up to me to show me his shirt that says Honor Status, and he has maintained this status for a really long time. He is changed from the first time I met him, which was the first day I arrived to teach at JDC-- he was out of control, and he is a physically strong kid, let's just say he was in trouble a lot. I have had the opportunity to watch this magical transformation first hand, week by week and he has learned the value of saucha. At yoga yesterday, he wanted to talk to me after class, he is leaving JDC Monday and going home, changed for the better. He talked to me for the first time with soft eyes and a soft heart, he shared with me how proud he is of himself and how yoga helped him reclaim himself. He told me that he understands now that his actions were his actions, and not who he really is and that he finally feels ok to be the "goodness inside". He told me that he can't wait to get out and delete the contacts from his phone because he knows that they are not people he wants to surround himself with, he said "the energy thing, that makes sense to me Jen, and I don't want anyones negativity to ruin my prana." I asked what his plans are, and he said that he is going to his grandparents ranch to work because he knows that hard work is how you get ahead. After a long silence, he looked up at me and said my parents came to visit me last week for the first time, and even after all this they told me we'll pick you up from Jail, but then we're done with you, we can't be here for you. My heart sank to the floor, this boy has taken over a year to change himself, and his parents who should be his biggest advocates, parents who have not even seen him for over a year told him they are through-- are you kidding me? He saw my face, he knew what I was going to say, and he said, you know I'm ok with that, they are not people who are going to bring me up, they are not people who want what's best for me, they are people who are jealous at what I've become, they are afraid. Wow, I was speachless, this boy, my teacher reminded me that we all come from good, no matter what happens we must see the good in others in order to see it in ourselves. This sweet boy, who Monday walks into the world a changed man, begins his life of Honor Status--

Am I Just Texting? or Am I Cheating at Yoga?

2009-07-23T12:49:00.001-07:00

I have been working a theme for a while on relationships. I have found that society has become a mass texting, and emailing, and twittering, facebook, myspace virtual relationship. I was working on a problem where I had to contact the manufactorer, I needed help, I was desperatly searching for SOMEONE to help me, as I navigated the automated system, which was voice activated, and didn't seem to recognize a damn thing I was saying, I finally pushed the zero button long enough for the system to kick me over to a representative. With a sigh of relief for the time to actually talk to someone, I explained my problem, the actual person said to me, we value your business and are here to help, let me text you how you can solve your problem. TEXT me, I felt like I was going to cry....... now mind you I am 39, so I have lived and communicated with people long before the technilogical age of texting, twittering and facebook, so I have a level of expectation of how a problem should be solved, and it included building a relationship of mutual satisfaction with a person--- not a text. I flat out refused this text message, and begged for this person to just walk me through what to do-- she told me that she has only 2 minutes on the phone with each of their valued customers and that if she didn't get this text message out to me should would get into trouble. ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? There is no happy ending to this story, the story is that the text message came, and it was absolutly not helpful-- one main reason, the screen of my phone made it incredibly hard to understand. So this made me think of yoga, how many times have I stepped on my mat, ready for a great practice and began texting my body--- at what level of relationship am I practicing. I have used this theme for several weeks in class, its funny to talk about this with the kids in JDC, because they do not remember a time before texting, cell phone, and the internet-- they have no point of reference. Their relationships are based on less face to face contact and conversatin and more on texting, facebook, and less personal contacts. I asked the kids how many of them have had a relationship with just texting, and I swear to you 3/4 of the hands went up-- they told me it was because they met someone, and because they couldn't see them, they would just text-- this is baffeling to me, I cannot imagine having a relationship with someone and not get to understand their facial expressions, their voice inflections, their laugh--- and it hit me.... this is where the disconnect to the body comes in. If you cannot understand relationship, your body cannot communicate to you what is going on-- are we a society of people walking around waiting for a text from our body?

Working the poses from a basis of realtionship versus texting has been interesting-- I have come to understand that muscle energy is the foundation for relationship to yourself. Many people do not understand how to hug into their strength-- they are walking around like wet peices of lettuce waiting for someone to send them a message-- it is really interesting to work the poses from this angle. For example, in tadasana, the standing pose from which all standing poses originate-- you can stand there, really with no relationship to yourself-- legs are holding you up, arms are by your sides, your head supported by your neck-- just hanging out.. waiting..... or you can plug in through all four corners of your feet charge your legs with energy, lenthen through your sidebody, lift your low belly, open your collar bones, take your shoulders down your back, lengthen through your neck and soften your jaw--build a relationship with your body and feel what is actually happening, and know that deep inside yourself is the strength to hold yourself in relationship.

A couple weeks ago, as I was working this theme, my teacher Karen Sprute-Francovich brought up that her son gave her a magnet that says "I cheat at yoga!" It made me wonder how many times have I stepped on my mat, and cheated--- how many missed relationship opportunities have I let slip by. Is there a relationship that I'm missing in Urdhva Danusasana that is keeping me from full extension, how can I plug into myself and build that relationship of strength? And then it hit me-- Strong steady practice of a long period of time with devotion-- devotion is the conduit for relationship. Devotion allows the heart to lead the way, devotion is why we do yoga.

No Matter WHAT!

2009-06-18T07:47:00.000-07:00

On a recommendation from one of my teachers Patricia, I am reading Everyday Grace by Marianne Williamson-- a passage from her book struck me and I shared it with the flowers of JDC.

"For all darkness in the world stems from darkness in the heart. And it is there that we must do our Work. The universe is holographic, which means the whole is present in every piece. Therefore, as we address the shadow within us, we are addressing the shadow of the world. The Yogi does not deny the darkness, in ourselves or in the world but affirms the light that lies beyond it. And we have faith the light will prevail because we have faith that the light it our true identity. OUr task is to remember that. We invoke the light by actively acknowledging it is there."

There is a sweetness to the understanding that everyone NO MATTER what radiates light-- no matter how far into the darkness you travel, the light is prominently shining-- that is how you find your way.

We worked with Organic Energy and the understanding that you can be more than you think of yourself, stronger than you think, and above all else, know that your self esteem comes from the very fact that you were born-- your birth is a gift No Matter What!

The kids got it, they could really understand that at their core, they are beautiful, and that their decisions were bad, not themselves. That No Matter what their light shines brightly just because they were born.

It was a great practice with Ardha Chandrasana as the culmination of their sweetness and light--shining out from their center! They did great, everyone got up, everyone really tried -- I think that the acknowledgement of their ability to be strong and full of light in spite of their circumstances gave them the choice to believe it! Sometimes, you don't understand how beautiful you are until you see it in yourself!

My body is AMAZING!!!

2009-06-11T13:44:00.000-07:00

Anusara yoga is a fantastic system of yoga by which you're gifted 5 alignment priciples. Open to Grace, Muscular Energy, Inner Spiral, Outer Spiral and Organic Energy---each principle builds on the next in order for you to shine out with energectic movement and light. I've been really nervous about bringing in Inner Sprial and Outer Spiral as a featured principle to the kids-- I think it was more my own insecurity surrounding the spirals than the kids lack of wanting to learn them-- in fact, as I sit here, I know it was.

This week I took the leap, and brought them into the practice. Inner and Outer Sprial as the theme, opening to your best self as the heart quality. Inner and Outer Sprial are difficult to teach to the new student, because as a new student, you feel disconnected from your body-- at least for me, I was like flipping around like a tuna most of the first year of yoga-- and I was 35 not 14.

We started with the warm ups of inner and outer, understanding that the movement is a isometric movement of the bones in the legs, a refinement-- for the first 1/2 of the class the kids tried so hard, they really were working the legs in Utkatasana and trying their hardest to understand their upper inner thighs, but as the class went on, they felt like they couldn't do it and I was losing them and their energy was waning --- in jail, this practice is hard because we have no props, no blocks to hold between the legs, no belts from which to help the movement, just the body which I have to admit I really like-- don't get me wrong I am prop girl, but there's something about the rawness of no props and becoming ingenius about how do get the understanding across.

The girls were a little easier to grap onto this idea, girls are funny because if one person says they feel they all say they do---- it's pretty bizarre, but boys if they don't get it they don't period, they don't care if the person next to them does-- one of my longtime students was the most frustrated, but after a while of softening into the idea that his body knew what to do-- he exlaimed--"Jen, my body is amazing, I can feel that bone move in my leg--that's like bionic man kind of stuff."

My "Bionic Men" got it after about 35 minutes of warm ups, and their inner spirals and outer spirals were beautiful, one boy said, I don't think my leg has ever been this straight-- and another boy said, "Jen, throw down with me here, I'm taller from that right-- like 3 inches taller?"

Self Blessing

2009-05-26T21:48:00.000-07:00

The bud
stands for all things,
even for those things that don't flower
for everything flowers from within, of self blessing;
though sometimes it is necessary
to reteach a thing its lovliness,
to put a hand on the brow
of the flower,
and retell it in words and in touch
it is lovely
until it flowers again from within, of self blessing.
---Galway Kinnell

There is a sweetness that I'm drawn to in the kids that are in JDC, a sweetness that lies deep inside the layers of life that they have covered themselves with. To avoid feeling pain, they shut out crucial portions of their hearts, they allow the feeling parts of themselves to die and are left a shell, a broken shell---
but in yoga, we believe that a broken shell is what lets the light through--the light that allows for the remeberance of self blessing.

As humans, we are united in the search for happiness, which for these kids is a sense of belonging--in their request for separateness, is their scream for unity. If you look at them close enough--deep enough there is a scared, lonly, frail young heart--they have forgotten their self blessing. Yoga helps them remember that they make a difference everyday--

I went to Noah Maze's workshop this weekend, and he talked alot about reflection-- he is an amazing theme weaver--I mean amazing!! He talked of how interesting it is that in order to see ourselves we need to look at an inanimate object (mirror) and that as humans we rely on others to help us understand ourselves. My interpretation of this is that we are afraid to see what is inside, we are afraid of our greatness, and the kids I see, are afraid that they are worthy of good, of self blessing....when did their inner core of heart become broken-- It is easier to believe what others say, it gives us an out-- if we have to rely on others then the responsiblity of who we are is not our own.

As a young person, I lost the idea of self blessing, I searched through everyone to help me understand my self worth, and it worked for a while, but it was fake, I began searching for who I was, and what it was that I wanted to stand for. It was easier to become whoever someone wanted me to be--I was afraid of myself, what if I wasn't good enough, what if all the bad things that I thought of myself were true and everyone could see it--what if the layers of protection became cracked and I couldn't hold it together. And then it happened, I began to release the person that I tried to be and became the person I was-- this did not occur because of one person or thing, it happened because of a deep sense of wanting to stop the carousel--

I share a kinship with these kids, I really do, I see myself in them, and I see the lost girl I once was-- someday, they may look back and remember their yoga class, and the yoga will be the hand on their brow that allows them to remember their ability to hold onto their self blessing.

Bruno and Schmal

2009-05-03T17:03:00.000-07:00

I watched the movie "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas", on a recommendation from my very good friend Beth who is not only an inspirational World History teacher, but a beautiful yogi. She recommended this movie because she saw it and then showed it in her class at school. This amazing movie began with the quote: Childhood is measured out by sounds and smells and sights, before the dark hour of reason grows. John Betjeman.

This movie is a study in human nature, a study in perception, a study in perspectives, and a study in compassion-- The Buddha once stated that we live in between 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows, this movie allows you to remember that children have the purest perception, and this movie is a study in the above mentioned quote-- before the dark hour of reason grows.

I talked of this movie in the jail, I asked the kids if they remembered at what point in their lives, they changed from everything is bright, shiney, new and fun to life is crap and I must with every fiber of my being fight tooth and nail. The perspectives of these kids is truly remarkable, like Bruno the main character in the movie, every one of these kids began their childhood full of life, full of wonder, everyone want to be an explorer. One girl told me that it was her mom that changed her, it was her mom, who made her at 6 take care of her baby brother-- get up with him every night when he would cry and want a bottle-- another girl told me that she used to love to play with dolls any kind of doll, because all she wanted to do was be a mama--because at that moment in her life her mom was a superhero to her-- and then one day her mama drank too much and began to hit her for not cleaning the house the right way and get her up at 3 in the morning to clean the house--this beautiful flower told me that she would just wait 20 minutes cuz her mom would pass out and then she could go back to bed. Another girl said everything changed for her the day her new step-dad moved in and began "tucking" her in at night, it changed because when she told her mom, her mom said be a big girl and don't make trouble--I don't have to work anymore. Another girl said, I still play with dolls, I've cut their hair and painted them red with black eyeliner--it pisses off my parents--when I get out of here, I'm going to nail them to the wall of my room to remind me of how much of my childhood was so perfect.

My boys classes were mesmerized by the story of Bruno and his friend Schmal who would visit each other on the "farm". The boys related to each of the boys on a level that the girls would not let them get to. One boy stated, that when he was in kindergarten he would make friends in like 2 seconds, it didn't matter who they were or where he was, he could make a 1000 friends in one day--I guess at 6 no one picks on you for not being as smart as them or for not having the right clothes, at 6 you just want to play with a stick and be a Ninja Turtle. Another boy said, I remember playing with sticks, I used to love that, I could play with sticks for the whole day--wow I haven't thought about that for about 10 years. Another boy said, Jen, i remember the day the darkness of reason came to me.....my dad asked me to get him a beer, and I became smart enough to know that that meant that later, I would get my ass kicked for not going to bed on time, the thing is I was afraid because my dad smokes and at 7 I didn't know if he would fall asleep with the cigarette and kill us all--I don't think I slept that whole year--funny thing, I'm in here for stealing cigarettes, that's a perspective to ponder huh??

I see Bruno and Schmal in everyone of these kids, their eyes tell the same story of longing for friendship and longing for their parents acceptance. I see these kids long to be kids to stop growing up and have someone tell them it's going to be ok, deep down inside you are OK! On both days we had really quiet practices of rememberance--a rememberance of the kid like quality in everyone, and a rememberance of their deep radiance of heart.

As each one of the kids told their story, each story haunted me for days, is jail the right place for them....at what point do you stop punishing the child for the bad parenting they've recieved, at what point do you recognize that the parents of these kids who've allowed their children to be victimized and broken are the problem.

Thank you Beth for being my friend, and reminding me that everyday we have the ability to make a difference in the lives of those we come in contact with---every day we have the ability to see the good!!!

On my last day of teaching this week, on the shelf in the corner of the room was the movie "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas", as I showed it to the kids who are set to watch it over this weekend--I'm so excited to see what they thought, how they felt, and who they feel represents them and who they want to become after seeing this amazing movie.

Things overheard at JDC II

2009-04-16T14:37:00.000-07:00

The laundry room is connected to the "yoga room" by way of a door, therefore everything said in the laundry room before our class is heard by me setting up for yoga. This has been one of my greatest joys. Today, I found a few comments worth sharing--a few comments that I will keep to myself, and a few "out of the mouths of babes."

"Hey, today is Thursday, we get to go to Yoga--doesn't yoga make everything better."
"Yes" a voice replied--"before yoga, I didn't even know that I could --reach my heart higher--."
"I know, I like yoga because I can--finally breathe."

"So I hear there is yoga in here today--what the hell are we doing yoga for?"
"Because it helps you not be such an asshole--have you ever heard of halasana--when you're facing the tops of your knees--you learn that you can do anything." **my personal favorite--the fact that these kids can utter the words halasana and asshole in the same sentence is remarkable to me.

"I'm not telling the staff that I hurt my ankle in basketball because they will put me on no phys--and today is flying day-we are going to be crows or something,--do you think she is going to show us how to levitate-- I'm not missing that." **and he didn't, but he did tell me about his ankle-which he made me promise not to tell until the end of class so he could finish and not have to see the nurse until we were done. And no there was no levitation-but everyone of those boys got up in crow and rose to headstand so WOOOHOOOO~~!!!

So all in all, a good day, a very good day in JDC! I give thanks for every sweet word and for the opportunity to learn from these kids--I give thanks for my teachers for believing in me, and I give thanks to the beautiul hearts of these kids!!

A Gentle Sweet Man Named Buck

2009-04-02T21:23:00.000-07:00

There was a definate sweetness from the boys that was different from any other day--their sweetness came from their profound yoga experience Monday with Buck! Buck has a gentle demeener that is contagious and a sweetness that comes directly from his heart--this infectious quality rubs off on most students, but the boys (and girls) in JDC have not had many of these men in their lives--they have encountered angry dads, moms boyfriends, many of them who have not one ounce of gentleness in their hearts and when the boys come in contact with these sweet gentle kinds of men they drink them in like a cool glass of water on a hot summer day. The look that the boys get in the presence of this genuine heart is indescribable--the boys softened at the first word that Buck spoke, and it is a softening that starts at the top of their head and softens them to the bottoms of their feet--it is incredibley sweet and incredibly sad to watch them so hungry for someone too SEE them actually realize that someone does. Buck remembered some of the boys, he called them by name, and he might not know this, but that small gesture meant more to them than any other experience in their lives--someone saw them, and remebered them because of a positive action because of their beautiful yoga, not because they were the "bad kid, that kid, the throwaway kid."

The boys filed into class the last couple days still riding the high on their yoga class-ALL they could talk about was how good they felt afterward, and how everyone of them ( i have confirmation of this from the guards) everyone of them ate lunch after yoga and then slept until dinner at 6:00p--everyone of them explained how it was the best sleep they ever had. One boy said, he didn't even want to get out of his cell for dinner because he felt so good just laying there--clear.

One of the things that I love about when Buck comes to JDC, is that he is covered in tattoos--neck to feet--covered. And the boys today, asked one of the boys who was here the last time Buck came about how "bad ass" he must be--"Did he talk about why he had the tattoos?" They asked him, and the boy replied, " Yup, last time he was here, he said that each one had a special meaning--" With anticipation each one waited for the answer--and the boy said, "Each one meant that he got another tattoo, Buck is not like that, he doesn't have to wear his accomplishments of wrong on him." Each boy sat in contemplation--of what that actually meant, see these boys get tattoos for many reasons, some might be gang affiliation, some might be because of a memory, some might be because they hurt someone bad enough to actually make it into the gang, and some are homemade---just to show their parents that they don't have to abide by their rules--but today for the first time in their lives, they realized that they are more than their tattoos, they are just teenagers, who love their yoga practice, and who became a kula because Buck --the cool gentle man showed them that yoga is cool, and likeing it makes you a stronger man.

Buck is one of my heros, it takes a strong man to walk into the walls of the Juvenile Detention Center with strength and confidence and hold your own---teaching YOGA---I remember my first day, I was scared to death, I think back now and remember each boy and girl some I have seen once, some I've spent many days with and some who have made the decision to continue their life of crime, and some who in that decision ended up in the "big" jail because they turned 18 and are ADULTS now and because they spent most of their childhood inside the walls of the JDC continued their life of crime I belive because being outside the walls of a detention center was way more scary than returning.

Each of these kids, have good in them, I have seen it, and when Buck has come to the jail, we walk to our cars after our beautiful class, and he explains how he sees it too---I've seen their sweetness in thier eyes and I've felt them soften and open when someone actually listens to them.

Many teachers have come into my life in my 39 years-- I can say that I have had teachers who reminded me of my goodness and teachers who wanted me to remember that they were superior, and one old Lebanese man who every time he saw me asked me what 3 incredible things about myself I could tell him--even when I made a mistake, in the midst of a lecture, he would ask, " Jenifer tell me 3 incredible things about you today." I've thought of this man recently because I catch myself in the moments of not so pleasantness asking myself "tell me 3 incredible things"----it stuck with me, that small grain of teaching stuck with me, and healed me in ways that I believe brought me to yoga. As these boys live their lives, I hope one of the incredible things they come up when they least expect is is that they are worthy of greatness, they are worthy of feeling like a prince and they are worthy every good thing that enters their life---yoga opens the heart, yoga helps you remember your beauty and yoga reminds you everyday that you are worthy of your seat on your mat. Yoga on MOnday reminded these kids that they are beautiful and worth so much and for that I am thankful--so today I offer my practice to these kids, these silent warriors who love their yoga.

Girls Afterglow

2009-03-31T16:32:00.001-07:00

Another beautiful practice at JDC, the jail was generous enough to have Buck back for another 3 hour extravaganza!! It was really beautiful--we had approximately 42 ? students 32 boys and 10 girls. And each one of their bright beautiful faces had a great time. I taught the girls this morning, and for the first 25 minutes of the practice all they could talk about was how much fun they had, how they felt really strong today and how they felt "clear". One girl said, I know that if I could do that then I can do anything--I thought I would pass out dead after 3 hours, but I felt good." Another girl--who is pregnant, had her probation officer come to visit her during the practice, and she was mad because they came during the headstand portion and she had to miss it. Another girl, who is heavy and every pose is a struggle for her, said "Jen, Buck noticed us girls in the middle of all those boys, he noticed that we take this seriously, and it's not a joke--I think the staff noticed too--this is an important thing to us--yoga is all we have that is just for us, you don't want anything--like some of the other programs who bring in chips and soda to bribe us into going--yoga is all about us. And he said that my pose, the wide legged one (uptavishta konasana) was one of the best he's seen--he said that and you know, I think it was. "

WOW! There is a quiet confidence that builds in the hearts of people who are students of yoga--a confidence that resonates into their life. These girls have had rough lives, I mean they are 10-17 and their hearts have been filled with fear and low self esteem, to see them light up from the inside out when they talk about their yoga practice, their poses, and their ability to feel the changes of positivity shining from them is such a gift to themselves.

A Family Visit

2009-03-17T16:00:00.000-07:00

As I arrived at the jail this morning, one of the guards pulled me aside and told me that she had been waiting for me to come in to tell me about one of the kids visits with their parents over the weekend.

She continued to explain how one of my boys, spent the entire visit showing his parents how the Sun Salutations go and how to do Tree pose and talked about he loved it in Yoga! How all the boys, even the bigger boys help him out and that they are all friends because of the Yoga Lady---he also explained to his parents that it's better in jail now, he fits in with the yoga kids and so it's ok if he has to stay for a while.

The Power of Yoga!

Yoga Groupies

2009-03-10T15:32:00.001-07:00

In jail, there have become yoga groupies---these are the kids who need to place themselves in the front row, get as close to my mat as they can, and ask me repeatedly "Jen is this what you mean?" I have to admit, these beauties are why I am teaching in jail--these kids would never have taken a yoga class, ever in their life, and now the minute they enter the room, they do as many poses as they have worked on in the last hours before I arrived. The boys are working on sitting float throughs--poses that were taught to them by my friend Buck, who is coming back for an encore performance March 30--the kids cannot wait. In anticipation of Bucks arrival, I have decided to teach the boys how to count in Sanskrit--the movements to the Sun Sals that Buck uses as a surprise for him when he comes--I didn't know how this would go, but I have to tell you, the boys this morning went crazy for it--they want a sheet with the poses and the names so they can practice when I'm not there--they want to be perfect in their yoga. I wonder in their excitement for perfection, are they forgetting the best part of yoga--the movement of the body aligned with breath--and then I remember what John Friend says-"People should feel better about themselves when they leave the mat." And I am proud of them to take on this crazy yoga thing, as they used to call it-

Today 'Big Man' as he likes to be called, noticed that we had 8 newcomers in class--Big Man and Big Man 2 are yoga groupies--realistically they are my protectors in yoga. Big Man 2 reminds me of Ganesha-he is really young, playful and is constantly wanting my attention--he also guards my mat (with a vengence) so no one steps on it with their shoes. He is small, but mighty and wants to do as much if not more than the big kids--he couldn't wait to show me his siting float through deal today--he explained he had been working on it all weekend and couldn't wait for me to come in. At the beginning of class, I always review for the new comers--Big Man reviews the "Yoga Rules" of Jail--and they go like this: You may think this is just for chicks--wait , Don't talk the entire time you'll ruin my yoga experience, Try all you have to do is try and you will find there is more to you than this place. I get very emotional at his speech, I've heard it for 6 months everyday we are together and every time it gets me--he is a silent warrior--Big Man has taken to protecting Big Man 2--and they work well together in an odd couple sort of way--Big Man has a caring heart--one that no one thought was there, but in the yoga we saw it--he also helps the new kids, when there are 18 boys 8 of them new I have to keep eagle vision in the room, and Big Man he walks to the back row---the fish row--fish is a term used in JDC for new kid and they always sit in the back. He will tell them about their feet, that it's ok to take off their socks and that if you ruin his yoga experience--he will have me do dog/planks. Down Dog to Plank vinyasa has become the "punishment pose" of JDC, they do not like to do them, and if the kids stop listening to me and get crazy well it helps them focus. And you would be stunned to see how strong these kids have become--when they find their tricep muscle after 10 dog/planks they forget it was punishement and want to do more--I have to admit, that usually they stop because I can't keep up ;)

These Yoga Groupies have become a huge reason that this program works in this facility--they believe it--and because they are the toughest kids in the jail, the other kids follow and try so hard to be impressive. I am so grateful for their silent leadership--I am so grateful to have this opportunity to learn from some great teachers. These kids each one is a part of me and because of them and their ability to learn they are making me a better teacher.

The Voice in Your Head

2009-03-05T15:19:00.000-08:00

Have you ever noticed that you have a constant roomate--giving you a narative of your life everyday all day long? Well if you haven't --you just noticed it because it said to you--"voice, I don't have a voice--what the hell is she talking about?" Yep we all have it---I've recently been pondering how and when this voice became part of our everyday life--my results are that when we were young, really young we used our brain to learn, soak up, and understand our surroundings--we used our brain to assimilate when we cried our mother would come to soothe us. As we became older and moved into adolescents our brain began to narrate our life--if we walked outside, the little voice would say, it's cold--better put on a coat, or it's hot better take off the coat--and as we moved more through life, this little voice began to rationalize decisions for ourselves--"Cake, you can't have cake, you have a date on Friday and you want to fit in those jeans." And so the voice has made the rationalization that it has more power over our life than we do. I know, the question is, where does yoga come in---well today we explored this exact theme in JDC, the adolescent girls knew the voice, they knew the voice well. It's funny when you think about it because really we live with this constant chatter in our brain, narrative, and a form of torturous rationalization.

One of the girls today said that her voice is constantly reminding her of her faults, constantly giving herself negative feedback so that if something good happens she can immediately find the fault and not be set up for good in her life----Another girl agreed, and said, I knew what I had done was wrong, but I didn't care--no one cares about me, so therefore I don't care about myself--the voice in my head reminds me constantly how bad I am, how many bad decisions I've made, that I'm not worthy of making a good decision. And yet another beauty said, you mean like the movie Drop Dead Fred--like that----At this point, I realized that I was treading in some serious "psycho-analization" the waters that are waaaayyyy over my head--so I brought the theme around to yoga and the breath. Yoga and the breath takes your voice out of your head--concentration of breathing and moving allows the mind to start to settle--we did some simple pranayama--I wanted the girls to feel their mind settle--before they knew it they had sat for 5 minutes still and breathing--as they returned to natural breath and opened their eyes--one of the girls said, wow that is like smoking pot--ummmm not really what I was going for but yeah I guess it kind of is. She said I feel so mellow--we moved through the poses and ended with another pranayama and moved into savasana--where the girls for the first time, did not fidget--as we ended the class one girl said, it's gone the voice is gone--i'm really still. As we ended and it came time to take the practice off the mat, I encouraged them to listen to the voice, but to only allow positive talk--when the negative comes out, to return to their breath and see if this weekend they find a little difference---we'll see how it goes, I think I'll take my own teaching and see if I can also turn the negative into positive affirmations and gratitude and remember that returning to the breath allows for a brightness to shine forth.

Little Balls of Potential

2009-02-17T15:45:00.001-08:00

The funny thing about blogging, is the realization that someone other than yourself reads it. I had such that revelation today--and in the revelation came a sort of panic of responsibility--the responsiblity that I have not blogged in over 14 days. I have always been a quantity over quality kind of girl--the more shoes the better, the more the more the more---but in the last year I have really cherished spending time with other people's blogs and find that when there is nothing to say, there really is nothing to say and that it ok--even in the blog world. The classes at the jail have been really good, really grounding and the kids have been responsding well--the bleak winter of North Idaho, has begun to allow a few breaks of sun and that in itself transforms the soul.

Our practice this week focuses on Living Skillfully--we are reveiwing the basic poses and building them from the ground up--working on the fundamentals of Anusara--Open to Grace, Hug into the best part of yourself, and then allow the beauty to extend through you --a sub theme is to remember that we are all alive, we all share a common thread of conciousness--yet in that commonality three is differences that make each of us beautiful. The girls responded well, they are so open in JDC, it is really amazing--part of it is I believe is that there is no regular clothes there, they are all in "scrubs" and there is no make-up and no hair products--- in a sense stripped down to their raw states and that allows their True Self to shine forward, there is really nothing to hide behind.

I reference a lot the book, "Yoga from the Inside Out", by Christina Sell--who I have to say is one of the greatest teachers I have ever been taught by--she weaves theme and honor of yourself in a way that is magical to all students. I read from her book of how many women struggle with being in their own skin, how many women late in life find yoga out of survival and I referenced the girls in JDC, who have been given yoga as a gift--the girls these last weeks have been very receptive of these teachings. There is something bigger at work, and I am humbled to be the vessle from which they are allowing their True Self to emerge.

Jail has a heirarchy, and these last weeks, the high priestesses of negativity have gone, and there are beautiful girls taking the classes. As I write this I am reminded of my teacher's son's blog from India, (elifrankovich.blogspot.com), where he and his mother went to an orphanage, and he said, "They are all terribly sick in some way or another. Their lives are already harder than most. And then, on top of it all, they have no mamas. They don't have anyone to hold them. They don't have anyone to love them more than anything else in the world." The girls in JDC are living a life that in many ways has been laid out for them, it is very easy to get sucked into the idea that there is no hope for them, because they too have no mama's, at least not attentive ones, and they belive that the only person who can love them more than anything else in this world is a boy--good or bad for them, doesn't matter, there only pre-requisite is that he has a penis. That is how their mother's lived, and that is what they know. The teaching of loving yourself is exceptionally difficult to give them, as the walls of their hearts are so thick. When something good happens they don't fully enjoy it because they know it won't last, they become negative, they become mean, they become protectors of their hearts. It's funny how in the Yoga room, their guard is down, I would love to meet the one person in their lives who has shown these beautiful girls that they are beautiful with no strings--and then I realize that in teaching the Yoga I am reminded that we are all derived from the same Source so of course even in the turmoil that is life, we can be reminded and hold onto the fact that we are all essential, we are all little balls of potential--from one comes the many.

Buckets of Samastitihi

2009-01-29T16:05:00.000-08:00

We talked today of buckets, and how each of us has an one- an invisible bucket that we either fill up or empty out each day, and with that bucket we also have an invisible dipper by which we either fill or remove from ours and others buckets. In the book, "How full is your bucket?" I read to the boys class about how Korean POW's were treated and how many of them endured the worst torture--torture of the soul--In the Korean war, the American soldiers did not endure tortures of recent wars, no bamboo under the fingernails, no electricity to the body for information, instead, the Koreans made the Americans stand up in a room full of peers and confess their secrets good and bad, and in the confession they were forced to also tell of times where the soldiers could have done the right thing but didn't----this torture broke these American soldiers and many after this kind of "group" would go into their huts cover themselves with blankets and die--The soldiers were not held by barbed wire, or razor wire, they could come and go freely, but they became imprisoned in their minds--they lost all hope and settled into the idea that they were worthless and not even worthy of life--The boys found this fascinating, and we talked about how the soldiers buckets were empty--literally bone dry--they felt no hope for anything better. One of the silent warriors in the classroom said, that last week, he was being put into "holding"--solitary--for his aggressive actions towards kids and guards, and that he was so worked up he had to be restrained, but one of the boys from the yoga class yelled out to him from his cell--Samastitihi--and in that reference the silent warrior calmed down--he said it was because he did not feel alone--he felt a connection and knew that if he calmed down that it would be ok. Samastitihi has become the battle cry for the warriors, since Buck came to JDC and we worked for weeks prior to his arrival on Sun Sal A and B--when I would say come to Samastitihi the boys would repeat it back to me, all at once and in battle cry voices, this sweet yoga saying has become their center, their place of rememberance that they are worthy of more that what their lives have been, and in rememberance they know that in that moment they can take themselves back to a better time and calm down. Unlike the Korean Soldiers they have a blossoming in their hearts that reminds them they are ALL worthy of greatness, they are all Silent Warriors with Samastitihi carved in their shields. We worked on breath, and the importance of rememberance in class--and the boys had a great time--too much fun, but my most prized students were leaveing our yoga class to go into intensive treatment in Southern Idaho where there is no Yoga so I let it get a little crazy--for the first time, they were having fun with the yoga--one of the beauties got up into handstand for the first time in the middle of the room--unassisted and he was so proud, one of the boys did a full Urdva for the first time, and he was very emotional, and one of the boys, the leader, the rock of our yoga program, did Scorpion on his own, with proud shoulderblades and a soft heart--so in the end, the breathing and the rememberance filled the buckets of the boys and to the Silent Warriors leaving for Boise, I wish them a vibrant body, sharp mind and soft heart and many many moments of Samastitihi!

Farts

2009-01-19T11:47:00.000-08:00

It was a foggy gloomy day in Coeur d'Alene, the fog hung like a blanket over the city--as if to say to you--no don't get up sleep, sleep and don't worry everything is going to be fine. It's one of those days where you pull out old black and white movies, snuggle into your most favored and rattiest sweats and curl up on the coach for a day of blissfull stillness. I had planned a restorative for the boys class on Thursday--restorative class for the boys is their hardest class, they do not like it, they fight me the entire hour, and they joke, incessently about anything, they fart--yep that's right fart big loud stinky farts to try and sway me from the restorative practice, but today I was prepared, I knew that with the blanket of sweet stillness surrounding the city they would not want anything but to lay on thier mats retorative poses comencing and eye pillows stilling them. I was happy to bring them stillness, I had made a special playlist--I was prepared, I placed Vicks under my nose--their farts would not get to me, not today ;)!

I laid out the mats--placed the eye pillows on the mats, and began the soft harmonious music that was to relax the little sweeties into their blissful restorative states. I could hear them coming down the hall, their moods were not restorative, they were boistrous, excited, and generally worked up--as they came in, they heard the music, they knew--I got the "look" from one of my senior students, as if to say, "I'm warning you, this is not going to work this time." I stayed on my mat, winked and smiled. All 16 boys were filed in, sitting on their mats, waiting for my theme and then in walked a boy with a pink mohawk, a tough, new boy who obviously was having a hard time, (two guards brought him in). Because he was the last one, he got the honor of sitting in the front row--right in front of me--Good I thought, he will have my attention, and be able to focus on the teacher not the other students--perfect!

The theme was Compassion towards suffering--little did I know how much of that compassion was to be......we moved through Sun Sals to get the body moving prior to restoratives, they were slow beautiful sun sals, the boys did great--really beautiful, followed their breath, hearts shining--it was amazing, as we moved into child's pose--------a fart------------and another fart-----------and another fart----------and another fart-----------and soon the room was filled with the beautiful aroma of boys--the guard couldn't take it, I on the other hand was prepared with Vicks--nothing can get through that wall of protection....we moved into forward bends preparing the body for the stillness to come--yep you guessed it it was a fart extravaganza--the guard was hysterical at how I was oblivious, she opened the door, she stood outside and looked in.....finally a beautiful Savasana our Yoga room also had a blanket of stillness over it, a thick smelly, not so snuggly blanket--and then it happened, they settled in and the farts disappeared, and they released themselves onto the mat...no more farting....just breathing, as I rang the bells the boys sat up, my senior student gave me the wink and smile and they all went back to their rooms--the guard go the lysol and all was right with the world of JDC.

Gratitude

2009-01-15T15:23:00.000-08:00

Yoga this week was a roller coaster of emotion--on Tuesday as I arrived at the jail I was greeted by the sweetest guard who looked me dead in th eye and said, "Don't worry about the screaming--eveything is fine." This sentence even as I'm writing it does sound a bit weird, scary and well downright Guantanamo Bay, but in the year I have been teaching, I just picked up my mat, and said "Lead on! Will this girl be in my class, will I need to have extra mats?"

As we walked to the Yoga Room, the eye piercing screams from a hoarse girl--who had been screaming most of the night rang through the hallway. In the cement walls of the JDC, the screaming was unimaginable. As I was setting up a dull thumping was coming from the room that held the screaming--as I turned, the guards were going in to try and "talk her down" from her manic state, as they did she hurled herself towards the door of her cell--which she did several times, 4 guards tried to help this poor kid, and finally the 4 guards won--which when you see this kind of stuff on TV, you think my gosh, how could someone treat someone likethat, and in real life as it is unfolding around me all I could think of what get in there and help her--the guards were amazing and did an incredible job of not including the other kids and keeping her safe and eveyone esle, I have to say that there may be bad institutions but this one is not and that is due to the staff. It turns out that this girl believed that she was God, she was actually in such a manic state, that she was receiting scripture in tongues that could save us all---in some way, my mind wandered to--what if she is, we are all Divine at our core I believe that , how do we know that she's not--what if this time, the Messiah was being restrained and that would be it--the end of the world. I was snapped back to the Yoga Room by the rest of the girls entering.

As the girls came into class, which because of this incident was 45 mintues late--which means our class was 15 mintues the girls were in really good moods, I mean really good--their cells were 5 feet away from this screaming, they had heard it all night and I could not believe they were not affected by this. We talked a little and one girl said, "Jen, we all get crazy in here, some of us think we are God, some of us come to Yoga and remember that we are full of inner goodness like you say, but none the less we all get crazy--thank you for staying, we were afraid you would leave."

All we did Tuesday was sit and talk about our theme of Gratitude, and it hit me--The Goddess of Sequencing is present, because gratitude was definatly in the hearts of these girls-grateful for not being the screaming girl in the cell, grateful for being able to spend even 15 mintues in Yoga, and greatful because they had a visit from the crazy yoga lady who did not get scared and leave. There is a calmness in the midst of the crazy in JDC, Yoga is present, Yoga is working and maybe someday when they least expect it, Yoga will reenter their lives and they will remember that at their core, they are Divine and full of inner goodness.

Seat of the Teacher

2009-01-08T14:03:00.000-08:00

Many times during my life, I have been accused of being overly exuberant, overly excited, and just plain asked, "Are you sure you don't have ADHD?" I tend to be that person who is ready for anything, and when taking on a project, I jump in with two feet, both hands, and usually go head first. Yoga has helped me with this, and my teacher Karen, who is enjoying two months in India jokes with me alot about how she is the string to my kite--she guides me and keeps me from flying off into the wild blue yonder. See I get this "ideas", and because of my drive and past type "A" mentality, my ideas come to fruition, most times for good, like helping to bring the yoga progam to the kids that I adore in jail---sometimes it should be stopped, like when a couple kids came to me and said, "Jen, we want to teach a Sun Sal that we have been trying." In the excitement of the fact that the kids wanted to take on such task, I (jumping with my entire body) said, "Well sure, as long as you take it seriously, and before you teach the class, honor the yoga by bringing in why you picked these poses to add to your Sun Sal." I have to admit, as I was growing up, I was told many times that "you're not able to do that", "what would give you that idea", "are you kidding me--what kind of pie in the sky crazy are you talking." So to say that I am sensitive to people's ideas and beliefs in thier efforts is an understatement. I believe that given enough of a chance--every single person if they come from the place in their heart where the best part of themselves lie--will do good with their life.

As we began practice, there was a different vibe in the jail--we have had 95 inches of snow here in the last month--there was Christmas break and then a week without school because of collapsing danger from the roofs--to say that these kids were restless is like saying a grizzly bear might have a little anger if you poke it with a stick. They were unbelieveable--when there is no school there is nothing for them to do--nothing--but sit in their cells and read, or do yoga or meditate--which for a 12-18 year old kid cannot be done 12 hours per day for 21 days straight. They walked into class and they were --WOW--like they had been sitting in their cells for 3 weeks with nothing to do but read and get mad. I had this voice--Karen would call it the voice of the Goddess of Sequencing--telling me, just teach the class--be the teacher, hold the seat--have a strong practice and get them sweating--breathing, opening, clearing the pathways for their breath--but being me, I plowed forward with my promise that the Sun Sals could be done. The boys were ready, and as the first one took his "seat"-- he explained his Sun Sal and how he has had time to work on it--and then he froze--all those eyes looking at him. The eyes of the boys who thought it was "girly" of him to try and the eyes that looked at me like 'I told you so--this would never work." I could feel it coming, this boy had the fight or flight look on his face, and as the room became smaller all he wanted to do was fly--out of that room--I realized at that moment how important the seat of the teacher is. How being a "teacher" is so much more than calling poses and talking about opening your heart. Being a teacher we hold the coveted responsibility of being the "tour guide" on the yoga journey---we must understand that our seat has been held by many teachers before us--we are not doing anything different than our yoga ancestors were--we are giving our students the ability to aleviate suffering--we are giving out students the ability to know it's ok to shine out from the best part of themselves. The best part of being a yoga teacher, is when the students get the realizeation that they are born of sweetness and that it is safe to live from the best part of themelves. When they soften enough to remember their heart and lead with it during class, it moves me to my core, and to think that I caused suffering to my students who trust me to hold them in a place of love--kills me.

Thanking this brave soul--he thanked me, and asked if he could do it again--WHAT??!! even though it was hard, even though he wanted to run, the pull of yoga on his heart was stronger and he wanted to do it again--maybe that is where the seat of the teacher takes over--maybe that is where the yoga we have worked has instilled the self confidence--maybe next time the boys will be more generous with their thoughts.....maybe next time....maybe next time....

I love that in JDC, we have a next time!

Kind of Like the Yoga

2008-12-31T09:42:00.000-08:00

There was a new attention to the boys in yoga class today, they were renewed by the Saturday class with Buck. There were 20 in today's class, all of whom were at Saturday's class..this was really the first time I got to talk with them about the class because after our practice Saturday they were whisked away to get ready for their lunch. The boys were sparkly today as we spoke about yoga, and how "bad(meaning good) and cool" Buck was to come on his birthday to spend time with them.

One of the boys said, "Jen, Buck didn't talk alot about shoulders on the back, or drop your shoulders in your back pocket--he said heart forward, is that the same thing?" I love how the boys who have been doing Anusara for most of their time, noticed that even though the styles of Ashtanga and Anusara are different, they are very similar--so we talked about how a tree which comes from the same seed can have many branches and how awesome it was for the boys to see the similarities and differences that make each practice great.

Today on New Years Eve I was brought again to tears as the boys said, "that was awesome to see someone besides you who loves yoga as much as you--and didn't talk down to us, like we were nothing." I responded with a reverent, "None of you are nothing, no matter what you have done, each of you is a gift--and with every breath you are able to share your heart with others." It was funny, because in the middle of my ranting about how great everyone is, one of the boys said, " It's the heart talk--she always goes with the heart talk." This was exceptionally funny because my 19 year old daughter on many occasions, has reminded me of the same thing---I always go for the "heart lecture." The boys laughed but they all know that each of them is something special--and no matter what they are worthy of being shown goodness.

The self confidence that comes from a strong steady practice, is growing in these kids, knowing that they have the strength to overcome anything in their way is the power of Yoga at work.

Karen, my teacher has been talking lately about Sutra 1.33 which in a nutshell is the four noble virtures:

Maitri -Friendliness towards the presence of happiness (in yourself or in another)
Karuna - Compassion towards the presence of suffering (your own or anothers')
Mudita - Celebration and a congratulatory joy in the presence of success and goodness (yours' or anyone's)
Uppeksha - Equanimity when in the presence of wrongdoing and vice (yours or another's)

I would say that if I had to pick one that was displayed today it was Mudita, the celebration and congratulatory joy in the presence of success and goodness--each of these kids who come from some of the worst homes and enviornments imaginable even without fully understanding what Noble Virtues means showed such a celebration of joy for the Yoga today--without even having to be told Mudita is in them, as if they were born with it, and it took a 3 hour Yoga workshop to start to crack open the shell. I love the idea of knowing that at birth we are given the gift of the 4 Noble Virtues, and that slowly of a long period time with devotion, we find inside ourselves the ability to truly hold onto that which has always been ours--kind of like the Yoga.

Three Hour Yoga Extravaganza!

2008-12-27T18:34:00.000-08:00

I've been staring at this blank page for an hour going over everything that happened this morning in the first ever 3 hour Yoga class with both boys and girls. To say that Buck is a shining star of yoga is an understatement, to say that the kids hung on every word of every instruction is not even a description of the depth of what was going on, to say that each of the kids did some of the most amazing yoga I've ever seen would not even paint a picture, so I sit here and replay the most amazing day I've ever experienced. I am feeling blessed to have had Buck who is the only person besides my glorious teacher Karen who has had the opportunity to share in the energy and the beauty of yoga in JDC.

We started with all of the kids coming into the gym-- there was 29 kids and one staff member, two guards for our protection :) (which between you and I we totally do not need). The kids were so excited you could feel them before they came into the room--they filed onto their mats, the front row filled with the long term boys, the most dedicated of the students, and one boy who has told me he hated me every time he saw me--the same boy who told me that being a Hindu is worshiping the devil and the very same boy, who was not giving up his front row mat for anything. The girls were in the back row, there was 4 of them, one pregnant girl, one girl who laid down the entire time and two dedicated girls who rocked it with the female staff member. We began with our centering and rememberance of ego vs intelligence, and then I introduced Buck and he took over like he had been teaching there forever, he held each of the kids from the very first word--and when it was time to stand in Samastitihi, and the words came out of his mouth, the kids every one repeated it back to him---after every time he said it---it was awesome!! Yes, to answer the question, I cried--three times, at the magnificence of the moments that were shared between Buck and the kids and between the kids and themselves. Buck took the kids through the Ashtanga Primary Series, which the kids did beautifully, with an open heart and the strength of the silent warriors that they are. The front row was indescribable at their attention to their poses and the attention to the teacher--they were unwavering at their learning of some of the harder poses, and they were supportive of each other and the accomplishments that they each made even if they themselves could not get into the pose. WOW! To see them be supportive of each other when they themselves have had a life of not being supported was a testiment to the power of yoga. They worked, hard on the Sun Sals, Buck broke them down and the kids did the arm balance floaty deal that Ashtanga is famous for, the floaty thing that is so impressive to see, and the floaty thing that I secretly hope that the person next to me is not going to do the ENTIRE class through every vinyasa :)----ok I digress.

The staff told me that some of these kids have been practicing in their cells up to 3 hours per day in getting ready for our 3 hour Yoga Extravaganza--it showed, they are strong, they were ready, and I hope that someday I will be able to show my gratitude to the staff at JDC because the magic that was happening on this day was incredible.

The kids moved through the Primary series, and we finished with Savasana, they were still, so still and it happened, the breath--the room was being breathed as each kiddo's inhale and exhale was in unison. At the end, we left question time for Buck, kids asked about yoga, how long had he been practicing, about teachers, and a few very few questions about tattooing---it was beautiful. One of the boys, said, "are you going to come back?" That's all that needed to be said at how the kids feel about yoga--even the toughest kids get into it and it opens them so much that their hearts radiate literally radiate and fill the room with beauty.

As Buck and I parted ways I thanked him for his help, we hugged, and a kinship grew between us because of these kids--we know what amazing things happened today, we will always share that with not only each other but with each kid and staff member. Buck has my gratitude, and I am in awe of his ability to teach--not just show but teach each pose with humility and grace.

Teaching yoga to me is an act of being in service to your students--you have the highest level of responsiblity to the teachings and to your students, as teachers you honor the lineage of yoga through your teaching--teaching these kids is a gift, a blessing beyond words. I am filled with gratitude for the teachings of yoga, for the beauty of the kids and for my new friend Buck, who I know will make another trip to JDC to show those crazy arm balances -- I'll finish with a poem that I love that sums up today:

At night, I have a habit
At night, I remember every student I have taught that day,
I remember them and draw their heart like mine and mine like theirs.

Thank you to the students of JDC for giving me the opportunity to be in service to yoga.

Perfect Christmas!

2008-12-25T19:58:00.001-08:00

As a kid I loved Christmas morning, the orgy of gift giving was in full swing, my grandmother who is an angel made ravioli's by hand and sauce that is to die for--there was always family around, lots of family, lots of pie, these incredible lace like cookies that were deep fried and dipped in powdered sugar--hello what is better than anything deep fried and dipped in powdered sugar ummmm nothing. As I walked into the jail this morning, I knew that the boys were waiting for me, they told me all week how they are excited for yoga today because of Christmas and because they are looking forward to our big Saturday 3 hour yoga extravaganza with special guest Buck the stud of Ashtanga from across the border in Washington. We worked today on Crane to Headstand to Crane--which turned into a "I can hold headstand for 10 minutes contest"--which turned into can you do crane to handstand to headstand to crane--which is where I stopped the insanity. We worked on full backbend--which the boys love that I cannot do--because they can, and one of the boys today, who is soft spoken and amazing, did the most amazing backbend I have ever seen, as you know I love Anusara Yoga, and the poster boy Darren Rhodes does a backbend of brilliance, but today, this backbend with full extension, and open heart, brought me to tears--it was beautiful!!!! So all in all, great Christmas, no gifts giving orgy, but a room full of vibrant bodies, open hearts, and bright minds--what I would call a perfect day!

Surrender

2008-12-20T08:39:00.001-08:00

It's official on Dec 27, the very generous staff at the JDC is allowing the first ever 3 hour yoga extravaganza! My fellow teacher Buck from just across the border in Washington is going to put on a Ashtanga class for the entire population and about 6 staff. Because of this phenomenon we have been working the Ashtanga Primary Series to get the kids familiar with the verbage and the vinyasa--WOW! The boys are LOVING it--the boys are so excited that they asked for the primary series first three sheets so that they could be ready when Buck comes. I explained that the yoga is different than Anusara, but that it comes from the same roots and that because they have been so aligned with Grace for so long that they will find it not only enjoyable, but extremely fun and challenging. The Shakti energy in the room was pulsating for sure on Friday--the boys had no school because of the 36 inches of snow that we received in 24 hours so I could stay a little longer, they wanted to go through the Sun Sals about 50 times--they loved the idea of "floating" from Chaturanga to Utanasana--which I could explain but not do--which they loved because they could do it but not explain it and to them it was like opening a part of themselves that they never knew. It can only be explained like a kid who gets his first bike, and starts with traning wheels and is happy to ride, the freedom it gives---but then when the training wheels come off --look out--because that kid for that moment can conquer the world, and that is what the boys looked like. It was as if the floating opened up to them something that was trapped inside, they wanted to work on it for an hour--but we worked on it in combination with many standing poses and seated poses and then when it was time for Savasana, they were ready and it happened--their breath was completely in sync with each other , the rise and fall of their chests were exactly the same--each of them being breathed by something bigger than themselves and being still--the boys were so still Friday morning. When they are still, they are confident, they are not afraid to let their guard down and fully immerse themselves in Savasana, it's a phenomenon for sure--Savasana in JDC is usually filled with fidgeting, I believe this is because when that first layer of protection around the heart is loosened, we begin to feel and look at ourselves, and that can be a very scary place for some, so the figeting is to keep that layer around the heart sustained, in tact. But Friday, there was no fidgeting, they were proud of themselves, and that pride in themselves allowed for it to be easier to sit with themselves in stillness and with their breath. That moment in Savasana is why I love to teach yoga, because I know what it feels like to want to hold onto that protection, and the minute you surrender into Savasana and release it, it's scary--but the one time that you completely give yourself to the pose, it is so peaceful and the stillness wraps you in a warm blanket and you are there with yourself in the joyous bliss of knowing that you are ok, you are worth every breath, and you make a difference in the lives of everyone around you.

The Visitor

2008-12-12T18:12:00.000-08:00

There are many times that I "forget" that when I'm teaching at JDC, that I'm actually TEACHING AT JDC---the room that we occupy when it is filled with kids transforms from the training room to a real sanctuary of sweetness. There are times, more than I would like to admit where my mouth speaks before my brain can stop me.....Thursday was one of those times, and as the boys were filing in to their mats, I asked "so is everyone excited for Christmas"--as I realized what I had said and began to feel myself shrink into the carpet--one of the kids said yeah I'm excited, and the other boys said they were excited, and I could not wait to hear what was all the excitement--did the jail stop serving bologna sandwiches on Christmas--did the gluteous oatmeal morf into some kind of special Christmas breakfast--what could be so exciting. One of the boys said, we get a visitor on Christmas--the words I AM AN IDIOT clanging in my head--"Cool I responded, who are you most excited to see?" And without hesitation, the one boy who felt that yoga was for girls in the beginning and is now so incredible at the poses and helps me so much to keep the boys focused on the theme--said "the person who visits us all the time." I was excited that the boys could see their families, I can not imaging how hard it would be without them.............and then another boy said, "Don't you want to know who comes to see us all the time?" Feeling like I was the only one in the room, not getting the joke--everyone of the boys everyone, looked me dead in the eye and said "YOU!" Half of the boys in the room told me right there that I have been their only visitor. And it happened, I completely lost it and tears streamed down my face--I never thought of myself as a visitor, I mean I'm the yoga teacher, half the time, I'm convinced that they would be happy to be out of their cell if they were learning poetry, but a visitor--that's big time in jail. The boys told me that in the 8 months that a few have them have been in jail, I've been the only person to see them and that coming every week has made it so that it's like a visit--"we hang".

Could it be that all this time, I have missed what was going on with the yoga--yes they are getting a yoga class, but it has morphed into something so much more than class, the boys know that every week without fail and irregardless of holidays that someone is going to be there to spend time with them and be genuinly concerned for how they are doing.

WOW! and I still sit here, one day later and feel WOW! I could not express to the boys how much these classes mean to me--I mean imagine doing something wrong, and being tossed aside like a piece of garbage--just waiting to get out and having no one NO ONE come and tell you that they are thinking of you. I believe that the reason these boys end up lifetime criminals is because the jail becomes their family-they do not know any different, and that they are the safest when they feel they are home in their cell with their metal bed and orange flip flop shoes. All I've thought about since Thursday is how can this be happening --how can we allow these kids to feel like they don't even warrant a visit from thier family--their family the one place that they should feel protected and to feel more secure in jail is really hard to understand.

As I write this it hits me and I wonder how many times we as yoga practioners allow the visitor of Yoga to enter our hearts. I don't mean, go to class and do the asana, I mean allow the visitor of Yoga to enter the cave of our heart and spend time with us. There are times, when the yoga just feels soooo good that you never want it to end, and that is when the Yoga enters your heart. When the breath and the movement flow together and there you are with your visitor sharing one breath, one movement, one heart.

Things overheard at JDC

2008-12-02T22:03:00.000-08:00

When I get to the jail, there is a lot going on--kids coming from and going to breakfast for those of you who have never been to jail-breakfast is a glutenous mass of oatmeal, powdered eggs, and toast---yummmm a virtual buffet of gluten ;( and people wonder why kids are overweight. Anyway, that is a post for another time--not only are kids going to and coming from breakfast, but they are also folding laundry in the room directly connected to the Yoga Room and I can hear all that goes on--normally it is who is in love with who, how many green towels they have folded etc. but today it was an awesome conversation between two of the girls who have been coming to yoga and a new guard. Sumed up --here is the conversation:

New Guard--"So why do you want to go to yoga?"

One of the girls--" Because yoga breath is the best."

New Guard--"What?"

The other girl--"Yoga breath is when you are in the yoga--like in yourself--knowing that right there in the yoga you can do anything..............."

New Guard--Nothing

One of the girls--"When I can't sleep I do the yoga breathing and fall asleep and don't wake up--I love it"

The other girl--"You know what I do that too--huh I bet everyone does"

New Guard--"Is it that girl who just came in?" (I smile here because I am years away from being a "girl"

One of the girls--"Yep--want to come to class--she would let you...

New Guard--"Nope! She is too friendly for me"

One of the girls--"Whatever!"

Yep, Yoga is changing the kids, it is giving them coping skills that will last a lifetime--and in the yoga room alone, I cried---I cried because the lineage of Yoga is being carried on by these kids and these kids even in a small way will grow like lotus flowers out of the mud and bask in the sunshine!

Thanksgiving

2008-11-28T09:22:00.000-08:00

For those of you who read this blog, you understand how much I enjoy teaching the kids at JDC, you know that I believe in each kid that comes to my class, and you know that each of them, in my eyes is a beautiful flower. So it will be no surprise to you that the morning of Thanksgiving was spent with the boys of JDC. It was a class that from the minute I woke up, I could not wait to go to. In Wednesday's class, when the boys found out that I would teach on Thanksgiving, it was all they could talk about--most of the boys said that since their incarceration, only their public defender and myself have been their visitors. My class plan was to have a fun gratitude filled class--we did the Metta Meditation on Wednesday and I felt it would lose it's potency if we did it two days in a row. As the boys came in, everyone one of them with a smile on their face, my vessel of gratitude was overflowing--each one of them were glowing--they were happy to be in class. As I started the class one of the boys asked if we were going to do the same thing as yesterday, I asked what he meant, and he said that he wanted to do the meditation again, and that he had been doing it in his cell--in fact that is how he fell asleep last night to the words of the meditation--"May I be happy, May I be peaceful, May I be free from harm." I looked around the room, and each boy was nodding in unison--I was in a state of shock, where I felt the moments of looking around the room were hours and everything was in slow motion. Each boy in that room, told me in that moment that they had all thought about the meditation--and so yes on the day of Thanksgiving, did it again, and today there was a blanket of gratitude and love that wrapped each boy because they opened their hearts to know that in this moment, right here on the mat, they are deserving of happiness, peace, and the ability to be free from harm. We moved through the meditation, slowly giving each boy enough time to really call to mind each person--and then it happened, as it does when the boys are really focusing, every boy in that room was on the same breath rythm--their inhales matched perfectly, their exhales matched perfectly it was Grace moving through that room and through each beautiful boy. Stillness settled in, and in Savasana they were being breathed. There is no place that I would have rather been, and I am grateful and blessed to have been given the ultimate Thanksgiving with the boys of JDC.

Superwoman

2008-11-25T08:59:00.000-08:00

In the cherry blossom’s shade, there’s no such thing as a stranger---ISSA

Metta is a Pali word meaning loving-kindness or loving care and it refers to an attitude of friendliness, goodwill, and generosity of heart. When we allow our hearts to be filled with loving kindness we have a simple wish—May all things be happy.

In the girls class, we treaded lightly into the shallow end of the pool--when you are a teenaged girl it is hard to distinguish loving kindness from being "in love" with a boy. I wondered how this would go, many of these girls have not felt loving kindness once in their lives. One of the girls came into jail last night--she has been in my class 3-4 times over a 6 month period and has come several times to the studio class. She explained that last night her mom got really drunk, and called the police and said she was a run a way even though she was standing on the front steps of her house at the time. This fragile flower was arrested and brought into JDC last night. This flower has worked so hard since getting out, she is consistantly going to school and is holding down a job. This flower knows that love comes when you do for someone what they want, she may have never seen the kind of love that come from just having the privledge of becoming a human being. This is one story of the 10 girls I had in class today, and each of them brings a story of similar nature. What happens to kids who don't feel love--are they able to bring that kind of unconditional love into their hearts? Will they be open enough to fill the vessel of their heart with loving kindness? Should I even venture here--what am I thinking? All of those thoughts were in my mind within the first 5 minutes of trying to explain that when your heart is open to give, it is open to recieve.

Metta allows love to become filled in your heart at it's purest form--most of these girls know only the love mixed with desire and attachment. Born of great generosity, metta is a caring and kindness that does not seek self-benefit. It does not look for anything in return or by way of exchange, I will love you if you love me or I will love you if you behave a certain way.

I was hopeful that as we moved through our meditation that a small crack in the armour surrounding the hearts of these girls that they would understand that loving kindness is never associated with anything harmful, it always arises from a purity of heart. One of the unique aspects of metta is that it does not make distinctions among beings. We spoke of how when we feel love mixed with desire, this feeling is always for a limited number of people. Loving kindness is extraordinary precisely because it can embrace all; there is no one who falls outside of its domain. Although we may not always live in a state of loving feeling, through practice we can learn to touch it many times a day.

We moved through asana for about 30 minutes slowly to open the heart and bring the breath into the heart to help open a window, if only a crack to let the love that we are feeling fill our heart. The girls grumbled about everything, but I knew it was a protection, they made fun of each other, which I knew was a protection, they made fun of me, which I knew was a protection and when they realized that I didn't give attention to the interruption, they settled in and a transformation happened. We were listening to music--softly during the asana and a song by Alicia Keys came on "Superwoman." As her angelic voice penetrated the walls of the jail and the walls of the hearts of the girls the words were auspicious and resounding--"Everywhere I'm turning Nothing seems complete I stand up and I'm searching for the Better Part of Me. I hang my head from sorrow, State of Humility, I wear it on my shoulders, Gotta find the strength in me. 'Cause I'm a Superwoman, Yes I am, Yes she is--even when I'm a mess I put on a vest with an S on my chest--Superwoman." The girls began to sing, to the song and their hearts opened--and it was like a firehose was pouring out of them of the loving kindness that can only bring about pure joy! It was amazing--we finished our asana to the song, and as I turned off the music, the girls settled in on their mats ----and they plugged into that same feeling of joyousness that the was surrounding the room as their voices joined in the battle cry of "Superwoman." It was breathtaking.....truly.

I led them through the meditation, and as we came to the portion that sends loving kindness out to a person who has wronged you, their breath remained steady, and there was a feeling of grace taking over, tears flowed from the girls as they realized that yes they can release themselves from whatever grips this person had on them by sending loving kindness out towards the person who wronged them--they became Superwomen, and each girl in her own way grew a little, felt a little more at peace, and realized that yes, they are worthy of feeling love, they are worthy of giving love and they are my heros for walking the journey of Metta Mediation. Each girl in that room today is a hero, and I'm blessed and eternally humbled to hold the space with them.

Foundation Stones

2008-11-20T15:55:00.000-08:00

Here is my past----

what I've been proud of

and what I've pushed away.

Today I see how each piece

was needed,

not a single step wasted.

Like a stone wall,

every rock resting

on what came before---

no stone can be suspended in mid-air.

Foundation laid by every

act and ommision,

every decision, even

those the mind would

label, "big mistake."

The things I thought

were sins, these are as

necessary as successes,

each one resting

on the surface of the last,

stone upon stone

the fit particular, complete,

the rough, uneven

face of these rocks

makes surprising

satisfying patterns

in the sunlight.

--Danna Faulds

After I read this in the boys class today, I asked them to tell me about a stone that they felt was a mistake but then turned out to be good---, hands went up, one boy said "being in jail was a mistake but I got my GED in here so I guess that is what you mean." Another boy said, "having yoga in jail seemed crazy--I didn't like it at first, I thought it was a mistake when they picked me but now I like it and I can touch my toes." One boy said, "getting caught was a mistake, but I'm reading in jail, and I didn't know how to do that before." Another boy said, "so what you mean is that no matter what happens to us or because of us, it leads us to places in our life where we can make a decision of placing a good stone or a bad stone?" All of them were right....one of the most rewarding things about teaching in the jail is that the boys are so receptive to things that are good for them--it sounds crazy but they really love to learn and find an insight that allows them to see themselves as good people. I told the boys a story about how recently I have had to make a decision that was very hard because I knew that when I made the decision that the work that would have to be put in would be my own and I couldn't rely on someone else, and how after I made the decision I knew that Yep---had to be done and that I'm stronger for it. We talked about how 10 years from now seems so far away, but that the stones we place on our path even the most insignificant can lead us to places and things that are both good and bad. That sometimes we need to rely on the fact that we have placed more good stones than bad as we continue through our life---everyone makes mistakes it's the learning from them that matters. The boys were excited to get started, and they had the most awesome practice of Surya Namaskar that they have every had---asking questions, telling each other where they need to place their hands, and really focused-----all in all AWESOME day!!!!

Seeds

2008-11-18T16:01:00.000-08:00

As a beginning yoga student, it was always hard for me to fully integrate into muscle energy. I could understand the concept that at it's most basic muscle energy draws you more into your core, but to balance that with organic energy, the expressive action of drawing out of your core well it had always been a mystery. It came to me in small segments, muscle energy in the legs--hugging into the midline, drawing from feet to the core of the pelvis, and hugging muscle to bone--the arms were later and so on and we'll touch on that another time ;).

Today in the girls yoga class in JDC, we continued the study of muscle energy and what it takes to hold muscle energy and out of that came the revelation that at one time in these girls lives, they felt it was ok to give up, not try, just plain not care. This anamoly came about in their yoga practice today. There were 8 girls and every one of them, did not want to hold muscle energy and this was evidenced by their stopping just before engaging to tuck in their shirt, fix their socks, or just plain fall out of the pose into some form of what I call in jail, "not wanting to reach for the true potential of your ability because you may actually reach it." These girls were scared to death of actually feeling what it is like to hug into yourself and feel stable.

I finally understood muscle energy by beginning to allow myself to hug into myself and feel how strong I truly am as a woman, as a yoga practioner, as a human being. This was the image that worked for me.....a holding onto the best part of myself. In today's class these girls did not even want to try to engage that, in fact they were afraid to hold onto themselves. One girl even stated, "my body feels weird, what is happening, this is freaking me out." WOW! we took a moment to talk about how feeling strong in your deepest self allows you to become more confident and know that no matter what you can hold onto yourself and hold true to your center. The comments from the girls were in essence, "it doesn't matter we are in jail, we are only getting out of here because we've served our time, then it's back to normal and hope we don't get caught." As the guard and myself sat in silence of the pure truth that was said, it came to me that no one in these girls lives ever allowed them to feel strong enough to hold onto themselves and know that no matter what they were going to be ok because the conviction of knowing yourself gives you the power to change whatever it is you have in front of you. It occured that maybe these girls have never allowed themselves to be shown how strong they are, how strong they can be and how they do not have to be VICTIM to their lives as they are now. We talked for a long time about how seeds in a package don't know what they are, they go in the ground and hug into themselves with muscle energy and then from the energy, they allow themselves to grow into beautiful flowers that are strong enough to sustain themselves. That seeds in a package are just like the girls in JDC, they may not know what they are going to become but they damn well have enough energy inside them to find out that they are beautiful and strong enough to sustain their lives without relying on anyone else but themselves. That today on their mat, they can make the strong choice to be the masters of their destiny and hold into themselves and know that they are strong, beautiful, confident women who can make a difference in their life and the lives of those around them. As we ended with Savasana, one girl who is getting out next week because she is turning 18 said, "you're right, I'm all I have, I'm in foster care and all I wanted was to find a boy to save me from being alone, but I'm going to try to make it on my own." I explained that she could do it, that she is strong enough because being in jail is not for the weak, that it takes a lot to be in jail as a 17 year old girl with no family." This beautiful seed gave me a smile that was as big as I have ever seen her give and I know that maybe someday she will remember that she is strong enough to overcome and in that moment she will bloom the most beautiful flower in her heart!

Foot Massage

2008-11-13T09:18:00.000-08:00

It is a beautiful day in North Idaho--we have had 6 days of constant rain, it was as if there was a blanket of stillness over everyone---but after 6 days the stillness turned to what could be described as a depression. People up here call it being SAD--seasonal depression--and I have never really believed it until now because I have been feeling well sad for the past couple of days as if it was really time to cocoon into my house and wait for the sun to bring itself around again. This morning was the morning that the sun brightened and everything looked magical outside. It was easier to wake up and greet the day, the boys yoga practice had an electricity that was so beautifully luminating and they laughed a lot and everyone had a twinkle in their eye.

This past weekend I had the pleasure of taking a workshop from Sundari a certified Anusara teacher and dear friend of my teacher and mentor Karen--which means that because she is friends with Karen, I loved her already! Sundari is one of those people that the minute you meet her you want to be in her presence all the time as if she holds a special secret about life that if you spent enough time with her would rub off on you............and she does have a speacial secret and it did rub off on all of us. She taught many lessons this weekend that made all of us practitioners feel like we were mining for gold---we would wait, listen, drink in the teaching and then there it was the nugget of gold that transformed our pose and our ability to be in relationship with our yoga practice. LOVE HER!!!!

In honor of Sundari, I decided to bring the foot massage portion of her teachings into the jail today for the boys class---yes I did say the foot massage portion---it was risky, and I was prepared for the this is girly, we don't even need this, you are again the crazy yoga lady-----but instead the boys LOVED!!!! it--they took their socks off for the first time(this is a huge deal) they rubbed their feet the listened with intent and they wanted to know everything about the foot and right there in the multi-purpose room we had a foot anatomy lesson that I know they will share with someone someday. The boys told me that this was the first time that they felt their feet, that they really could feel their arches, that their toes felt lighter and that it felt good to rub their own feet----it must be said that one boy said, "Jen this is going to get us laid isn't it?" Another boy said, "I believe that this foot thing is going to make me the king of women." I just gave them each a smile, and didn't even have to share that yes both boys were correct. ;)

The cool thing was that in that moment of foot rubbing, it was as if they were rubbing their own soul because the boys really softened, their whole demeaner changed and they realized that the smallest and sometimes insignificant part of their body that we all take for granted is our foundation, our transportation, and our most valued asset. These sweet boys have never had anyone tell them it was ok to take the time for themselves to do for themselves something that makes them feel good---today was a beautiful bright day, and it was because the brightness that shone from the hearts of the boys yoga class was luminary.

Positive Reinforcement

2008-11-04T19:30:00.000-08:00

I have been accused of being too soft on the kids that come to yoga in JDC. By soft it was explained to me that I think of these kids as having hope--which yes I do! I do not believe that because they made a mistake based on the lack of life skills that they posessed at the time of their mistake. Now please don't get me wrong, I'm not here to tell you that these kids are all angels that were wronged by the system--there are kids in jail tonight who deserve to be there, but even in their mistake I believe that their life does not have to be a series of mistakes based on their self worth being thrown away like the wrapper in their pocket when they were booked. I wish I could have all of you with me when I teach in the jail--believe me you are all there in spirit--because you would see the faces of these kids when they get the pose they have been working on or when they get the reason that we begin with Open to Grace--when in the minute their face lights up they understand that if they open to something bigger than themselves their heart begins to fill up again and they are able to find the hope that had been hiding for so long.

We talked today in the girls class about what the girls feel is their most challneging pose--and I was ready for plank, down dog, pigeon, etc. But in their sweetness the girls explained that their most challenging pose is Savasana--that the minute the eye pillows go on, their mind turns on. I have asked this question of which pose is the most challenging, and every time it ends up being Savasana--we worked with the breath today to try and move the elevator of their minds into their heart. One girl began to cry--sob--in class, she had been in before and left for a couple months and was booked last night. When she left the jail she had a dream of joining Job Corps--she was excited and really wanted to go--Job Corps is the nation's largest and most comprehensive residential education and job training program for at-risk youth, ages 16 through 24. Job Corps combines classroom, practical, and work-based learning experiences to prepare youth for stable, long-term, high-paying jobs. Last night she was arrested for disturbing the peace and is in jeopardy of Job Corps not accepting her. The girls in the class were not supportive of her, mostly because they are not getting out soon and really don't care--but the more we spoke about it, the more it became evident that the girls did care, they were defensive about the idea of this happening to them--it is easy to re-offend and return to jail, it is hard to keep yourself held in balance and not return to jail.

I brought up the idea of responsiblity, and if I could bring one thing into jail with me every time it is the power of personal responsiblity--the ability to understand personal responsiblity is what brings hope to the lost children in jail. Because their families don't hold them accountable, these kids have never felt a sense of personal responsiblity--the mantra in jail is that "it is not my fault." Every sentence begins with "it is not my fault ----that I'm poor and cannot afford a good lawyer, that my parents want me to stay in jail because they are going to rehab, that the police caught up with me and I was smoking, that the guards in here hate me and make fun of me." I posed the idea that for the next week what if instead of saying "it's not my fault" how about posing the question to yourself of "what can I do today that can make a positive difference in my life?" Of course the girls thought I was crazy--that just thinking of a way to be positive cannot make a difference---it is maddening to me that no one has ever given these kids a positive reinforcement--and in that moment I explained that not only am I hoping that they find a positive way to make a difference, I want to know about it and next week the theme will be what the girls come up with. I suddenly changed for the crazy lady to someone who took an interest, and then they were off, talking amongst themselves, talking about ways they could make changes, and there it was the elephant in the room............................hope!

What is peace II? Desert Flowers

2008-10-30T08:47:00.000-07:00

It has been a wild and wooly week in JDC--wow can someone say new moon? I loved asking the question "What is inner peace?" to the boys this week--their answers were so different from the girls.........as I knew they would be ;).

One boy stated to me that inner peace is "where you are content, where you are not too excited or too sad, just in the middle--kind of like when you're just chillin in front of the tv." Another boy stated--"well if you're in front of the tv, then you are watching tv not feeling inner peace, I think it is the time like right before you fall asleep and your body relaxes from the brain and there is nothing---nothing in your head." And yet another--so sweet boy said, "I've felt inner peace--well not lately but I have--" the boys started laughing and saying no you haven't and then there it was--he stated "yes yes I have--you know the feeling right after you smoked a fatty (joint for the older generation) that is when I feel inner peace." Right there in the yoga room, I felt myself hold my breath--and in one second, my entire body felt like--did I just advocate the use of drugs--how can I get myself out of this--what wisdom, what jewel of yogic knowledge can I bring to this "yes that is the feeling" moment---and with their eyes boring holes in me as if knowing that I was squirming for a great yogi moment in the sun--I blurted out "some people have used that method to attain many things--but the breath, the stillness, your ability to take yourself there without help is the true measure of how you yourself can attain inner peace. You are the one who can make it truly happen, you have the power." And they laughed like I was crazy and called me Yodi--and as we moved through the poses, their teasing of me became the theme of "Let the force be with you." Maybe today they listened, maybe not, but inner peace was brought to their attention---and maybe just maybe some time from now, they will look back on the crazy yoga lady and remember that inside themselves is the gift of inner peace.

I realized in that moment something that I've felt for a long time--these kids are products of the instant gratification society--they do not have time, nor the patience to "attain" anything--they have been able to get information at their fingertips-they dont have time to wait for inner peace, they want it right now and in pill form please. To me that is the beauty of yoga-we slow down, we relish, we nourish we love ourselves enough to be inside ourselves and dwell and find out who we really are --the light that lives inside us cannot be found by anything with instant in the name--it's a slow opening flower that reveals itself when we are ready and not a minute before like the dessert cactus that bloom once per 100 years when the weather and conditions are in perfect alignment. So here is to all of desert flowers waiting to bloom our inner peace--may be find beauty in every footstep of the journey.

What is inner peace?

2008-10-28T10:25:00.001-07:00

The principle source of happiness is inner peace. I have been contemplating this lately and how it sounds so simple and yet knowing that inner peace true inner peace is what many of us fight against.

I brought the question to the girls class today, "What is inner peace?" And their responses were truthful and painful and yet the honesty that resonated in the yoga room was pretty profound. One sweet girl who has been quiet and compliant in yoga--who just pays attention with a little slice of "you have got to be kidding me" underlying her positive attitude. She answered today, that inner peace to her is when everything that is playing in her mind like a movie continuously shuts off--which doesn't happen often because all she thinks about when it's quiet is " why am I here, where are my brothers and sisters and who is taking care of them if I'm in here, why do I get in trouble when my mom who is way worse than me is never in trouble and constantly brings home new people to take care of when we her kids should be who she's worried about." This flower admitted that she doesn't like the quiet or peaceful time at the end of yoga (savasana) because all of her movies play in her head---continuously until the bells ring and she can open her eyes and bury them with the sights and sounds of life. And then it hit me--these kids have never had a peaceful moment in their lives--even as small children-- babies their lives have been chaos--complete chaos. They have learned that quiet peaceful times are bad and that inner reflection means to acknowledge how scared they are and how they are not sure if this is them being crazy or if this is normal for everyone.

Another girl answered that the only time she feels inner peace is when she is with her boyfriend--who is much older and he calms her down and when they are together she feels peaceful. Translation from the teacher: she is searching for a father figure and someone to help her feel safe. This flower would not talk about how much older--and I didn't pry but I know that she is only 14--so much older could mean anywhere from 14-35. Peacefulness to these kids has become a false sense of peace and morphed into some crazy twisted form of safety.

Imagine feeling scared all the time--I mean all the time, and wondering if your life is ever going to slow down enough for you to catch up to it--imaging feeling like no one in your life except for some icky "groomer" can give you a sense of protection, a sense of self worth, a sense of you being ok, where you are right now. The sad thing --to me is that these kids may never learn to be gentle with others but/and because no one has given them a sense of peace, they may never be gentle with themselves. That means that they are not so much afraid of the external forces of fear---hence why they are in JDC, but their biggest fear is of their internal fears--the fear of wanting to be free, wanting to be loved, and wanted more than anything the feeling of peace. So instead of surrendering into those feelings, they are in a constant battle with everything in the outside forces of their life. That is the root of the problem--and the root of this problem has tremendous energy and no riverbanks of love and so their soul dissappears and we are left with shells of girls sitting in JDC waiting for the next enemy to come so they can fight them to keep from looking within. This is reality for the girls daily in JDC, my hope is that they for one minute feel free--that they are learning if only by transmission that they are worthy of everything that they dream of----

Where the hell are the parents?

2008-10-23T10:44:00.000-07:00

Two of the boys that have been coming to yoga have been sentenced to go to what is called "committment". One of the boys was caught having sex at school and one boy ran away from home. Committment is a big deal--it's not something to be taken lightly and is a year long program in the southern portion of our state. I understand the relevence of the program, I know that there are kids who will benefit--but one of these kids, is such a great kid--he's one of the kids who came to my studio class in the summer, and really made an effort to show up and be present with the teachings. I've met this boys mother and I'm sorry but I understand why he is running away all the time. She is a "not to be messed with, smoking, french fry eating, mom's tired so you watch your 2 year old sister" kind of mother--she was not interested in his yoga practice, she didn't even care that he progressed so far, and not to mention that he is 15 and wanted to come to yoga in the SUMMER when all his friends were at the beach and hanging out. I have been accused of looking at these kids with rose-colored glasses, but come on...seriously when are we going to look at what these kids are running from or why are they having sex at school or why do they steal cigarettes or WHERE THE HELL ARE THE PARENTS? I'm a believer that if kids run from home, there is a reason they are running, and that is what should be researched--these kids should not be thrown away into an environment where most of the kids in "committment" have serious mental and emotional and psycological issues---issues that kids that run away from home should not be having to deal with.

I am a believer that the kids in JDC are products of their enviornment at home--every one of them---yes there are those kids who get into trouble and spend a night or two in jail and then learn their lesson----these kids are kids whose parents are supportive of them and interestingly have never been to jail either. One of the boys told me today that he has to stay in jail for 90 more days because his mother---his mother has to complete a 90 day intake program for drugs---so let me ask--what the hell kind of enviornment is this boy going to go into when his mother gets out of treatment and he gets out of jail---he will have to hold not only himself together but her also and whatever boyfriend she met in treatment that comes along to be the "father" figure in his life. I mean no wonder these kids do so well in jail--there is no drama!! They don't have to worry about when they come home from school what they're going to find, they don't have to worry about if mom or dad spent the money for food on drugs, or if their little brothers and sisters were being taken care of when they are not home.

The bright spot in this situation is the yoga--the fact that the yoga brings into the jail the thought the very thought that the inner goodness that has always lived in them can guide them into so many better and greater things in their life---that today is not the end as they sit in JDC it can and most likely will be the beginning if they just want to bring themselves to believe that they are worthy of feeling good. The way these kids light up, and truly enjoy their yoga practice, and that in their cells when no one is around, they practice their yoga and their breathing---they practice and feel safe with themselves in that moment--and hopefully on the outside when they find themselves being swallowed up by the crap that can drown a person, they remember that their breath can set them free and they themselves can make the goodness that has always been with them shine their heart forward and live from a place of peace.

Restoration

2008-10-16T11:44:00.000-07:00

The classes at JDC follow quite closely the classes at the college where I teach, that helps with the cultivation of the theme and basically keeps me from going crazy with 5 themes for 5 different classes. This week is mid-terms at the college and during mid-terms it seems appropriate to do restorative practice--a slowing down, a looking inward, a finding the place in the heart that reminds us all that we are worth every breath we take. I am a little prejudiced for restorative practice and the profound change it can bring if you are open enough to receive it.

In the beginning of class, we talk about what it really means to relax your body, relax your mind and not sleep--how the minute we close our eyes and begin to breath our mind fills with every single thing that has ever happened in our life to remind us how much we should not relax---that is the part of restorative class that sometimes gets forgotten--it's not about just laying in savasana or viparita--it's about our relationship with our mind and the feeling of guilt that creeps in when we allow ourselves to visit the relaxed place in our heart that holds our truest self.

The boys did great, we talked through a relaxation excercise--they focused on their breath, the adjustments help to fully relax the body, and only towards the end of the 20 minutes did the fidgiting happen---and all it took was a reminder to remain as still as possible, still enough to hear your neighbor's breath and in that breath recognition that we are all being breathed and are all worthy of finding the place where relaxation resides in our heart.

Boys are so great with this, you could literally see them sink into their mat, they released the hold on their fists, they feet fell from the midline, and the breath became equal inhale to exhale---it was pretty magical.

One boy said, "Jen I feel like I just slept for a whole night---I'm doing this in my cell."

Angels Sing in Savasana

2008-10-09T16:20:00.000-07:00

There is an urban yoga legend that when your theme flows and the class is immersed in the theme that the heavens open and angels actually sing while you are in savasana---well today maybe for about 10 seconds I heard them.

The class I look forward to all week is the Thursday Boys Class, these are boys who have been coming to the class for a long time, and most of them are at the highest level of responsibility in the jail--so they pay attention--and before class starts they ask what we are going to do and always want to add in their idea of what should be done in class--Bakasana is a favorite and they would do it every week if they could. One boy said today, " I didn't know jail would be so fun, I mean with yoga and all, I look forward to Thursday." Believe me there is nothing fun about where these kids are, but as a CASA I've seen some of the places these kids come from and I am here to tell you that to say that jail is better is like saying that a great white whale is a nice fish. Most of the kids in JDC are searching for anything but where they were and whether it be gangs, or drugs, or transients they are determined to find it--with or without their longing for self preservation.

I read a passage out of Love Letters from Great Men, I know sappy and corney and not so boyish--but yet worked for the heart opening shoulder loop practice that was planned for today. It was risky, this I knew going in, and because I feel safe with the boys I knew it would work out...at least I hoped ;) The love letter was from Beethoven and it was the most beautifully written letter straight from the heart from his to his beloved, and it showed the vulnerability of a man truly immersed in love and the confidence of a man who felt justified in telling others about it. I wanted the boys for once in their lives to hear and feel what it was like to be open to something other than themselves, to allow grace to fill their heart, to know that no matter what , their lives mean something and when they have the ability to share that meaning with someone worthy that for them to the heavens open and angels sing...............and it worked. There was not one gay joke, or defensive laughing, or any snickers of deflection it was in that yoga room today that these boys allowed themselves to feel that they are ok, just as they are, that their inner self is worthy of being loved, and no matter what if they keep their eye on that, maybe for a moment in their lives, they will live it.

Boys V. Girls

2008-10-08T10:51:00.001-07:00

There is such a profound differnce between the girls and boys classes at JDC, that I am amazed every single time I cross the metal detector, you can feel the shift in energy from Tuesday to Wednesday. Effort and Surrender continued through as the theme for the boys class today, and what a completely different response. It is always a shock to people when I tell them that my boys classes at JDC are some of the best classes of students that I teach---hands down. I posed the same question to the boys about effort and surrender, and the responses where not only completely different, but so open and honest. One boy said from the back row, "Yoga helps my life because it lets me be with me, I have stopped feeling alone, I mean you can't fight with yourself, you're always together...it's pointless---so you're right about surrendering." Another boy who has been in yoga with me for 7 1/2 months since the beginning and I have seen profound changes in him from the first day---he gets out in 5 days and he said, "Jen, surrendering is not giving up, it's dealing with what you have and making the best out of it--I used to push through the poses and now I just do them, I don't over think them, I just do them and it's easy now--so I agree with surrender, even though it sounds like I'm being a pussy, I agree with it because it's about being stronger and more confident with yourself, not giving into the old ways that you've learned." As many of you who read this blog know, I have a kinship with these kids that is pretty profound when we are together--they trust me and more over I trust them. I can't imaging a better learning platform for me, and yoga being brought to their rich young minds will give them benefits for a lifetime, even if today they don't see it, they will always have the spark of Yoga in them. One boy said, "Yoga is everywhere, I mean if you think about it you do yoga every minute of everyday if you are mindful--like you said, think about what your inner self would do, don't walk through life like a zombie, pay attention." And with those profound words, we took a nice seat, and sat in silence and together we knew that this was going to be a great day--as we closed the class another new voice said, " I thought Yoga was for ...well you know... crazy people, but we all did it and I loved it--thank you so much, when do you come back?" I reminded everyone to take moment during a still point in their day and surrender into the stillness and celebrate their life, because of all the things the universe created, it created each of us, and for that we are pretty special.

The Yoga Hater

2008-10-07T09:55:00.001-07:00

At what point in our lives did we replace surrender with effort? Yoga brings us back to remembering to surrender ourselves back to our true Selves and as we make the journey along the way we pick up and remember the jewels of ourselves that sparkle and help us celebrate our inner goodness. This is my theme for the week, enjoying the journey to our inner goodness, and right there in JDC as I posed this to the girls, one girl looked me straight in the eye and said, "Yoga sucks, why do we have to do this stuff and why do we care about our inner goodness anyway--this is stupid." I paused to allow the full affect of her statement fill the room. "And you're stupid, because all you talk about is how we have inner goodness, you don't know us and why do you care what we have--you don't, all these things are hard and you say to just try and I'm trying but I hate it and so I don't want to do it and then I feel bad about myself so I don't find my inner goodness I find my inner rage--so thank you." (Note to self, don't leave a pause.) The room fell silent--dead silent, and I quietly answered every point, yes sometimes Yoga is hard, yes I do want you to try, and I understand that you're allowing yourself to feel bad, but what if today you have the power to change the way you feel about yoga ---instead of fighting against it because I'm not going anywhere and we are having yoga class today--surrender into your feelings, allow yourself to feel whatever it is that comes up--feel it and with your exhale let it go like a wave from the ocean. When you feel yourself grasping at the framiliar feeling of pushing against the yoga allow yourself to feel the difference that surrendering into the feeling gives you and go with it. Just allow yourself to enjoy the feelings that are coming up in your body and your mind as we move through the poses. You have the power to surrender into or fight against everything in your life including yoga. She agreed she would try, and we began to center--I wanted the girls to ride the wave of their breathe especially now, not just go through the movements--we spent 5 minutes in centering breath, and even when I heard them fidgiting, we held true to our breath and the girls would join back in. One girl stated that it was easier to breathe if she just let it happen, instead of forcing--another girl said that she would mindlessly do the centering because I wouldn't know if she didn 't but today she really felt the breath moving up and down her spine as I was speaking, and she allowed herself to feel it. Another girl stated that usually her legs fall alseep in the centering part, but today they didn't, was that becasue she was not fighting against the sitting? I would love to end this blog with how I profoundly changed the thoughts of the girl who hates yoga, but I didn't and she didn't try, but the other 7 girls did and in trying they learned that no matter what they are good, and that feelings are not bad and that breath can carry you along way into yourself and so thank you to my yoga hater, because she helped me and the JDC girls become more surrendering about yoga and our class and ourselves.

Michaelangelo--A true Yogi

2008-09-30T10:01:00.000-07:00

Michelangelo was asked, "How do you decide what to sculpt?" He simply replied, " I don't, the scultpure lives inside the marble, I just peel away the layers and reveal it's inner beauty." Now if that is not Yoga I don't know what is--I love that because inside each of us is a deep inner beauty that becomes hidden either because of protection, or because of fear or because we were never told about this inner goodness. Yoga in all it's movement, breath, and revelation begins to peel away the layers that we have surrounded ourselves with--our breath begins as a simple movement that lifts the top layers, our movement brings Prana to our body and begins to remove any blockages, and as we move and breathe we begin to reveal and welcome the goodness inside. The girls in JDC today, found this crazy--but they are young, and they don't even know that their inner goodness is hiding, no one ever told them until now that they had an inner goodness so to them it is a foreign concept--but as we began to move and breathe and remember to breathe and hug into our midline and remember how good we can feel by moving and realizing that they can do these poses and that they are worthy of feeling their body at the most deep primordial level and then it happens, the goodness shines out, the goodness that they were born with--and the coolest part about that is that even if these girls were never told how good they were, they know now today that they are full of goodness and they are worthy of everything that they want out of life.

I love remembering Michaelangelo and his ability to see beyond the block of granite, not matter how rough the outside, no matter how cracked the piece of granit might be he knows that inside is a beautiful scupture just dying to come out, and as he peels away the layers he is right.

As we moved through the poses today, each girl peeled away layers of crap and found the inner beautiful flower that always lived there, and in Savasana, they surrendered to that feeling and relaxed and basked in the glow of their inner goodness.

More Magical Yogi Tricks!

2008-09-23T15:49:00.000-07:00

With the equinox here and full on Fall in our midst, the theme for the week is on holding to your center and finding a balanced action between effort and surrender. I have a very vivid memory of being younger and afraid of getting shots--there is a lot of company for me here, I know--I would tense up, practically my arm would be numb from grasping the muscles so tightly onto the bones before the needle would even be unwrapped. There was complete terror in my body and I held onto it so tightly that when the needle did finally get the job done, I had a bruise the size of a softball from where it penetrated my skin. As we move through life, it is very hard to understand the balanced action between effort and surrender--too much effort (muscle energy) and we are ridgid and stuff--too much surrender (organic energy) and we are not in tune with our bodies--at which point in our life does the balanced action come in, and if you're not a Yogi, do you even understand it? I have gone for acupuncture treatments, I am still deathly afraid of needles, but I have come to understand that the if I surrender myself to the treatments, I barely feel the needles, and if I use my breath to give me a focal point, the treatment is over before I know and there is no bruising.

In JDC today, we explored this topic, and the group of girls today would rather surrender themselves and their self worth than put in too much effort and find the will to stand up for themselves. The mat, is like a mirror to your inner Self in some ways--what we give to our asana practice is what we give to our life--you can't lie to the mat, you can't shortcut on the mat, what you give is what you get---which is one thing that I love about Yoga!!! Many times in jail during Yoga the mat is a truth stone--in the last seven months I've noticed kids either try and better themselves or they give up completely and don't even try. Today in the girls class it was a class of don't even tries because "I can't". At which point in these girls lives did their will to see their inner goodness get turned off--who was the role model who gave the transmission that it is ok to just give up when things are hard--when did it become ok to settle for what you have right now in your life and not strive to reach for and embrace your inner goodness? The balanced action of life in some of these girls is so cloaked that they have forgotten who they are---but here is where the Yogi Magic comes in, as I explained, the mat is a mirror, the magic part is that the inner goodness of everyone shines out in every pose, it is whether we choose to see it or not. As I sat with a room of 8 stunned young women, one beautiful flower said, "You mean to tell me, that even if I'm not in a perfect pose, and I'm falling over that my inner goodness is there---?" Yes I emphatically exclaimed, because first of all there is no perfect pose and secondly when we fall over is when we find our center--and we feel balanced action, because the next time we do the pose, we remember and we can then celebrate our inner goodness of trying and holding that pose maybe one more breath. There were several minutes of silent contemplation and I took my cue to begin breathing with my eyes closed, and begin our beautiful, balanced action, full of effort and surrender shining out of the inner goodness class.

What if we are afraid to see?

2008-09-17T11:29:00.000-07:00

"If yoga helps us to remember who we are, what happens if we are afraid to see?" One boy asked today at the beginning of the class. With 17 pairs of eyes boring holes in me looking for the answer to the question, that they all have wondered, but were afraid to ask-- I paused.......because there is a time maybe once a day that I ask that same question. Is the fear keeping me from truly opening up my heart to the illumination of my soul? The love of yoga is keeping me coming back to the mat, like a drug I can't stay away from the feeling of completeness yoga has shown me. I spoke of how your yoga mat, is like a mirror to your heart--you can't lie or see what you want to or make excuses while you are on the mat--how you are on the mat is how you live your life. The same boy said, "Jen you've told us that already, like 100 times what if when I come to the mat, do the poses and feel nothing because I am afraid of what the ability to feel will do to me." I couldn't breathe, literally, the breath left my body and I wondered in that moment that felt like an hour if I was going to be able to continue these boys on their journey---my monkey mind full of doubt began to chatter me into a bad scene from an afterschool special where the girl is spinning and her mind is racing --and then thankfully, the body knows when you have stopped breathing and begins to breathe before you pass out-- I told my story to the boys of how yoga affected me, how there were times I was afraid, still am, how there are days when as I step on the mat, emotions well up inside me and all I can do is cry, how there are days when I feel like Wonder Woman because the poses just flow out of me, and I feel like I've gained ground on yoga and yes in the distant future there is a back bend waiting for me. How everyday I love that I can go to the mat, and have these feelings and feel ok about them because they are mine and the responsiblity of that makes me proud of stepping off the ledge and allowing my heart to feel and my body to sparkle and my breath to be the guide along this crazy journey that we call yoga. There was a moment of pause in the boys, I wondered if I had stepped into a big pile of emotional shit that was going to change our yoga practice and make them feel like I was the "preachy" yoga lady. But it didn't, and we began, maybe just knowing we are all in this together allows the feelings to come out from behind the curtain that we have shut on our hearts. We all come to yoga to align with our goodness, we all want to feel good and feel love--not the soap opera love of another, but the true, self confident love of ourselves that no one can take away. The love that allows us to open up enough to be loved by others and stop searching for anything to take away the pain. No words were spoke during class, we just did Yoga and that was enough to remind everyone that-- Practice over a long period of time with devotion will make a difference. After Savasana, we sat in silence breathing together and sharing our hearts in a bond that felt so unbreakable.

Turtles

2008-09-16T10:34:00.000-07:00

Love is what we were all born with--fear is what we have learned. Yoga is the relinquishment --or unlearning-- of fear and acceptance of love back into our hearts. Love is always around us, we just have to let our guard down enough to let it in.

From the first day I walked into the Juvenile Detention facility, fear was throbbing, rocking actually every person and everything. Fear of why they are there, fear of who they are, fear of who they aren't, fear of life. I believed, and still believe that many of the kids really want to remember who they are at their core being, and fall in love again with that person. May of the theme's that are brought into JDC are of breaking free, finding freedom, living from the heart, realigning yourself with the grace that you were born with--and many people thought and still think that I am crazy for even introducing these themes, let along yoga. But I have always felt that the kids are dealing with the same things that we all deal with everyday acceptance of themselves, and acceptance of where they are in their lives right now. We all struggle with that, Yoga gives everyone a clear playing field--we begin with the breath and end with the breath--we allow grace to fill us, we hug into ourselves with muscle energy, we allow the energy to spiral into and out of our bodies so much that it becomes organic like a volcano and shines out of every part of our being in a luminous light. We all are searching for a meaning to why we feel one way, or a meaning to life, or a glimpse into our inner goodness. In essence we are all turtles, hiding in our shells and yoga taunts out our heads a little more each time we step on the mat, we grow a little taller, we become more of what we are inside, we feel---not just better, but we begin to feel our bodies and love who and where we are at this moment. When the kids get a principle, or feel their femer bones, it's like the person they want to be comes out---because they are no longer hiding, it's as if they have discovered a secret only they know and they feel proud of themselves. So I dedicate this weeks practice to all the turtles trying to leave their shells, coming out for a breath of fresh air, and really feeling thier inner goodness.

Quiet Yogi

2008-09-11T16:09:00.000-07:00

My Wednesday Boys class got cancelled due to "defensive tactics" training for the staff. I did let them know that if they ever wanted to learn some great pranayama technics for that same result to let me know---but the jail did not find this funny or take me up on the offer. Apparently "defensive tactics" is a big deal kind of thing. As I thought about it, is became an interesting quandry to me to try and squash violence with somewhat agressive holdings--I'm not sure how well this works. It's seems kind of like an oxymoron to me, but then again, I've never been a fan of anything with the words "defensive" in the title. None the less, we dove straight in today with Thursday Boys who were raring to go after missing Wednesday--LOVE THAT!!!!

One of my long term boys, who is quiet, and radiates joy in his subtle way--did a demo for the class today of Bakasana--he is strong, and he demonstrated that the pose if done correctly is not a balance pose but a rockin core holding arm balance. I love when the students realize that it is not about leaning forward onto your hands, but a lifting up of the core--only one of the boys fell into the desk so we have made progress ;). This boy, is such a study for me--he listens intently to everything, and started out in the third row, then moved to the second row, and when the Gangster left to finish his sentence in the "big jail"--he assumed his position right in front of me, wherever I'm seated--he's like a sponge--I don't know if he will carry on the Yoga on the outs, but for now we are planting seeds that will germinate and blossom when they are ready. He is a leader, even though if you asked him, he wouldn't say that he was--and in his eyes is a sweetness of innocence. It sounds crazy because most people would say that the kids in JDC have no sweetness inside them, but I see it--and when they let their guard down enough it throbs with vibratory conciousness.

The boys drank up the story of how we all share vibratory conciousness like a thristy man at a water foutain, they could not get enough--it is a pure joy when the kids realize that their actions affect others( I believe this is where a groove is formed in them and healing can begin)--many times, people will just assume that the boys especially in JDC are hardened because of their time there, I will be the first one to tell you that they soften while they are in JDC because they are safe from whatever haunts them on the outside--they can release their veil and just be--everyone knows what they have all done, there is no secrets--whether you stole cigarettes or a life, you begin again on the same page. There is a heirarchy, don't get me wrong, but there is also a quiet calmness of knowing that they are all there for the same thing--doing something wrong--and growing into realizing that you hold the keys to your future whether good or bad is up to you.

Control of How I Live

2008-09-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

When you remember that we all live and breathe from the same place, the vibratory affect of our actions bring a greater awareness of everything we do. There is always a time, that we have all felt, as we watched a sunrise/sunset as if there was no disconnection between us and the sun or walking down the street you pass someone and feel a connection even though no words are spoken and you don't know the person. This phenomenon is our theme this week in JDC, and as we spoke of this one girl said to me, "that means that even the smallest thing that we do has a larger affect on everyone." I posed the question, "Tell me of something small that you can do that affects everyone." And one girl said, "my attitude." As the girls agreed, they all saw in themselves the ability they each have to change the "atmosphere" of the jail and their fellow inmates attitudes. As we talked, one girl said, "it seems like we don't have choices about stuff but we do, is that what you're saying?" It was as if the sun broke through those cement walls and shined directly on each girl--because as they realized that they are in control of their lives, they brightened, and lengthened, and sat taller than I've ever seen them. We continued to speak of how we are all connected by the vibration of our hearts, and that as we were formed after conception it was our heart that came first and everything we are grew out of our heart. As we lived life, the circumstances of the vibratory effect on our hearts made us either live out of love or fear. Every decision made by us is ruled by either love or fear--the room was quiet in contemplation and we sat for five minutes in meditation and slowly we grew our yoga practice and after Savasana, a few of the girls came up to me and said, "today I change my attitude and do what you said, live more skillfully because I am in control of how I live.........."

Time Out

2008-09-04T09:16:00.000-07:00

There is something about the beginning of a new school year that puts electricity in the air--you can actually feel the excitement of kids going back to school. The smell of freshly sharpened pencils and erasers brings me immediately back to kindergarten and my very first day of school.

The practices this week were on new beginnings. The focus was on how each day is a new beginning- that there is never a day that you cannot begin your life. Every morning you have the opportunity to begin again, and focus on what lies ahead not dwell on where you have been. People make mistakes in their life, we all have, but not making them again and learning from them is what shows that you are leading your life with intelligence. In yoga, each time we step onto our mat, we begin again with the poses, even if we have done them 1000 times--if we truly begin again each pose has something new to offer and each pose gives us a new insight into ourselves. The kids drank this up--one boy said that he always thinks about what he did wrong, but never what he could do not to do it again. Almost every boy in the room was shaking his head in agreement. I posed the question, what if every morning instead of waking up thinking about what you may have done wrong, you focus on what you have done that is right--and one boy who only comes to yoga when forced by the staff said, if I think of things I've done right, maybe I can forget the things that I have done wrong and have a better day because I wake up irritated all the time--I mean seriously pissed off--!! Every boy in the jail said that they wake up irritated because they sit in their cells and think about what they have done wrong---another boy said do you think that maybe that is because I had a lot ot time outs when I was a kid--like being alone makes me feel like I'm in time out and in trouble, so when I'm in my cell I feel like a constant time out. Wow there was a revelation for me....I've never thought about that, I wonder if maybe as adults that is why we are afraid to be alone--or afraid to become still because we immediately revert back to a feeling of in trouble in time out. I felt like in that moment we are all somehow linked in the "time out". I felt like instead of poses, today we were supposed to have a dialogue because there were so many things that the kids wanted to share, so many releases of feelings that needed to happen--but I'm not a psycologist, and felt like the class was crossing over so we began to center and breathe and become ok with stillness if just for today--and an amazing thing happened, every boy, focused more in the poses, and was so still you could hear a pin drop in savasana.

The Teacher

2008-08-27T18:41:00.001-07:00

A letter came to my attention yesterday from one of the inmates that is now on the outside living back with her family. She was a girl who was confused, and really searching for her place in the world--(aren't we all). She had run away from home, mixed herself up with the wrong boy(one she met in Juvie) and was in the class for about 3 months. We had our share of obstacles, she wanted to be pregnant so badly that she told everyone she was, the nurse got involved and it was found out that no she was not pregant. Recently I learned from the jail staff that girls always say they are pregnant when the come into JDC because they do not want to use the lice shampoo--how do these kids know this stuff--I mean I would have no idea what to do, I guess I missed the handbook growing up.

Her letter states, "I think that you are amazing. You helped me learn alot about myself, become more comfortable with who I am, and you truly helped me open up to something bigger than myself--I would like to thank you."

The lesson for me here, is that teacher's in your life if you are open and ready to recieve the teaching, can come in all forms--as I read this today, I felt proud of this girl who felt proud enough of herself to write this and also to feel confident in her time with yoga to understand that she was opening up to something bigger than herself. As teenagers, knowing there is something more in the world than you is a pretty big "adult" pill to swallow and knowing that Yoga can percolate that up in these kids is why I want to teach them. She was my teacher today because I there are times when I need to remember that the obstacles that we face, definatly bring about results in ourselves and those around us that we may not want to understand or see, and for me I need to remember that each of the kids in JDC is a gift, and if I'm open enough they have a lot to teach me.

This Ain't No Spa Homey

2008-08-20T20:02:00.000-07:00

As the boys were coming into class today, one boy complained about how much it is costing his family to house him in JDC, and that he has to "pay" for everything--shampoo, soap, toilet paper, and "that stuff should be free--this is our home." The theme for the boys classes this week is Always be on the lookout for a Teacher--so I used the "this stuff should be free" portion and weaved it into the theme. Without sounding preachy I simply asked the boys, why do you think everything should be free--what is it that you did to contribute to your being "housed" here? I continued with "How can you turn this experience in here, to better yourself? How can this situation be your teacher?" As the room sat for a couple minutes, with contemplative looks The Gangster said, "This ain't no spa homey-we may get to do yoga, but because of our actions we are here--we did this--this is jail, food sucks, beds suck, clothes don't fit, and we have to be told what to do because no one here trusts that we can make any decisions for ourselves--yeah we have to pay but I've been thinking what about the people that we stole from, beat the crap out of, even killed." Not only myself but the rest of the room also was not breathing, not just not yoga breathing, literally not breathing. I knew at that moment, I was not the teacher and my theme was being carried forward by the Gangster and we moved to centering. We all began to breathe, and we had one of the greatest classes in JDC with the boys that we've ever had--when the student is ready the teacher will appear, I believe that and I've learned in my life to be on the lookout for the one thing that is the Divine speaking directly to you--today I have to thank the Gangster for being the teacher --the boy who amazes me every yoga class with the depth of his soul---the Gangster who told me that today, he also found out that he has been sentenced to move to the "Big Jail" for the next 9 months because he is turning 18 in 12 days---May the Divine protect his very special soul as he makes his way into a world none of us could imagine--and may his wisdom to see the big picture continue to bring him Home to his Heart.

Freedom Through Breath

2008-08-19T10:16:00.000-07:00

The weather is cooler today than the last few days of 100 degrees or higher. It's one of those days where you could lay in bed all day and just basque in the coolness of the air--I personally LOVE those days-- where you feel like finally after many nights of hot sticky air your body feels a freedom from within, as if your breath moves easier, your body feels lighter and your mind is open. My theme had been done for a couple of days and it was on freedom of the body through breath and with that freedom you are able to not only give but to receive----kind of auspicious. The girls were really tired this morning and moving REALLY slow and it's funny how the perception is that a long savasana is just what is needed when in reality a good freedom finding, breath moving, mind opening practice is really the best kind of practice so we began with finding our breath--the girls were slumped over in retreat--a vibrant round of ujjai breath, and you could actually watch their spines grow with each inhale--if I have not said it before I LOVE YOGA!!! I wish that the girls could see themselves and how they respond to the movement of breath--because with each inhale and a reminder to lengthen through the spine to the top of their head--their torso gained length and their breath became very audible. One girl even said, "does this work like the oxygen bar--where you breathe in fresh oxygen and you feel better---?" I loved the look on her face when I expalined that my daughter has been to an oxygen bar, and yes it is similar because you are actually moving the breath though your body which even though we breathe 20,000 times a day we do not fully take a nice long inhale and a nice long exhale equal parts every time--sometimes we have long inhale sometimes we have a long exhale and without thinking about it--when we focus on the breath, we energize our cells and give our bodies a vibrant boost of energy --- which they all agreed that they now felt.

As a suprise after practice I used the 61 point meditation that Karen, my teacher used with us last week during our first week of intensive--this meditation during savasana was really amazing when we did it in class and I thought the girls would like it because as teens, they have a hard time staying still and a guided savasana works for them--think about being 16 and told to lie still, focus on your breath and by the way don't fidgit--wouldn't happen---I've noticed that some of the girls are in agony during savasana and was so blessed by this gift of the 61 points--which truly is a guided body part by body part relaxation exercise that occupies the mind and helps them focus their attention on themselves and eases the savasana jitters. The girls LOVED it, 6 of them said it was the best savasana they ever had, and two of them felt like they were floating instead of glued to the floor. One of them said, "I didn't even notice the relaxation music, I was really focused on your voice and then I didn't even realize that you stopped talking and all of sudden there was the bells--I need to do that in my cell."

Many times during the class I forget that we are in JDC, I really forget that these kids don't just go home, they go into their cell sleeping on a metal slab with 2 inches of foam and barron, cold walls. the silence I can only imagine is defeaning--and at night so uncomfortable. It's a small gift the 61 point meditation to the girls of JDC a gift they can unwrap whenever they need a minute to collect themselves.

Double Dip

2008-08-14T12:06:00.000-07:00

In the yoga world we call people who come to two of the same classes double dippers--and I have to proudly announce that my boys class on Thursday has become a class of double dippers! I was kind of stunned because our theme for yesterday and today for that matter was one pointed focus with discipline--our holds were two minutes per pose with our focus being our breath. The boys spoke of how the easy road is not always the best road, and that when things are hard they are usually good for you. One boy said, the easy road got me here, and this is definitly not easy. The held plank, strong--breathing, focusing on themselves and not each other--the double dippers held strong to their center and the class was AWESOME!!!! Down Dog was our resting pose instead of child's pose like usual, and the boys really got into it--there was some ego there for sure, but I reminded them to continually focus on the breath--feel your ribs expand and contract instead of your belly as you concentrate--and the Gangster said this breathing works for making me not think of anything--I didn't even realize we were in the pose for 2 minutes---"Yogi Magic!" These boys are like sponges, I hope that when they get out that these lessons seep into their hearts and they remember and celebrate the goodness that they found in yoga.

Are we truly open?

2008-08-12T15:12:00.000-07:00

John Friend states, " To deepen the breath you don't have to grab the breath--you just have to be open to receive." How many of us are truly open to receive? I am fascinated by people and how they walk through life---can you truly be open without being genuine? I have a girl in my JDC yoga class who is a bright light in Yoga --she is really beautiful and engaged in all the conversations about theme and asks questions about asana. I found out that she got into a fight with another girl in the jail--at what point did the open genuine girl turn on and the girl with the short fuse turn off. It gave me pause to wonder how many people are truly open or are people open enough at the times that they need to be in order to keep their boat of life afloat....and in that space of being open enough those who come to Yoga ---do they understand that we as yoga teachers can see the goodness inside them screaming to come out? And then it came to me we are not super heroes with x-ray goodness vision--everyone can see our goodness when we open and maybe that is why it's so scary to take the final opening step so we hide and become what we think people want to see. Angry and cynical are so common surely no one would even question--but good and open are rare and makes us vulnerable. As I continue to ponder this, I know that a seed of goodness is being planted in the hearts of the kids at JDC and I'm blessed to be there for their flowers to bloom.

The Gangster

2008-08-07T15:32:00.001-07:00

I have had a new boy in the Thursday Boys Class for a couple weeks now, he is a Gangster--I mean a real Gangster--tattooed tear by the eye and all--and the first time I saw him, I got nervous, which was perplexing to me because I've worked with kids for a long time, and I never got nervous.

The first class he was in I remember thinking, about how scared he must be in order to cling to a life that in the core of his being he knows is hard and not what his heart is leading him towards. As he sat right in front of me, I knew that his heart was full of goodness--his eyes radiated it tattooed tear and all! I joke with him know about how cute his face was--more "What the hell?" than "Woohoo we are doing Yoga!" We have talked about how the vibe of the room shifted when the other boys saw that he got into the class--I have to admit, I didn't know what was going to happen at first but I did know that the Yoga would carry us all through and I'm happy to say that it did.

This week, he asked to be in both Wednesday and Thursday classes--I was filled with a jolt of joy that radiated through me and I know that my grin gave me away--Every class that he has been in, he sits right in front of me, every class since the first class he has been practicing with a broken hand (with adjustments ;) ) and he has gotten so strong with self confidence that the other boys are no longer afraid to cheer him on, and they are no longer afraid to be around him, and for the first time he feels part of a positive kula which is similar to a gang I guess. He has become a very strong leader in the classes, and kind of my helper because when the boys get a little rambunctious, all he has to do is turn around and look at them. I cried, the first time he said without prompting--"focus on your breathing, not your talking--you can't breathe if you are talking."

I shared with the boys class about my eating disorder, and how I know what it's like to be in a contast battle with your body--how I am so proud of them for being in Yoga and finally feeling their bodies as allies not enemies. The Gangster said to our Kula, "drugs made me forget about my body I didn't care what happened to me, I was just there existing and since I've been taking Yoga I feel everything happening to me and it's scary because I didn't know that my body could do these things." The whole room understood what he meant and because he said it--the boys' class transformed into a breathing, feeling, sensation filled class with no joking and questions that I know have been inside them but they didn't know how to ask them or if it would be ok to be so vulnerable. Questions came about every muscle we were working, how in Warrior 2 if the knee is not right over the ankle that their knees hurt--:) how in Savasana when I adjust their legs they feel longer and stronger after class--;) it was a sensational class and I have to thank the Gangster for being the leader of our Yoga Gang because I can't imagine him not being in our class, and I can't imagine not learning the lessons that he is teaching.

Energetic Power

2008-08-05T10:22:00.000-07:00

All of us were born with an energetic power that at birth burns so brightly that our eyes sparkle and our skin is glowing with bliss. As our life moves on, there is something in us that dims that power and we forget how it feels to glow, whether that is from life experience or the fear of shining too brightly. During yoga our power gains momentum and if you are open enough to see it--the glow happens--and it happens to everyone. It happened today in yoga class with one girl who was less than thrilled that she had to do anything besides complain about everything. It was explained to me that she had been in JDC for only 4 days and this was her first yoga class--she began with "I have scoliosis", and I told the story of Darren Rhodes--our Anusara Poster Model, and she said, "well whatever, this is my last day!" The long term girls who have been at the classes for a while, have become experts at spotting someone who will be difficult in the beginning and then shine like a lighthouse by the end--I was given the non-verbal wink and eyebrow lift--the signal that as time passes, the lights will turn on for this one girl.

I started the centering with the idea of our body as a battery, and the belief that sometimes our batteries become run down and need re-charging--our body gives us clues if we are still enough to listen. Headaches, fatigue, over anxious thoughts, anger, mindlessness all play into the idea of our body needing recharged. The girls explained that they definatly recharge when they sleep--we explored that idea, and as we talked it was clear, that sleeping does not necessarily recharge the batteries--it's just shutting your eyes--one girl explained that she wakes up more tired than when she goes to bed---that's it, our mind when we are sleeping does not always shut off--so as the girls thought we were going to have an hour savasana--we had an hour of backbending practice that was fierce, sweaty, and powerfully recharging. I played music from Cirque d Soliel that was lively, energizing, and in French--the girls LOVED it and as we approached the middle of the practice for the big--woohoo pose--their glowing faces and eyes were open and receptive to feeling the energy that they all poses. They watched--they listened, and they ALL tried, they all tried upward facing bow--and they all got it because they beleived that they could--and even the new girl, who I thought for sure would shut down by this time--opened even more and as we exhaled and raised our bodies I saw it--her lighthouse turned on and she smiled and she felt accomplishment and she was beautiful.

Savasana after that kind of practice feel like a cool glass of water on a hot summer day. As the girls were settleing in, I asked them to allow their bodies to absorb their practice, to focus on their heart beating, their center of energetic power to shine out as their muscles released from thier bones and their bones became heavy and they released themselves to the earth--today, for the first time, each girl glowed, like for real glowed and the room was breathing and the energy was moving and they were relaxing.

One of the girls said to me after class, "that ending was the most relaxed I've ever been, and I focused on my heart beat, and I feel like I've been sleeping all night--how long were we there?" 8 minutes I replied and she hugged me and thanked me for the class--and each girl left brighter because their body took over where the mind would not quiet and they lived inside themselves and felt their energetic power.

Celebration of Thursday Boys Class

2008-07-31T10:26:00.000-07:00

I am fascinated at the different feeling the word celebrate conjurs up amongst people. I continued my theme of Celebrate Yourself with the Thursday Boys class and WOW the tone of the room compared to the Tuesday Girls Class is unremarkable. The boys tuned right into the idea of celebrating themselves, they were ready immediately after the inital child's pose. The girls took some softening on their part to even tap into the goodness inside--which to me parallels life.

Girls/Women in times of struggle seem to lose themselves, their inner goodness and search for somthing that is wrong with them--because as struggle goes, we have had some kind of crazy belief that because we are women-- it is all our fault--we must fix the problem---however we never look within to find the good, we are so excepting of the bad. What is it inside us women that is OK with layering our good with outside influences, and when did we learn that it was ok to just settle for what comes along and not settle for our own inner goodness? Whether it's a resilience or the ego of men/boys they can find their inner goodness and shine it out like a comet---the room was so bright by the end that the guards noticed that the boys were "glowing". There is nothing like a good yoga practice full of inner goodness praise to begin to believe that your goodness is shining and powerful--to dwell there in your yoga practice to get you to remember that inside each of us is the goodness we were born with and no matter what our life has brought us, it is always there--at the ready--to shine out! Ananda was raining down around the room!!! Today in this class was my bliss station!!!!

One incredible thing that happened today is that most of the boys asked if they could come 2 days a week instead of just one--YAAAHOOO--proof that when the yoga bug gets you it's hard to step back. Even the "I can't do Yoga" boys were ready like sponges to drink in the goodness of Yoga and swim in the ocean of their own intrinsic goodness! If I haven't said it before I LOVE the POWER OF YOGA!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

Aren't we just chocolate m&m's?

2008-07-29T10:35:00.000-07:00

Classes in JDC began summer break today, the jail staff as I arrived asked if we could do Yoga all day---sure I said, they laughed I was totally serious---a great yoga practice, some meditation, some restoratives, lunch inversions---it would be transforming. ;)

My theme for the week is Celebration of You--it took the girls class the first full 1/2 hour to fully embrace that in themselves there is goodness worthy of celebrating. They stretched and worked out poses and finally their faces softened and they opened to something bigger, and found that place of tenderness and goodness inside themselves. The hard edges of their lives receeded for a moment, and the light shined out--it was an amazing experience, to witness, and a true testiment to the power of Yoga.

One of the guards has come the last couple of times to do Yoga with us, she is absolutely beautiful and tries so hard to get everything right--Today I noticed that she also softened a little and then it hit me--we all have a shell --a protective candy coating just like an m&m. When we were born we were tender, sweet, chocolaty---and as life went on, we found that if we didn't protected ourselves our tenderness and sweetness could melt so we dipped ourselves slowly into a candy coating--thin yet won't rub off easily. We are still somewhat sweet on the outside, but the really good stuff is under the candy shell of protection---and today for a moment, the girls broke open and their sweetness shined forward and for that moment the girls learned that nothing melted and they were safe to show the tender sweet side they were born with. I Love Yoga for this reason, it gives everyone the courage and strength to know that they are good, they are worthy and they are beautiful no matter how many layers they have covered ourselves with!!!!

On the way home from the jail, I went and bought a big bag of m&m's and remembered each of the girls today and how in the bag of candy like the bowl of life we are all one big sweet chocolatey m&m!!!!!

Safe Journey

2008-07-24T09:17:00.000-07:00

Two of my Thursday Boys get out of jail today, and I am so happy that they have completed their time and are ready to move forward with their life. It is such a bittersweet moment because they have been in yoga for the entire 5 1/2 months that I have been teaching at JDC, they are strong yogi's and so talented--they say they will come to the class on the outs, but we'll see--I'm humbled and blessed to know that as they leave, they have the tools that yoga provides to help up everyday--breath, mindfulness, center, and the belief that their intrinsic goodness is what guides their heart. These boys are warriors, they have fought more battles in their 16 and 17 years than most adults will fight in a life time---they have been strong through the battle and graceful through the learning. Life is crazy and the ability to see your way clear of a lifetime of struggle is hard--imagine having more than half your life be a constant, everyday struggle just to survive. I'm not talking about surviving without cable or a cell phone, but survive the bleak home life where you have to worry about food, your siblings, eviction a constant everyday battle, horrific school life, getting teased because you don't have the new clothes, or you are pulled into a life of drugs, and having no where to find a safe harbor to just be yourself. It's always interesting to me how well these kids do in jail, I mean they do so well, they have chores, they have school and they have time to just breathe--they don't have those things at home and they want to be anywhere but home---many times kids return to jail because it is their safe harbor from the chaos that is their life. I feel so blessed to be able to bring yoga into these kids --all they want is to breathe without feeling suffocated--just breathe. I wish all of the kids who get out to face their world a safe journey and remind them that their gift is their breath and to go to the breath---and know that in their breath is their intrinsic goodness.

Activity versus Achievement

2008-07-23T09:38:00.000-07:00

Our theme today was a quote by John Wooden, the infamous basketball coach from UCLA--he said, "Never mistake activity for achievement." I posed the question to the boys what is the difference and how does it relate to yoga. Is doing the poses enough to gain achievement or are we just practicing an activity? Do we get more out of activity or achievement? The answers were amazing--they sat for a long time thinking about exactly what I was talking about--and I let them sit in the silence of their own thoughts--I had convinced myself that I would sit in the silence until someone spoke--letting the questions and the thoughts percolate the answers forward. And after a long period of silence, and the kids understanding that the questions were not retorical, they began to explain that activity is just doing something without thought or end result and achievement is a goal--a finishing place. I stayed silent and the kids followed along, and then another boy said, in yoga practice is the achievement not the doing of each pose--you can do Warrior 2 1000 times, but until you understand the reason you're doing it it's just an exercise--AAAHHHHH!!!! the angels sang!!!!! And the boys understood---interstingly, in that moment I thought we would have this amazing yoga practice full of achievers---you know that feeling where you've realized that what you thought and what is are two completely different things---that was our practice today. We were moved from our usual room into a classroom, and it was full FULL of posters, stickers, books, pictures, sayings, wow talk about visual overload and the kids after the beautiful centering and talk the room EXPLODED with a frenzy of talking and WOW the kids really had a hard time conentrating. I kept bringing the theme back into the room, thought maybe they would focus on what we just shared--NOPE!--They worked on Warrior 2, thinking this is the pose, the pose that they talked about in the centering--NOPE! one kid was sick and ran out to puke in a trash can---it became evident to me that the room we were in is not condusive to Yoga too much stimulation on the outside and the kids were not going inside--so I conceeded that in my theme activity versus achievement was my answer---the kids were just doing an activity without any achievement at all--so we took the last 15 minutes for Savasana with some flute music, the room settled--after about 7 minutes in Savasana they finally calmed down enough to achieve Savasana and in that moment I understood activity versus achievement--so I owe a big thank you to the rambunctious, teenager boys of JDC, they were my teachers today in all the chaos of activity.

Beautiful

2008-07-22T09:09:00.000-07:00

What have you gained from your yoga experience? was the question at the beginning of class the answers were pretty cool: I understand my big toe, my heart can shine out, muscle energy, I am good, and as the class went on, one of the songs that I played today was Beautiful by Christina Aguilera and the girls sang, and I mean sang this song where the words poured over the room and the meaning to these girls was like a firehose shooting into the room---each girl was singing like it was her battle cry---it was totally moving! Here are the lyrics and a youtube clip which if you click on the title of the post "beautiful" you can hear the song--so when you read this you will feel the beauty and the Shakti that rang inside the Yoga Room.

Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, i saw debris
Now and then,
I get insecure From all the pain,
I'm so ashamed
I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today
To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is
You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...
No matter what we do (no matter what we do)
No matter what they say (no matter what they say)
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won't stay
And everywhere we go (everywhere we go)
The sun won't always shine (sun won't always shine)
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times 'cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down,
oh no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today

Invisible Children

2008-07-16T09:56:00.000-07:00

It's always interesting when a new boy comes to yoga he is always nervous and you can see the wondering in him--Imagine yourself 14 or 15 scared witless and coming to a Yoga class where you don't know if the other boys participate, or if you'll be made fun of, or what the heck is going on--Most times the new boys go to the back row, hide and hope that no one sees them. Today a new boy sat right in front of me--literally, and put on the macho sheild and then it happened--the magic happened where the other boys, the more experienced in jail boys, fall into place and the breathing begins and the centering begins and the new boy looks around with his "I actually think this might be cool" look and relaxes, you can physically see this new boy soften-his face relaxes, his legs release to the floor and he is breathing. It's truly awesome!!!

We worked today on kidney loop and wiring around the abdominals. These boys never cease to amaze me with their strength--I love to remind them to soften in the midst of their strength and open to grace--because the physical changes that occur are really devotional to watch. The boys were holding in plank, stomachs in, buts level with their hips, and legs energized with muscular energy and their faces were well we'll say squished--a reminder to soften their face, and surrender into the strength of the pose and abracadabra their arms got straighter, their thighs lifted to the ceiling and their side body became long and inflated. The freedom that open to grace invokes during poses is really powerful and to be witness is humbling.

At the end of class as we were rolling the mats, one boy came up to me and said, "one year ago today--well actually right now, I had alcohol poisoning and I was in the emergency room and during the end pose (savasana) I relived that whole scary moment. I have not thought once about that time until today and it's weird that this is the day last year that it happened. Do you think it's good that I'm here?" I know that my mouth was hanging open, I focused myself and said that Yes I'm so glad that you're here and I'm glad that you felt safe enough to have that memory here in Yoga. He then explained that his parents treat him like he's invisible and that since that day, they don't really look at him, and here in Yoga he feels like he is noticed. As I tried to control my urge to hug this kid who transformed from 14 to 4 right in front of me--there was a moment of understanding how each of these kids in their own worlds feel invisible--how they are judged for their past and not for their present and how they just want to be seen as a human being who is worthy of attention. I think many people today who are hiding from whatever their life has given them by alcoholism, drug addiction, eating disorders, or whatever their escape is --in the end they are desparately wanting to be seen.

Truth holds you accountable

2008-07-15T09:27:00.000-07:00

Another birthday to celebrate with Sun Saluations and this time it was a guards--my favorite guard by the way. This guard is so encouraging to the girls and is a terrifically positive role model for them. So off we went to 24 Sun Sals---wow---it is so cool to me to have the girls get excited about celebrating another person!! Our theme today was being truthful not only with others but yourself--we had an incident of one of the girls saying they were pregnant when in fact they were not last week. I didn't want to point fingers to incite anger amongst the girls, I wanted to instill belief in themselves so that they could see that the truth holds you accountable. We talked during centering about how when you are not truthful, your heart becomes covered in an armor that maybe you don't feel today but after years of lying your heart becomes closed off because in your heart is where your truth dwells. Your heart always knows what is truthful because you yourself know what it truthful---and then one day you wake up and you feel empty because your heart is missing--cloaked in lies. I explained that when you lie, it becomes part of you and then you lie when the truth would fit better because you don't know when you're lying --it's become part of you. During centering, I asked the girls to allow their mind to remember what it is like to be lied to by someone that you care about--to really feel how it is when you're lied to and then allow yourself not to judge the person or situation, but to understand why the person lied. I asked them to again allow their mind to remember when they have lied to someone and use the feeling that they just had and know that is the feeling the person that they lied to had---I reminded them not to judge but jsut to allow themselves to remember the feeling. As we opened our eyes the girls said they never thought of it that way---they never realized how lying made them feel and how it could make someone else feel. That they just did it without thinking. We moved through our 24 Sun Sals and joked and laughed and after class one of the girls came up to me and said--I'm sorry for lying to you last week about being pregnant--I don't know why I didn't just tell the truth. Being accountable is powerful because it gives you self worth and today in Yoga the self worth meter on these girls raised and maybe as a start--they will be truthful today with themselves and they will walk a little taller because they know that their heart is becoming free.

Everyone is Worthy

2008-07-10T09:41:00.000-07:00

This is the first class after my teacher Karen came to observe me last Thursday with the boys--and everyone of them asked me if she liked them and thought that they did good. I explained that she LOVED them and thought they did FANTASTIC!!!! Every boy in the room that was there last Thursday beamed with joy. In honor of how incredible they did last Thursday I gave them a choice of doing the practice that I had laid out or a restorative practice with chairs---unresoundingly they all wanted restorative--so I put on some Miles Davis and used the chairs that were in the room as props--thank you to Karen for the inspiration-- and they restored!! It's so funny because the question that comes up in restoratives, is can this detox my system of drugs---I always give the same answer--the only thing to detox your system from drugs is not doing drugs--and they laugh because they always get the same answer.

The boys did shoulderstand and plow onto a chair--which they loved--it's so funny how when they see me demo they all go AHHHHH and then when the open enough to try the pose--they all are so proud of themselves. I am always struck by how amazing these kids are and as they were all in plow I reminded them that just like the theme today--they have the ability inside them to do anything that they want to--they should not limit themselves by not trying. In the Yoga Room, the kids are up for anything--they love to try new poses and especially love to try the harder poses--ego takes over a little, but when they have completed the pose they are so happy with themselves--they walk a little taller and feel a little better about themselves. That's why I love Yoga because you really feel better about yourself when you are done--and I love the kids in JDC because if for one moment they feel better about themselves, that may be the moment that they decide that they are worthy of not being in jail and the transformation happens and maybe they will decide that they do not want to come back and that is a victory for sure.

The Doorknob

2008-07-08T10:28:00.000-07:00

The theme today was a continuation of Open to Grace, allowing the girls to open to something bigger than themselves. I went to the Bird Museum of Flight and Invention in Sandpoint over the weekend. The facination for me was that Dr. Bird as a young person opened to something bigger than himself--Dr. Bird who is 87 today, invented the oxygen system so that people no longer needed to use an iron lung in order to breathe. His invention revolutionized the distribution of oxygen in our country and saved many lives because he opened to something bigger than himself and never took no for an answer. It is a facinating facility and if you live close enough to drive there--I guarantee it will change your life.

We talked today of things that we take for granted, things that in these kids lives has always been there--but still remembering that not too long ago, the modern conveniences that the kids use like cell phones, the internet, Wii game systems were all an idea in someones head who opened to something bigger than himself and believed he could make a difference.

One of the items that struck me, I don't really know why, but Dr. Bird has what he called the Invention room, which is full of the first items of certain inventions--one of which is the doorknob--I got to see the very first doorknob that was invented--I explained to the girls think about how many door knobs in your life that you have touched or used---someone who was brave enough to open to something bigger than himself conceived and made the first one--and out of ridicule of his friends and family--he persevered and knew that the doorknob would reveolutionize the world. If the person who invented the doorknob did not believe in himself and his ability to open to something bigger we would all be using sticks to hold our doors shut.

The most moving rooms on this tour, was the medical invention room where Dr. Bird's oxygen machine, the CPAP machine and his baby Bird were on display--in a corner, was a board full of letters from children who wrote Dr. Bird and said thank you. One writing brought me to tears, it was from a little boy who wrote in his little boy handwriting--Dear Dr. Bird thank you for saving my life, I was born 1 pound and your incubator saved my life and I'm 11 years old today. WOW! I encouraged the girls to think of how many people and their ability to allow themselves to open to something bigger made a difference in their life. One girl said, "we really can do anything if we try." All it takes is the abilty to be open enough to receive a thought, an idea, a seed of hope, the ability to understand that even if someone tells us no, we are strong enough in our center to continue our quest for something bigger than ourselves. The girls faces, changed in that moment of understanding, and there in that room in jail, I saw them open to Grace in a way that I have never seen before--so Thank You Dr. Bird for your museum and your inspiration--today we cracked open the ability for the girls of JDC to believe in something bigger than themselves.

Proud Mom ;)

2008-07-03T10:59:00.000-07:00

The jail was kind enough to allow my teacher Karen to come and evaluate my Thursday Boys class today and the kids were AMAZING!!!!! There is something to be said for the brightness of these kids--it cannot be squashed!!!! I'm drawn to teaching them like a moth to a flame--they are phenomenal! One person recently asked my why I "waste" my time teaching kids who are never going to amount to anything. As I centered myself enough to answer I realized that the person who said this to me only recognized the smallness in others--this person has never opened up to something greater than himself--he was afraid to look at what he could be and focused on what he couldn't be. If one of these kids learns to open to something greater than themselves, stand on their firm foundation--allow themselves to feel the spirals of energy inside and then shine out in goodness--they are more of a man than this person who stood infront of me asking such a small question. And with an exhale that was my response. I believe in these kids so much and know that yes they made mistakes, maybe they will make a few more but haven't we all--if everyone had a microscope on our lives--wouldn't it be shocking what people could see?

There is an unwritten rule, that we don't talk about why the kids are in jail--but what I know is that during yoga we are there for the same thing--to feel better about who we are and today we honored our transformation to looking at our inner goodness through yoga.

I was a proud mom today--proud of their yoga and proud of their heart opening. For a moment in time, these beautiful strong boys were just that-- boys -- not inmate, not criminals, not anything but strong boys and that is why I teach Yoga in the Juvenile Detention Center.

Yoga Nap

2008-07-01T17:45:00.000-07:00

Another full house of girls today stepped into Yoga--it was really humid, which it rarely is here in North Idaho, but today the air was thick, moist and sticky. The girls were a littel sluggish to start--kind of expected, I was a little sluggish to start myself. I find however that even though I'm not a fan of being overheated, that sometimes (ok maybe twice a year) the humid sticky air makes a yoga practice fun because it does not take long to warm up your muscles.

We moved through our warmups and the pregnant flower told me she was getting out today--that she didn't care what we did because she was going to go home--this needn't be said because her actions of non-compliance spoke louder than words. I explained the modifications, and she said she didn't care about them---I had detach myself from her in that moment---teach to the brightest star, and that I did. The girls also took my lead and no momentum was built up by her indifference to life--and we really had a great practice. One of the girls who has been with me for 5 months gets out today, she is so excited to come to the studio for yoga--she explained to everyone how she is so glad that she got to come to yoga today and that she doesn't intend to miss one week. Her words turned the attitude of the room --she is a very bright star.

I forget sometimes where we are when we are doing yoga, I forget that the room is recorded and that these beautiful flowers have to go back to their cells. Sometimes, I think they forget too. After we did some really great Navasana's--one girl said "Jen the best thing about yoga is the Yoga Nap that we have when we leave here--do you know that we sleep on a piece of metal and non of us sleep very well --but after Yoga we all get one good hour of sleep before we have to be inspected--that is my favorite part." All of the girls agreed, and it was funny because they all looked at each other and said I thought I was the only one who called it my Yoga Nap. In that moment that was a sisterhood of Yoga Nappers--they all became "friends" on the same "team." The next 15 minutes of class was magical as everyone's guard was down and they all joked about how hot it was, how if they wondered if the boys took Yoga Naps, and how much they really like Yoga and one girls explained that her mom would never pay for her to do "hippy dippy yoga", but now she can't imagine not doing yoga because she feels so good. I really love the power of yoga and how it is transformational even if sometimes, the transformation begins with a Yoga Nap.

Restorative

2008-06-26T09:17:00.001-07:00

As a surprise to the Thursday Boys Class we did restoratives today--which they LOVED! At the beginning of my time with them I asked if there were any injuries, and no one said a thing--today during restorative, almost every one of them explained how they loved it because their back hurts all the time. One of them stated that they were working at McDonalds, and slipped on some water and twisted his back and since then its painful for him. Another boy told me that he was run over by a drunk driver on his motorcycle and his back has bothered him ever since. I noticed in Savasana yesterday that even when the boys are lying flat that their shoulders are still tightened around their hearts-- in Savasana which was 15 minutes today, I walked and adjusted their shoulders, the boys were like "holy crap! that feels better." The protection that these kids have around themselves is ever amazing to me. To live in such a way has got to be exhausting to never feel like you are safe or free to relax and unplug would be maddening. The restorative gave them a sense of what it's like to be in a space of safety and feel relaxation. You could see it in them after the class was over--they looked different, softer, and they definatly felt better. One of them said it felt like he just woke up from a dream--and felt weird because he didn't feel tired but energized. Again I have regained my name of the Magic Yoga Lady--how can you feel like you took a nap when you didn't?, one said. I explained relaxation and how it is such a benefit when you allow yourself to surrender into it. As they all filed into their cells I got a thumbs up--and that said it all.

Pregnant

2008-06-24T09:32:00.000-07:00

I never cease to be inspired by the kids at JDC. We had a birthday in class and in true tradition we did 17 Surya Namaskar's and each one we dedicated to someone in the class--that was the wish of the birthday girl. WOW~!

One of the girls joked the whole class about how she had to pee, and everyone laughed, and finally she revealed that she was pregnant--PREGNANT! My heart sank, because no one told me she was pregnant and there are poses that you should not do while pregnant and oh my gosh a wave of fear came over me---then another monsoon of fear for her--she's 15! I was a young mom, I was 19 when my daughter was born--it was hard for me, and I had finished high school. But 15 I cannot help but think of the road that she has ahead--and the part that is the most disturbing is that to her she feels like this baby is going to keep her boyfriend around and save her life. Save her life!!!--I just wanted to tell her that it's not an easy road, that the work is yet to begin and that today you can no longer think of yourself--that today needs to be the day you decide that every decision that you make is for the betterment of your child--that today no one can rescue you but yourself and that today you need to become an adult because a child cannot raise a child. But I took a deep breath, and remembered that when I was a young mom I wouldn't have listened to anyone.

I cannot stop thinking of that young girl, who looks maybe 12 instead of 15 and can only imagine the life that she has had to bring her to the place of getting pregnant so the one person that she feels is true to her --the boyfriend--will not leave her alone and that in giving birth to another human being that she will feel less alone. I wish she would come to understand that I found being a teenaged mother was the lonliest I ever felt--that being 19 and a mom my friends didn't want to come around, and the boyfriend was long gone, and my family who felt shamful told me that I was nothing and there I was a 19 year old girl with a newborn feeling more alone than ever and finding something in myself that said---we are not going to live like this, there is more out these for us and my journey began. I only hope that this fragile JDC flower can find that in herself ---that is my hope for her and her unborn baby.

Thursday Boys--a submission from an inmate

2008-06-19T09:30:00.000-07:00

Thursday is just another day to most
In fact— “Almost Friday”
Here, in jail, it’s a day of hope—
The day
Strength and grace
Share one dynamic breath through Yoga

To be inspired is to live
To shine out with inspiration
Is an art
Yoga brings together those who may never be
Friends outside

Thursday is a day we are all Yogi’s
A day we share in the Joy of Living
Even if we forgot what joy was
It lives in “our room”
It breathes in us—dressed in orange and blue

In Us who many have forgotten
Yoga reminds us we are worthy
Of breath, of Life and Of Joy

Aren't we all in jail?

2008-06-18T09:06:00.000-07:00

Everybody just wants to feel good about themselves. Consciously or unconsciously every living thing moves through their life searching for something to complete them. From the tinest germ's struggle for survival to the wisest beings search for enlightenment, life is a matter of each of us doing our time according to how we want to live it. I see these kids everyday struggle to just survive, whether it is a robber hoping to steal some contentment, a murderer trying to destroy his own unbearable pain of separateness. Bob Dylan puts it best--Steal a little and they put you in jail--steal a lot and they make you king. Today we are all faced with a world of insecurity. Through Yoga, these kids are finding some form of their real Truth. Which really is a study of who they really are and when doing yoga, they are faced with the reality of who they want to be. What is a paradox to me is that when I look at these kids, I see everyone, everyone of us are all really doing time until we find the freedom inside ourselves. These kids have the rare opportunity to study themselves through the looking glass of Yoga, and they are finding that they are strong, beautiful, wise, and worthy. A person's self worth is their greatest asset, and when it's lost we are a spinning vortex. A vortex searching for an answer to why we feel lost in our own skin.

These kids have a choice, everyday of how to live their lives, they are sharp enough to find the secret of making every choice a good one--along the way, they have found that their self worth is gone and therefore they don't care if their choices are good or not. This lack of self worth is self destructive and becomes a shell around the intrinsic goodness that is living inside them. Yoga is beginning to crack their shell and when the light from inside them shines though it is blinding.

The most important lesson that I have learned from these kids is that we are all seekers on a sacred, ancient path carved out by our trail guides-Budda, Mohammed, Jesus, Moses and the many great yogis, gurus, chiefs, shamans and countless men and women of every race, color and creed. We are all searchers of our inner Truth. It is our inner Truth that will inevitably set us free.

Inspirational Devotion

2008-06-12T11:33:00.000-07:00

Our Yoga classes this week in JDC have been nothing short of excitement filled. I took the opportunity to explore a practice that for the "Thursday Boys" would push them and ground them and hopefully enhance their belief in themselves. In teacher training we have been talking alot about devotional practice in terms of yoga. I had the idea last night to bring out the devotion in our practice today in JDC and just see where it takes us all. I almost cannot write how inspiring, fruitful and beautiful the boys practiced yoga with the intention of practicing for the person who inspires them the most. We sat centering and I explained to let their minds go to the most inspirational person in their life and dedicate their practice today to that person--when you are struggling, remember the person who is your inspiration and give the practice over to them.

As we moved through our initial warm ups your could feel a great presence taking over the room, the breathing was amazing, their attention to their movements was amazing, and these boys softend and moved as if they were floating. It is so indescribable the beauty that was in the JDC Yoga room this morning.

One boy, who was new today to our class, said "Why are we doing this to someone inspirational--I'm doing it for everyone on the outside of here--they are my inspiration." WOW!!! Another boy said--while continuing his pose and not missing one breath--"just think, when we get out guys--she will do this practice for us--we will become the inspiration." The room continued their poses--not one comment, not one boy looked over to see who was talking--I get chills right now writing about the experience. I had on music that was inspirational in nature--low soft melodic music--one by Nina Simone who sang of slave days and begging for the chains to be broken so that she could become free. One boy--who is quiet, shy and reserved, looked me in the eye and said-"I bet we are not the only people in prison that you teach--I bet many people are in prison and they don't now it." I could not speak or respond--and in that moment I knew I did not need to. These boys continued their practice--with little talking, lots of breathing and an opening of their hearts that was so brilliant it was almost blinding.

In Tadasana the boys remembered their inspiration--and if I had the words to describe their body language, their sweet faces, their hearts shining I would--but I don't so please forgive me that I cannot illustrate to you the change that took place today.

One boy comes into Yoga slumped over every class--walking like he has been so beaten by the world--closed off in his heart---and today, in Tadasana he stood tall for the first time, literally shoulders on his back, heart shining forward--breathing. One of the boys said, "we should video tape this--I can't believe how good we are doing. No one is even joking around."

I am humbled to be witness to this process--the practice was moved today by many inspirational guides that led the sweet "Thursday Boys" to one of the best practices that has happened. In Savasana the encouragement was made to thank their inspiration by remembering and celebrating their inspirational person and giving gratitude for their guidance.

All I can say is WOW!